There Is Never Enough Time

I heard this song and I realized that a big part of my life was lost to my bulimia, and to my self-centeredness and selfishness.  I didn’t realize I was any of those, buried in my addiction.  At the same time, looking back, I realized how lost I was through those years.  I never really knew who I was once my bulimia started.  I remember my mother telling me that I was not the Laurie she used to know.  She was indeed right.  I was not altogether gone, but a big part of that younger Laurie was – lost in the confusion of what it was that had taken over my life, and at times had sabotaged what could have been the most beautiful time in my life.

I won’t say that all was lost.  I did have some great times with my children.  Unfortunately, sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind me that I did have those.

I know I lost their teenage years to their father.  In hindsight, this was likely a good thing.  I try to resolve with myself if that was selfish of me to not fight the mammoth harder to have more time with them, but in the end, the fight to do so would have most likely just applied more scars to what already was a nightmare of a divorce and ending of a family unit.

Today I am very happy and I have forgiven myself for many things.  I do believe, however, the hardest one is the questions of parenting.  But I have to let those go.  My sons and daughter have advise me to do so, and to stop being sorry for what might have been.  So it is my duty to myself and them to move forward as I am doing, and enjoy every moment I have with them, however brief and few now that they are all young adults.

I end this with the song I was listening to that does make you think…. and realize it is so important to embrace the time we have with family and friends and even more so, with self.  For when the times alone are ones that you cherish, it makes it all the more magical to share the love you have for yourself with others you love.

 

Would Be 27 Years

Strange how I always look at dates.  In my time here, it is 8:36 pm on September 11, 2014.  I remember being President of the local Chamber of Commerce and just starting into my term when the September 11th disaster happened.  I remember driving my children to school and was listening to the radio and thought it was something of a hoax… could this be real?  Or Orson Wells?  Spent the afternoon with the new Executive Director we just hired watching in horror. That was 13 years ago.

Tomorrow is another date I remember.  27 years ago I said “I do” to the man I loved and had three beautiful children with.  We would have been together for 27 years, and on September 26th, would have known each other for 34.  Do I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I had fought it out and stayed?  Sometimes, but rarely.  My only sadness is for my children, but they seem to be doing okay.

I love my little life now…. but it is incredibly weird how fast time goes by.  But new dreams, new life, new friends and old friends still here, makes this all worth my time on this earth.  Ask me if I would have even thought I would be married with children?  Never.  But I was, and did my part, and now back to what I knew I would end up like… loving architecture, knowing where I want to go, what I want, and working towards that dream… and best of all… bulimic free. 🙂

Do you have dates that come back in your mind randomly to remind you?  Feel free to share. 🙂

One of The Most Awesome Mother’s Day Gifts

One might think a Mother’s Day gift is wrapped in fine paper with a ribbon on top.  Mine is not.  Mine happened tonight when my youngest son spoke to me about my influence on how he wants to treat a woman and his apology for not responding to my texts.  I don’t mind no responses.  I send out I love you’s just because not expecting anything back from a University son.  If I do get response it’s a bonus.  It is just how I have learned to live life as a single rehabilitated bulimic.  I like my solitude, so understand theirs too, but doesn’t mean I can’t reach out now and again to say “hey, I am thinking about you”.  I am sure somewhere in my posts I noted that when I was 16 I wanted to be a successful architect in my future, and with a home by a river, overlooking the lake.  I saw the home I had once wanted to design at one point in my life, safe for the room with mirrors and bars to dance in.  I didn’t ever want to marry or have children, and I owned a Porsche.  It was my dream.  My dream that twisted in circles until I fell in love two years later, married him seven years later and had three children.  To this day I have no regrets.  I am single again living in a tiny barn apartment, with nothing but a paycheck and a beaten up 1995 Honda Civic.  And I thank God for the most beautiful gifts I have.  One is that I am a mother and am celebrating my quarter of a century of being on, albeit he was to be born three months later.  Didn’t matter.  I was a mom and he was six months in my belly.  I am having dinner with my baby tomorrow.  Money meant everything to my children’s father including a certain style of womanhood in front of the big wigs as his climb up the latter kept getting higher.  Remember, stress for a bulimic is not a good thing and that followed me.  But with every pregnancy, I didn’t do it.  Sometimes during those times I wished I could be pregnant my whole life.  But leaving him alieved that issue later in life.  Anyway, it was perhaps some strange futuristic vision that led me to want more than one child.  I had my beautiful daughter.  Then it seemed complete.  I was ready to close off the valves when it was too late and number three, my baby son, was born.  He is the story behind this beginning of the Most Awesome Mother’s Day Gift.  It means all three are what are the most awesome mother’s day gift, but it brought me to this:

