6 Years and 28 Days

dryfeb28days

So I did it.  I made it through my 28 days to raise money for cancer without a drop of alcohol.  It wasn’t that hard.  In fact, I am quite happy to say that today, March 5th, I am still not drinking, and really don’t see a purpose in doing so.

Last night was my first “social” outing since my “dry” month and everyone was, as to be expected, drinking.  I didn’t and really didn’t feel left out what so ever.  We went axe throwing, which was quite therapeutic after a difficult day with some trying customers.

I am now trying to figure out another “month” of abstinence for something else.  I am considering television.  I would say my cellphone, but it is  my only mode of communication and a tool for work as well.  So I am going to try the abstinence of the TV for a month.

What I learned during my dry month was that it was incredibly freeing.  Small things you wouldn’t usually consider would come to mind.  Like the evening I thought of going to buy shower curtains to cover my couch so that my cats don’t mess on it and ruin it.  It was 7 p.m.  On a normal night, I would have had my glass of wine with dinner, and my following “relaxation” glass.  So there was no driving.  This particular night I sat and thought “I’ll pick that up tomorrow”, followed by a tiny voice saying “you can do that now!!”  And I realized that what once imprisoned me in  my own home for going drivable distances was removed and I was free to go anywhere at any time.

Small things.

My desire to go out “for a drink and snack” were completely curbed.  I saved on dining out, but spent more on groceries, because I am enjoying cooking again and eating healthy.  My budget for the wine, however, hasn’t changed much, as I am enjoying my non-alcoholic wine, and that is not cheap.  Strange though.  If they are so encouraging sobriety, you would think they would sell these beverages at a reasonable price.  Having said that, my MADD wine is also a donation towards the (Mad) Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.

My energy level is so much higher, I can’t even sleep in in the morning.  I have to be up and about doing things I enjoy, and I even got a gym membership and have being going, although not on a set schedule, a very regular basis.  When not there, I do a small work out from home, just because I am enjoying it.

Work seems to be much more enjoyable as well.  I have always liked my job, as it is active and it is about helping people, but lately I am liking it even more.  Some of that excitement also comes from books I have been reading that are opening up my eyes to a new way of thinking.

Life is exciting me more these days.  Maybe it’s time to pull out my paint set again.  I have already been playing around with new sketches of my cartoon character, who has laid dormant for a few years.

Here is to new beginnings, thanks to my niece who asked me to join in on the fundraiser.  Who knew it would have this impact on me?

Just a note:  The campaign is going on until the end of March in donation collections.  If  anyone would like to donate to this cause, you can do so by clicking on this link.  I was amazed to find out that just over 2000 people participated and they raised $120,000.  I am at $25 (my own donation) at this time.  I am okay with that too.  It was worth every penny. 🙂  DryFeb Cancer Fundraising Donations Link

Stop Talking About Her!

Sister Cheating With Husband

 

16 years ago or so my sister had an affair with my husband.  True fact. My parents, as I would expect them to, forgave her. So did I but I choose not to be around that freak of nature that also destroyed, in my watch, three other marriages and has been constantly unfaithful to her husband. This my parents don’t know.

It behooves me how my mother is always telling me how wonderful she is. I don’t want to hear about her. I want to close that chapter of my book. She and my now ex-husband, destroyed two families and yet it appears to me my mother is completely either in denial or does this to hurt me.

How do you tell a mother to shut the funk up and that you don’t want to hear about the devil in Prada ??

My parents are in their 80’s. Dad just had a major stroke.  I can’t upset my mother by telling her how I feel, because likely she will tell dad and dad is just not in that zone.  He just wants to focus on getting better.

That Devil also took away the dog I loved that Dad said he would care for when I lost everything and didn’t have a place to keep him.  My Yeller.  Now her husband.. yes he stayed with her through this because he is madly in love with her… smiled and said he turned my dog into a needy one that won’t leave him alone.

Oh my… no wonder they are together.  But better yet, he tells me he sleeps with the dog without my sister.

Twisted.

I don’t know how to cut this tie.  If I refuse to show up to all the family events, my parents get upset.  But if I do show up I feel ill.  I don’t hate my sister.  That is too much of an emotion.  I just don’t want to be around someone who is toxic and has caused my children to bring up the pain of a marriage that died over a sister and father who had no desire to understand the final consequences of their actions.

I understand my parents still loving her.  She is their daughter.  But I don’t feel it is fair that I am expected to love her and hang around with her.  And I don’t think it’s fair that I can no longer be honest about my true feelings… that I so prefer to keep her away from me.  I want those who I trust and love and do same  back around me.  I spent years as a bulimic eating the mean ones up and throwing them up.  Bullies, mean people, controlling people.

Proud to say that I am not doing that… but yet… there are other things that may bring me to wonder… why… I do what I do.

Inside Out

It was shocking to me that a simple sentence would have my daughter come up to me and hug me while saying “I am so happy to hear that!” When all I said impromptu was that I really liked myself and the way I looked except I could work on my belly. I laughed and said I could make a baby butt out if it. The hug was sincere and she told me how happy she was to hear me say that.

My daughter is not a stranger to my years of bulimia. I didn’t want her to be. And I have been as honest as a bulimic could be when I was one to both my sons and my daughter of how it affected my life to the point where when my daughter was I think 12, wrote an essay about eating disorders and referenced me with my consent.

She sees me now. Accepting of myself and who I am. And she came back to stay with me for a short time but I am elated. I am learning so much of now where I am where I too can go like she is doing in a month. But I am taking baby steps. She is inspiring me to do so to the next step up… Whatever that step may be.

