The ghost is me!! and Hampy
Of the three, the one in the middle I divorced happily… the two on either side are always in my heart!
You have the RIGHT to divorce a sister, even if it’s not on paper. Words cannot explain the betrayal one feels of a sister versus a friend or a stranger. I learned this. And today I am fine with it knowing I made MY choice and not all the choices people around me were advising me of or telling me to do… forgive….
I know, forgiveness is what everyone preaches. I have to admit I don’t understand that word. The term “let go and let God”, I understand better, and to keep living my life around people I love. I know that sounds selfish, but in a positive way it truly is. I don’t want to be around an ex- s and ex-h who didn’t bring beauty to my life and in fact caused a lot of emotional chaos! I choose to spend it with the people who DO bring beauty in my life. I can’t say it’s not total unforgiveness. As I said, I’m not even sure of what forgiveness means. I know though that I have never been happier since I CHOSE to NOT have negative energy or people who send out negative emotions when around me… #FREEDOM… And to stop listening to people tell me I have to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t happen that way of which whatever they are thinking when they say it. You have to be your own person and define what all that is. To me? It’s what I wrote earlier. I do not know internally in my heart the definition of forgiveness, but I do know now the internal definition of living away from those who offend you and keeping a very positive force around you… I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.
I have lately been learning about NLP. Very interesting. Neuro Linguistic Programming. The biggest lessons I have been learning is about the subconscious mind and how it will protect you. It even protects emotions that you may suppress, until you are well enough for them to surface again to deal with.
Lately, there have been many of those suppressed feelings that have come forth, leading me to believe that I am ready for my subconscious to introduce to my conscious mind memories I chose to either forget or bury in my brain.
It’s freeing. It’s wonderful, and overwhelming a bit, but my subconscious mind is giving me tid bits at a time.
I feel alive again. I am feeling the love again, the reaching out.
I will say I am recluse for the most part, always enjoyed my solitude. But it’s feeling different now. It’s feeling like it’s more by choice then by reasons of the past. Freeing.
Be careful what you wish for. And the pain associated with it tonight I am in so much pain and not understanding my behaviour. I am with my daughter and drove five hours to see her and all I did was be hurtful. Is this because subconsciously I feel guilt, anger when she left me, inadequacy and all the things I wanted to forget and now coming out like demons to hurt myself again because I’m afraid of love? Was my bulimia a part of my self sabotage of riding myself of love because I am so afraid of it because it will leave me so do what is necessary to make it go away before it leaves me? But it hurts just as much so why do I do this still knowing that? Why? Why am I so afraid of love?
But I didn’t go back to my bulimia…. Just my anxiety.
But I am still wondering where I am.
Where am I?
It’s always nice when you call you parents to ask them a question that was about good times and nostalgia and end up getting the “talk”. My son went to see my parents today. I haven’t seen him in a couple of months. He told my mother that he hates that I live in a “dump” while his father is looking at a $2 million home. Personally I don’t care and I don’t think my place is a dump. Small? Yes, but I remember the fun times I had in my little fort when I was a kid in the crawl space. No one knew about it for quite some time and I enjoyed going there to sit and listen to music. My little sister ended up being invited, but she also ratted me out, and when mom found out she asked if I was hiding boys down there. LOL. Ya right. I was 13 years old and really how was I going to sneak them by the most intuitive person I have ever known in my life?
So this little cubby place I live in suits me fine. It’s a roof over my head, affordable, pet friendly, keeps me busy, nice sunny kitchen, warm cuddly bed and silence. Silence and away from the world I choose to be away from. Judgement, hatred, crime, anger. Here it’s fun, happiness, quiet and I bake, cook and clean for me. I miss my children, but if they feel I’m an embarrassment to them, then so be it. They need not come by to see me, visit me. I’m just their mother. I’m just the one that was there for their first 13 years trying to teach them the value of life, not money. The sun is shining, I have a smile on my face and animals that love me no matter what. I’m happy. My mental state is getting better and this is what I need right now. Yes. I use I alot, and me alot, because for years it was always about them. Husband, children, friends, family. Always about them, not me. So it’s me time now. I have the right and the choice. Mental health. It’s what I need and what I am getting. Here. Alone, but not lonely. Me, myself and I. I have learned to love myself, not always defend myself, but I know that I am there for me until I die. Just me. No one else. And so, to ME my best friend, I say, who cares what anyone else thinks. If “we” are happy, that’s all that matters in life.
Maybe I’m living my character “Hampy”‘s life. You can find the book on Amazon.com. It’s about me. Look up Hampy. He’s a cute distorted guy with a hump on his back. But he left the world to hide away and it made him happy. So hump and happy made for Hampy. He’s so much of me. And to this I end this blog.