Youngest said tonight I was his inspiration in regards to love, and how to treat a woman.

Daughter had said I was the reason for knowing why she struggles with mental health issues.

Eldest son just loves me and figures I am who I am.

Three beautiful thoughts.  I will take them all.  the Most Awesome Mother’s Day Gifts.  But more so, I love their insightfulness.  All three have spoken to appreciating my breakdown, my fears, my self sabotage, and then watching as I grow to be stronger, and love them more than money.  To appreciate each of their emotional baggage as children of divorce, and they too me of being a victim of one.

They all talk differently of their lives to me, and I see all of them in me.  That is being a mother.  To understand all their not only emotional, but intellectual, and investigative needs in this world that has so created a more beautiful next generation.  For everyone who at my age of 51 or older do not have faith in the next generation?  I so do.  I have been blessed with three children who are proving that.  Three completely different, yet bound by their sibling traits, wonderful and beautiful children.

Thank you God.  May you lead them continually on the path of a more balanced life, yet one still filled with the excitement and adventure I lived, even if it left me with not much materialistically.  It left me with a pot of gold in unconditional love.  The kind God, you advocate for us through your love.  Thank you!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all, both mothers and fathers who know what being a carelover and teaching out little ones that grow up how to know that love… unconditional.

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I Thank God For Letting Me Be Blessed With Children

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When I was pregnant I stopped my bulimia. It was like a present to me. I even stopped completely after my daughter (second) until the birth of my third. I became overwhelmed and didn’t know what I was doing and my coping led me back to bulimia. Now I like that my recovery makes me have to cope with reality. I want to hear and understand everything they are going through. They are back in my life almost everyday again after a period of not knowing how to deal with me. Can’t blame them. Four years was very empty for me. But it’s full again. I love being a mom and so happy to feel like one again over the past couple of years. It’s not worth numbing yourself with an eating disorder. So much can be lost and forgotten. I refuse to do that to me or them ever again!

Thank You To All – 23,000 hits!

I can’t believe it.  Two years ago I started this site and never would I have believe that I would have had so many people visit my site.  I did it during my recovery and I knew I was ready to be able to post without triggering a desire to eat and throw up.  It was a pinnacle in my life.  It was when I knew that I really never wanted to go back again.  All your comments, your likes, your posts I’ve visited have truly been a great journey towards a new life for me and a greater understanding of just how wide spread this issue is.  I always knew it was big, but it’s even bigger than I thought.  I truly do want to start a campaign “Quit The Skinny”.  I want to get together with some of you out there willing to take this on and start making it an issued that is recognized for what it really is!  We hide behind the internet, understandably, but I am willing to put my face out there if I have to.  I don’t need to hide anymore.  I would love to have a few of you willing to do the same to come out and say “enough is enough”!

Perfection is not about the body, but media keeps making it so.

I am willing to share this with someone, or someones who want to join me.  I really don’t want to do this alone.  Together we stand!  Let me know if you are interested.  23000 hits must be saying something!  Don’t you think?

Hugs to all out there.  For those fighting, keep up the fight towards recovery.  For those of you still in the midst of wondering where to go, keep reaching out.  For those who are recovered – speak out!

What is Love?

I always wondered how I would describe love if I had to.  Never really could until I saw this picture tonight…. all the while watching “Shall We Dance”.  Ironic the two came together.  Something I believed in for my whole life, but never was.  I’m 50 now.  Don’t know that it will.  But hope my children do find this kind of love.  The love between the two in Shall We Dance and this picture.  That, my friends, is what I pictured love.  Now, its me with my dogs.