Knowledge of learning to love again

The ghost is me!! and Hampy

Of the three, the one in the middle I divorced happily… the two on either side are always in my heart!

You have the RIGHT to divorce a sister, even if it’s not on paper.  Words cannot explain the betrayal one feels of a sister versus a friend or a stranger.  I learned this.  And today I am fine with it knowing I made MY choice and not all the choices people around me were advising me of or telling me to do… forgive….

I know, forgiveness is what everyone preaches. I have to admit I don’t understand that word. The term “let go and let God”, I understand better, and to keep living my life around people I love. I know that sounds selfish, but in a positive way it truly is. I don’t want to be around an ex- s and ex-h who didn’t bring beauty to my life and in fact caused a lot of emotional chaos! I choose to spend it with the people who DO bring beauty in my life. I can’t say it’s not total unforgiveness. As I said, I’m not even sure of what forgiveness means. I know though that I have never been happier since I CHOSE to NOT have negative energy or people who send out negative emotions when around me… #FREEDOM… And to stop listening to people tell me I have to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t happen that way of which whatever they are thinking when they say it. You have to be your own person and define what all that is. To me? It’s what I wrote earlier. I do not know internally in my heart the definition of forgiveness, but I do know now the internal definition of living away from those who offend you and keeping a very positive force around you… I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

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I have lately been learning about NLP.  Very interesting.  Neuro Linguistic Programming. The biggest lessons I have been learning is about the subconscious mind and how it will protect you.  It even protects emotions that you may suppress, until you are well enough for them to surface again to deal with.

Lately, there have been many of those suppressed feelings that have come forth, leading me to believe that I am ready for my subconscious to introduce to my conscious mind memories I chose to either forget or bury in my brain.

It’s freeing.  It’s wonderful, and overwhelming a bit, but my subconscious mind is giving me tid bits at a time.

I feel alive again.  I am feeling the love again, the reaching out.

I will say I am recluse for the most part, always enjoyed my solitude.  But it’s feeling different now.  It’s feeling like it’s more by choice then by reasons of the past.  Freeing.

Another telling song… “where you go when you’re gone….”

My daughter chose this song for us to sing when we took singing lessons together when she was 10 and we had just begun a new journey. Her and me against a world I didn’t even know how to face. Not a good combination. I thought she picked it because when I listened to the words, it was interesting in that one line “so I can finally see where you go when you’re gone”. I was gone. All of a sudden the blinders were taken off of me and that feeling of being overwhelmed by what I was finally “seeing” was devastating. I made wrong decisions because I couldn’t figure out what good ones were. I wasn’t the mother I should have been. I’m not sure even what a mother is. I still don’t even after 22 years of being one. I just figure I am someone who messed up my children, who will be remembered that way, who messed herself up because nothing ever made sense to her. Where did I go when I was “gone”? I had no where to go. Sometimes to the bathroom, sometimes to the bottle. The pain and ache in my heart, the emotions were and still can be, overbearing. I still haven’t forgiven myself, even if my daughter tells me to. It’s not that simple.

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