I am embracing this time with my daughter like some angel in heaven decided it was time my Karma was over… 🙂 but more so …

9 years ago my daughter left me after being the only one who chose to stay with me after my divorce. I held that precious but losing her in a not so good situation broke my heart. Happy thoughts today.. Like a female Peter Pan (although often played by a female in theatre lol) thought is that this is now full circle to a better good bye when she spreads her wings next month to explore… This time it will be a happy departure with knowing a mother’s love never dies… And nor too that of a daughter’s to a mother who is elated to see her and more so feel her back in her life.

So when she hugged me… I realized I made it. I was good most of all from the inside out rather than the outside in… Where I was at one time …. and happier ever in life to not be there anymore.

 

Watch “Melissa McCarthy, Plus-Sized Models Photoshopped to Look Skinny” on YouTube

I saw and was disturbed simply because it is insulting. Melissa is obviously comfortable with herself and I adore her. People with photoshop abilities should find my sister who would love it. She is a Barbie doll. Melissa is real. Hugs and love you Melissa!!!!

 

Might Have Been A Candidate As A Post Bulimic For Dr. Oz! Too Bad For Short Notice!!

Introduction to my post – an email from the Doctor Oz Show:

“Hi!

Thanks for writing into doctoroz.com! Dr. Oz is looking for participants to be on our show on FRIDAY, JANUARY 16TH.

We are looking for FUN, ENERGETIC WOMEN who have a certain BELLY TYPE!

Do you have a muffin top, and want to get rid of it?

-Do you have a pooch below your bellow button (low-hanging belly)?

-Do you want to learn ways to get rid of your belly?

-If yes, write back ASAP for the chance to be on stage with Dr. Oz!

If you are interested, please reply back with the following information as soon as possible:

NAME

AGE

CITY/STATE

PHONE NUMBER

EMAIL ADDRESS

OCCUPATION

MARITAL STATUS/CHILDREN

RECENT PHOTO (PLEASE ATTACH) *MUST ATTACH PHOTO*”

Okay, so I am thinking, “yup, muffin tops, pooch below the belly”.  As I had posted earlier, I am a Sea Monkey looking kind of body, with boobs though that are trying to kiss my lower part.  Maybe missing that action enough to try to make it such that they have fun together.  Okay, maybe a bit too graphic, but let’s face it.  We age, and gravity has the better of us.  We can laugh about it or just be depressed.  No depression anymore.  I know my body is not as I wish it were for my 50 something years, but I look at her and thank her now for having gone through what I put her through and still look beautiful to me.  Not only beautifully simple and real, but also functional.  I apologize to my teeth that they are not as beautiful as they were, but still beautiful to me.  And really my dogs don’t care about my teeth or my body.  They just want me alive loving them and being able to feed them, love them and walk them.  What more could you ask for.

I am 136 to 138 lbs at any one time in my coming into five years of absolute recovery.  I am really liking myself more and more.  I only would like a bit more muscle to keep me safe from osteoporosis.  And that makes you feel more healthy.  But my body image has changed.  I am feeling great and love that I don’t wake up every morning wondering if someone will judge me, or even more so, even happier I don’t judge myself!!

Freedom.

I would gladly go on Dr. Oz’s shoe and say, yes, muffin tops and pooch below the belly, but I will not let that stop loving myself, and that if these issues are focussed on so much, how will we change a mind like mind to go from “Oh My Gosh I have to be perfect!!” to “I love you LA just the way you are.  You can maybe work some muscle in there, but until you feel ready, you are doing damn good.  Forgave yourself for the years of bondage to bulimia, and came out loving yourself.”

I won’t lie.  It’s a long journey.  Some young people could cut it shorter if they learn what I learned early.  No one really loves you for your looks.  It’s about who you are.  You revolve your life around perfection which includes your looks, you will just become ugly to those around you.  Not worth it.  You can lose ALOT!!

Hugs to those reading this.  And to those looking to finding the secret?  It is just that.  Be alone.  Take time alone, stop trying to be what or who other’s want you to be.  Relax and let yourself stop being an OCD person that this culture has created.  Be who YOU want to be!!!!!!!  To young ones, do it now, or you may end up like me… taking 30 years to recover.  And 30 years of much lost time.  And so too because I had three children in the interim.  Pressure to be perfect for them too was so bad that I ended up failing them.  They still love me, but going back… I might very well have done things differently to not have all this end up this way… but looking forward?  I am so happy I don’t want to look back anymore.  I will love them and they can choose to love me back as much as I love them… I look forward.  Forward only.  With hopes and new dreams and so excited that I am just loving my body, my brain and me. 🙂

Who would have known that Joan Rivers’ health would bring people here?

When I wrote about Joan Rivers’ eating disorder I would never have thought that this would bring us here… you reading my blogs, nor would it make me a bit worried about my own history with bulimia and issues with not breathing, but I could certainly understand.  Bulimia can bring across some frightening after effects.  One night I woke up, and I believed I blogged about this earlier, and I could not breathe.  I was choking on acid that had come up through my esophagus. For I don’t know how long I couldn’t get the air moving.  I finally did and I was so mortified, so to speak, that I ran next door to my neighbour.  He is my best friend, but his girlfriend was over and she yelled at me to leave.  I live alone and didn’t know where else to go, my parents being out of town for the summer.  This may just be a lesson to all those of you out there with eating disorders.  If in the early stages stop now.  You don’t want to end up with these nightmares.  Your eating disorder will not just mess up your social life in your youth, but your health in your latter years.  Not worth it.  Never mind that… really not WORTH it.  The costs are monetary as well.

  • Let go, learn, live, love…. life is too short for anything more than that. 😉