Knowledge of learning to love again

The ghost is me!! and Hampy

Of the three, the one in the middle I divorced happily… the two on either side are always in my heart!

You have the RIGHT to divorce a sister, even if it’s not on paper.  Words cannot explain the betrayal one feels of a sister versus a friend or a stranger.  I learned this.  And today I am fine with it knowing I made MY choice and not all the choices people around me were advising me of or telling me to do… forgive….

I know, forgiveness is what everyone preaches. I have to admit I don’t understand that word. The term “let go and let God”, I understand better, and to keep living my life around people I love. I know that sounds selfish, but in a positive way it truly is. I don’t want to be around an ex- s and ex-h who didn’t bring beauty to my life and in fact caused a lot of emotional chaos! I choose to spend it with the people who DO bring beauty in my life. I can’t say it’s not total unforgiveness. As I said, I’m not even sure of what forgiveness means. I know though that I have never been happier since I CHOSE to NOT have negative energy or people who send out negative emotions when around me… #FREEDOM… And to stop listening to people tell me I have to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t happen that way of which whatever they are thinking when they say it. You have to be your own person and define what all that is. To me? It’s what I wrote earlier. I do not know internally in my heart the definition of forgiveness, but I do know now the internal definition of living away from those who offend you and keeping a very positive force around you… I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

……

I have lately been learning about NLP.  Very interesting.  Neuro Linguistic Programming. The biggest lessons I have been learning is about the subconscious mind and how it will protect you.  It even protects emotions that you may suppress, until you are well enough for them to surface again to deal with.

Lately, there have been many of those suppressed feelings that have come forth, leading me to believe that I am ready for my subconscious to introduce to my conscious mind memories I chose to either forget or bury in my brain.

It’s freeing.  It’s wonderful, and overwhelming a bit, but my subconscious mind is giving me tid bits at a time.

I feel alive again.  I am feeling the love again, the reaching out.

I will say I am recluse for the most part, always enjoyed my solitude.  But it’s feeling different now.  It’s feeling like it’s more by choice then by reasons of the past.  Freeing.

Sisters – Friend or Foe and the Delete Button

 

Sisters. I was trying to make sense of all of this.  Where did we start loving or hating each other.  So I made a grid.  I made a grid that I am still working on.  It starts off like this:

THOUGHTS by sister number.  1, 2, 3(me), 4:

#1 BOSSY #2 PUSSY #3 PUSSY #4 BOSSY

#1 MANIPULATIVE #2 NEEDY #3 FRUSTRATED #4 LIAR

#1 DELETE #2 WISH BUTTON #3 LOVE #4 HUG

#1 SLUT #2 KIND HEARTED #3 MIDDLE ROAD #4 CHARISMA

#1 SELFISH #2 GIVING #3 CARING #4 UNSURE

#1 DESTRUCTIVE #2 SELF-DESTRUCTIVE #3 SELF-SABOTAGING #4 LOST

#1 FAKE #2 MARTYR #3 DISILLUSIONED #4 BLATANT

#1 SELF-INTERESTED #2 SELF-INTERESTED #3 SELF-INTERESTED #4 SELF-INTERESTED

#1 TO A FAULT #2 TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL RIGHTEOUS #3 FOR COMPLETION #4 TO EXIST

#1 TRIES TO CONTROL EVERYONE AROUND HER #2 TRIES TO CONTROL HER HOME KINGDOM #3 GIVES UP CONTROL #4 LIVES WITH CONTROL

#1 DISGUSTS ME #2 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY #3 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY #4 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY

#1 LOOKED UP TO LIKE A DIETY #2 LOOKED UP TO AS A SECOND MOM #3 FELT ALONE BUT NEVER LONELY AND LIKE LOOKING OUTSIDE OF EVERYTHING FROM INSIDE OF SELF #4 WANTED HER TO LOVE ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE FAMILY – PROTECTIVE AND DIDN’T WANT HER TO FEEL WHAT I FELT – BEING LEFT OUT.

#1 FELL OFF A PEDESTAL AND CRASHED AND BURNED #2 ALWAYS A SECOND MOM BUT SADDER FOR HER #3 STILL IN THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT #4 ALWAYS FELT CLOSER EVEN WHEN SHUT OFF BY HER – ONE OF MY LIMBS

So that is my list to date.  I can’t really know where I am in my family until I truly feel what it is that I feel for each and everyone of my sisters and how it shaped my world growing up.

