Don’t Mess With Me!

I love my animals. They remind me that unconditional love exists and that they love me for three reasons. I love them, I care for them and I feed and water them. So simple and they are so loyal. This is not simply with furries… this too with any tiny creature.

Fish are very much with personality too. I am sad to say Esmi passed away a week ago. This is my new baby Esmi II.  He filled the tank with life after Esmi passed. 

I felt horrible.  I think I overfed Esmi … tried too hard. He was 5 years old and I didn’t realize, albeit tough fish they are, they do age too. And as my daughter said… it was her fish dog I adopted.. “Mom, you know it is never healthy to over feed any creature”. True. Human or not.

Strangely enough I connected with the mother syndrome. My mother fed us out of love and I do same to all around me. Since now 6 years bulimic free I think I am realizing more and more a pattern. I eat healthy but still tend to want to feed myself sometimes and too others to show love and caring.

My daughter sent me a message. Sometimes just love without the excess food is all any creature or human needs.. and it’s healthier.

Love my daughter.. insightful…

I Won The Lottery!

I am on a cloud right now.  I can feel, and I can be ecstatic about life.  Not buried in what used to be the need to find solace in food.  As previously noted, I feel free, but I am thinking even beyond those boundaries of what I wrote about.

Tonight I came home and my daughter is temporarily staying with me.  I can’t even tell you how elated I am coming home to family.  It’s been quite some time.  She told me she missed my hugs and cuddles.  She left me when she was 13 to go back to her father and came back two days ago at 22 to say she loved me and missed me.  You cannot even imagine the absolute wonder I felt.  I know there is a biblical story about the sons that stayed with their father, but the elation the father had when the wayward one came back.  It definitely does not mean that you love the sons that stayed by your side any less, it just means you feel your lost sheep has come back to the fold.

My sons are amazing.  They have supported me through my life.  One had stepped away as well for a while but is back.  I had an amazing time with them at the Blue Jays game 14 years after the last time I was with them at one.  This one made me feel special and young and I had an amazing time!!

But here is the thing.  My daughter is a middle child.  My boys did not have to live with me when I was at my lowest.  My daughter chose to.  And today lying next to her is special because when we hug and I hold her in my arms, I am 13 years forward.  I am not bulimic, I have accepted the divorce, and all I know is, and I told her: We all wonder what our purpose on life is.  Mine was to be a mother to them.  I was not perfect, but my love for them always unconditional.  But what is more amazing is that since I have no bulimia in my way, my heart is bigger and bolder and filled with love and understanding.

My daughter in the past three days has been the biggest eye opener to me.  I realized that marathoning Netflix shows is so much more useless then spending time with your children.  I have watched one show only.  Suits.  Sorry.  A bit addicted to that one, but other than that the TV has been off, and we walk and talk and I now write again.  And I go to bed early rather than stupid hours of the night.

I know this is a temporary arrangement, but I will treasure it while I have it.  And she is smart, and funny and I learn from her.  Maybe more than she of me.

And here is my most wonderful part of this.  I am going to see my youngest son to celebrate his 21st birthday on Sunday.  She will be his surprise present.  Along with his Aunt, my sister who we too this weekend have made amends after a few years and planning fun future stuff.

And then Dad who is really doing well after a severe stroke.  And mom’s patience and I saw them too this weekend.

And my ex boyfriend and best friend came in to say hi to me at work….

Someone told me to get a lottery ticket with all this wonder happening.

I don’t need to.  I already won the lottery.