On the 11th of February I celebrated 11 days sober (I am a wine junky) and 11 years sober from my bulimia. This recent journey is bringing me to new places. I am reading, writing letters and sketching – things I enjoyed doing but didn’t because I would just what to sit and watch TV with my trustee old friend Wine and relax.
There are a lot of things I am becoming aware of during this short time of complete sobriety. I have been reading The Saint The Surfer and The CEO and it has opened my eyes to many issues I have to deal with and resolve. I realized I have had a closed heart for quite some time. It’s not that I don’t feel, but I certainly retain a wall around me to minimize the possibility of hurt.
As I go along this journey I am Journaling. To that end I will share some of the lessons that are worthwhile. To my friends out there still fighting the fight, don’t give up. As long as there is a spark still alive, it can still light the fire.
I feel for those going through depression issues no matter what they are labelled. Been there. I built a tower of my own and with all the expectations of those around me built it too high. It is not a nice analogy but it describes it somehow. The Trade Centre. An easy target and the higher the building the more susceptible and the bigger the fall. And when you get to ground zero it sure as hell takes time to even imagine starting to grow again on the same property. That property being you.
It took me years to get there but in the last three I have made new foundations. But this time I am not building a tower. And my architectural plan is for me not everyone else. Small works for me. I have nothing to prove to others only to myself.
A friend told me that some people who suffer from issues need to find that love for self first before they can grow. Some are not aware they have it and need to find it. Some do find the gift they didn’t know they actually had until they open the present. Others need to create that love and that is a tough journey.
I was lucky. I remember being an incredibly happy child at the age of three. First three years are crucial. I found that me again. Unfortunately not all adults have that remembory. I do and embrace it now. And pray those that don’t can learn self love somehow.
Peter Paul Rubens… what a wonder. Love his women in Rubenesque style and painted them so wonderfully. Believe it or not I am an Art History Major and when I was going through my Media Folly of Skinny Be Me in those magazines, I was also studying Paul’s art. Not only his, but Paul Peel, who painted the most wonderful painting of a woman I was fascinated with and did my theory on. I was fascinated because these artists loved their women as they were. Not magazine skinny, but beautiful and full and gorgeous.
A few samples before I go to sleep. Tired but love to share before I go to bed when I am feeling the happiness of being who I am. 🙂
Although this is not the version I would have made, I do have to give accolades to the person who created this video. To me, however, I would be standing before a mirror and putting my petals back on my rose… me.
I showed this post to a male friend of mine – just the picture – and I asked “what do you think about this lady?” His answer is why he is my friend. He said “she has a little bit of that, but that’s what a woman should have. She’s really pretty.” And I knew he meant it. Here is the post:
“A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way: “Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cd’s. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.Mermaids do not exist.But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.
At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.
We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I ?! ”
Do share if you care.