Six Years and Eleven Days

On the 11th of February I celebrated 11 days sober (I am a wine junky) and 11 years sober from my bulimia. This recent journey is bringing me to new places.  I am reading, writing letters and sketching – things I enjoyed doing but didn’t because I would just what to sit and watch TV with my trustee old friend Wine and relax.

There are a lot of things I am becoming aware of during this short time of complete sobriety.  I have been reading The Saint The Surfer and The CEO and it has opened my eyes to many issues I have to deal with and resolve. I realized I have had a closed heart for quite some time. It’s not that I don’t feel, but I certainly retain a wall around me to minimize the possibility of hurt.

As I go along this journey I am Journaling.  To that end I will share some of the lessons that are worthwhile.  To my friends out there still fighting the fight, don’t give up. As long as there is a spark still alive, it can still light the fire.

Sometimes It’s Hard, But Then Happy Happens

It’s been 5 years of clean and happy.  Sometimes it’s hard.  But not the bulimia.  The way I look at myself.  I know I look “good” for “my age”, but I also know I could do better.  I know if I worked out a little more I could lose my tummy or some of it and maybe some of my boobs.  But then look at myself and say ‘are you kidding me???’ I am turning 53 years old.  I realize sometimes I am hard on myself because I remember when I was fit and young and really prettier than I realized I was now looking back on pictures.  So tonight I looked at myself and said “really LaurieAnn?  Really? You are seriously not happy with what you have tonight?”  And why I quote this is because for the most part during any one day I don’t even think about my body.  I just think about my customers and my smile to them to make them feel better on that one day.  But alone and dancing like no one is looking, sometimes a mirror shoots a reflection back at me…. and it’s actually funny.  I think “hey you are nice front and back but don’t stand sideways.”

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Awesome day

I have a belly.  Like SO WHAT?? perfection.  It’s not about my bulimia anymore it’s about making myself someone I know I can be WITHOUT the bulimia.  I don’t miss bulimia at all.  But I do miss my working out and feeling refreshed being fit.  But I know that will come.  Now having said that, had picture taking  and I felt great looking at it.  Great feeling to feel that way.  Probably why I said when at work I never even think of what I look like.

Oh and too I think I mentioned this before… I promised myself I didn’t want be overweight like my mother at my age and I wanted stability in eating.  I have that.   Now I just would like a bit more of working my muscles because there is something I do know… working out with weights has not age limit.  And muscles have memory so I can wake mine up again. 🙂 Having said this though??? I still love that I can hug my mother and that she loves food and loves life.  So going backwards… why do I NOT want to be like her?  Because I am me. 🙂

Recovered bulimic… never going back… too happy where I am.  So I will take my little tummy.  🙂

 

Hello Beautiful Lady

A letter to a friend:

Hello beautiful lady. Thinking about you lots. I hope you are doing well. I am trying to think about the one thing that changed my life. What words my sister said to me that one night that turned my life around and I stopped. I think it was her honesty combined with no judgement. No judgement.  No expectations.  Just honesty. And love. I think but still not sure if the knowing someone else knew and was kind and allowed me to have the choice to take this in my own hands was the answer? I am still trying to formulate my success after so many years. And rendering it into a short cut for you. Life as a bulimic for 30 years is a loss of much of your life. Maybe some things that may change your thinking. I have bad teeth now and three missing. I am spending money to fix them but it was my bulimia that killed three of my best friends in my mouth. I cried when they had to go. It was about the relationship I had with them more so then cosmetic issues believe it or not. That controlling issue in my youth hurt and killed three of my best friends and my relationship with many but mostly my daughter. I am happy now but so much I would have given to say goodbye to B way back when. 😉 what I thought was my best friend in silence was although that silent friend one that was destructive.  I should have let her go a long time ago. Sure dont miss her. She was like a jealous possessive thing that overtook me and didn’t want me to be with anyone else. Sorry but I will say this crudely.  Fuck her. The F word sometimes is the only way to truly characterize the way you feel with the proper passion. Happy I ended that relationship. … maybe in writing this I now know what to look for in my writing. Thanks for listening. 🙂

I Thank God For Letting Me Be Blessed With Children

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When I was pregnant I stopped my bulimia. It was like a present to me. I even stopped completely after my daughter (second) until the birth of my third. I became overwhelmed and didn’t know what I was doing and my coping led me back to bulimia. Now I like that my recovery makes me have to cope with reality. I want to hear and understand everything they are going through. They are back in my life almost everyday again after a period of not knowing how to deal with me. Can’t blame them. Four years was very empty for me. But it’s full again. I love being a mom and so happy to feel like one again over the past couple of years. It’s not worth numbing yourself with an eating disorder. So much can be lost and forgotten. I refuse to do that to me or them ever again!

Great Post on Furious Pete’s FB – a must share here!

Hey pete, we have briefly spoke before via email, you are a huge inpiration to me in overcoming my anorexia, before i found you on youtube i was struggling to carry on, i had got well enough to come out of hospital but i was on the verge of a relapse…until your workout videos gave me inspiration, to be stronger, to be dedicated for and to my life, and to realise that recovery from anorexia is possible!
It has been almost 2 and a half years since my lowest and worst weight which was 60lbs. Now i weight 170 and am getting stronger and stronger, thank you for all your help…continue being FURIOUS!

 

Matt Booth

Thanks for sharing this Matt – and too Furious Pete!!  Click on link to reach Furious Pete’s Facebook Page

Thank You To All – 23,000 hits!

I can’t believe it.  Two years ago I started this site and never would I have believe that I would have had so many people visit my site.  I did it during my recovery and I knew I was ready to be able to post without triggering a desire to eat and throw up.  It was a pinnacle in my life.  It was when I knew that I really never wanted to go back again.  All your comments, your likes, your posts I’ve visited have truly been a great journey towards a new life for me and a greater understanding of just how wide spread this issue is.  I always knew it was big, but it’s even bigger than I thought.  I truly do want to start a campaign “Quit The Skinny”.  I want to get together with some of you out there willing to take this on and start making it an issued that is recognized for what it really is!  We hide behind the internet, understandably, but I am willing to put my face out there if I have to.  I don’t need to hide anymore.  I would love to have a few of you willing to do the same to come out and say “enough is enough”!

Perfection is not about the body, but media keeps making it so.

I am willing to share this with someone, or someones who want to join me.  I really don’t want to do this alone.  Together we stand!  Let me know if you are interested.  23000 hits must be saying something!  Don’t you think?

Hugs to all out there.  For those fighting, keep up the fight towards recovery.  For those of you still in the midst of wondering where to go, keep reaching out.  For those who are recovered – speak out!

Rapid weight gain in early Eating Disorder Recovery explained.

Note:- I am not a doctor or dietitian, you should see your own doctor in the beginning of recovery. This is information I have sourced, from actual science papers and information from my own dietitian. You will find all my sources near the end. Anyone attempting recovery should be aware of refeeding syndrome. I don’t “know it all”, and am not professing to know everything, however, had I read this information in the beginning, I would have found it useful, hence making a post about it.

Read more… Rapid weight gain in early Eating Disorder Recovery explained..