I know my parents, as they are aging, are feeling that it would be a sad thing to see the family fall apart after they leave us.  I can’t say that will happen, but my delete button is staring me in the face with #1 on it.  I have had to suffer the pain of being around this gigantic demon in my life for so many years of so many issues I can’t even begin to write here on this public blog.  She has been the most destructive entity in our family from the day I met her.  But there is no delete button at this time.  I understand my parents.  I have three children of my own.  I know how much my daughter loves her eldest brother and feels as though he is not feeling the same back to her.  I know the feeling of my sons towards each other and towards their sister.  I wish I could have a magic wand and say “hey you will all be good together when I die”.  But I can’t.  And I don’t know what destruction ensued my divorce between them or anyone.  It was an ugly divorce and they were torn.  Each one of them at a different age that would be affected differently and also differently as they grew up and tried to put it all together.

The gigantic delete button would have been my first thing to do as soon as I had a human understanding of life.  If that delete button was available, my children would not have suffered under the horrible acts of #1.

Suffice it to say, I have tried forgiveness in the biggest way.  I tried to list any or all of the good traits of #1.  I failed drastically.  I could only come up with her paying for a birthday dinner she took me out to one night.  That was it.

From her trying to drown my #2 and taking all her friends and boyfriends away, and sitting on the side lines and watching, to her using my #4 and making her do things she should never have had to have done in her teens to make her husband happy, to her having an affair with… many… and ending it with my ex husband.  She was also the one at when I was 16 and she was about to get married, told me I should fast and lose weight because I was too fat at 130 lbs.  I am not blaming her, but she did plant that seed that led to my then five day fast that she put me on, followed by diet after diet to bulimia.  I chose to keep watering the seed she planted, but nevertheless…. She is pure evil.  She is a demon.  I try not to think about it often.  But when I do, I still look for that delete button.

And the sister that would be the one I would call on that is quoted in the picture?  #4

 

Unwell? How telling…

I’m into the “telling” word… how I used to be.  How compelling is that thought… and I’m just a bit more clear.. those words are hidden in this song.  A bit more clear.   What does it take to get you there?  That and the “shadows on the wall, hearing voices telling you to get to sleep… feeling like… I’m heading for a break down… but don’t know why”..  “Talking to  myself in public… I hear them talking about me”… “Lost”… BUT  “I’m NOT crazy, I’m just little unwell”.  And yes I am.  To last post about honesty, comes forth the not well.  I have three sisters.  One scares me a lot, one not so much because I know her too well, and one I love to death.  She couldn’t hurt a fly.  Why is this song “telling”?  Because my youngest called me an alcoholic loser.  She told me I was successful at one time and now am a loser.  I wanted to tell her to look in the mirror.  The reason I feel like this song is “telling” is because I knew and still know how to love.  She never did, never will.  It’s all about her.  To me, my life is all about others.  I hurt for them, fell for them, feel for them, humans or animals.  It’s my gift.  I feel their pain.  Some might say it’s a curse.  I think it’s a gift.  Why?  Because so many people on this urth (say it that way, it’s fun… urth… my daughter taught me that… lol) so many cannot feel other people’s pain, can’t see that they are better off then others.  All they see are themselves.  It’s a ME factor.  I might be an alcoholic, or a loser, or a one time bulimic, but one thing I know is LA.  Is me.  And is the pain of others.  Not a curse, a gift.

And I love me, with my pluses and minuses, I love ME.  And that I feel is also a gift.  Those who cannot love themselves no matter what can never know the meaning of unconditional love.  Ross knew it.  I know it.  We are a rare breed.  I’m smiling right now as I write this because I feel special.  And because I do, no one can hurt me anymore.  Unless I hurt myself, which I don’t plan on doing.  I’m my best friend.  And yes, I talk to myself, and I’ve already had my break down… and now it’s my break upward.  But I will still talk to myself, and to my animals like they are human, and hug them and love them like they human, because they are the few on this “urth” that understand unconditional love.  One thing my sister, the one that called me those names?  Will never know.  And that’s another story for another blog.

Note the noses and to my previous post…. to honesty.  Why do you think some end up like us?  Honesty is such a lonely a word…