WHy can they eat that much?

Okay, that sounds really mean.  But seriously sometimes I watch people and ask that question.  It’s not derogatory.  It is a question.

Since I have been free of bulimia, I have learned how to eat anything in proportion.  I will eat chocolate.  One piece subsides my curiosity or feel like having… not craving, of which I have little of for chocolate.  I allowed myself chips any time I wanted to.  That is something I love to this day, but by allowing myself that, I can tell you I actually have not had a chip in over 4 months.  I just know I can have it so I don’t care to have it until I feel like it.

Last month I went on a “Sugar Free September Cancer Drive” and made it through with no problem.  Funny thing is people asked me if I lost weight doing that.  I did not lose a pound.  I still ate!! I just didn’t have sugar.  Now that I am allowed sugar, the first day was … wow I can have my Greek Yogurt Caramel Frozen Bar.  I had it and loved it.  Only sugar I missed.  Anything else I don’t.

My point is, that I learn from allowing, and sometimes when I disallow for a good reason, like a cancer donation drive, it makes it fun, and I know I can go back and it changes my world. I realize at the end I really don’t need it.

Bulimia changed my world too.  It made me realize that small portions of anything are okay.  You don’t have to indulge in a big meal to feel satisfied.  Food doesn’t have to be what fills you up in life.  Or in the case the bulimia, what fills you up with your emotions that you need to eat and purge later.

I understand the overeating, because I have been there.  But today I don’t undersant WHY they can eat that much.  Meaning, I’m interested in the relationship with food and person.  Why are they eating that much?  I know the easy question is they love food.  Then the next question would be “do they?” or is something missing, or WHY do they LOVE food …

Pondering the thoughts…

And I will say again… some people say that overcoming an eating disorder means you always have it. I disagree.  I can’t even begin to tell you how I can’t even imagine WHY I did it for so long.  WHY I did it at all? I know the answer, but I don’t know WHY I let it go on for so long… or maybe I don’t know WHY I even should have allowed myself to start?  Those questions really though don’t matter to me much anymore.  What does is, WHY would I eat more than what just satisfies me?  Why would I want to eat to discomfort?  Be it discomfort for the night, the day, or to want to purge it to feel better and waste all that wonderful food, that could have been enjoyed in smaller, kinder to your body size portions.

Kinder to your body size portions.  It takes time, but you really know when you’re full when you eat slowly and within 20 minutes, your stomach tells you you’ve had enough.  And is happy you enjoyed what you had to that point.  Then stop.

WHY have a second serving, knowing it will make your friend, your stomach, not comfortable? And in a bulimic stage, horrified that it will have to purge that food it so enjoyed?

If we were one with our tummy, its enjoyment of the food you provide to it, in smaller amounts, that would build the proper relationship.  Even smaller more frequent amounts.  Just think how happy the two of you would be together.  In so many ways!!

Why food?  The only answer to that is to disengage the emotions related to food in your subconscious mind.  To associate food with love for yourself, not externally.  Not to use food as a blanket, but as a friend to you and your stomach and to not overexert one of your best friends… your tummy, who takes in the food you eat and takes care of the first part of digestion.  Eat what you want but WHY eat too much?  When it is so much more romantic to eat… not too little, not too much.. but just enough.  (Love Goldie Locks and the Three Bears… the story is very telling… just right)

Hugs… Just a thought.

I love friends

It’s been a strange world lately.  Like the stars are misaligned.   Still okay though.  I don’t run to the cupboard or the fridge for solace on this time of frustration and I don’t knows.  New bosses, new colleagues, major firings and not knowing if you are the next on that revolving door list.  My solace is with my dogs, but they must be feeling my stress when it kicks in, because for the first time in two months when I first moved into my new place, baby has been messing daily.  She never did before.  And my car is blowing out gas like there is no tomorrow… so kind of like me.. lol.  Stress bloats and gas.

I miss my blogging.  I have been so busy trying to save my job that I forgot that this place is .. yes.. solace.  Always brought me piece even when I was in the most stressful moments of my life.

I really wish I could share more about my disarray, but if I linked it to any site I would be found out.  I tend not to like that.  I like my followers to find me, but not the people I don’t want to have follow me.  Does this make sense?

Conundrum, frustration, uneasiness in my stomach, but through this, I reached out.. not with food!! But with phone calls to my new front end people.  I have friend who equally wants to share her stories.  They are more about women getting out of the trenches.  She doesn’t like the front line idea.  I do.  I fight front line everyday.  She said that is negative and that we can come to just working smart not fighting.  I agree to disagree.  My lifestyle as a recovered bulimic is one where I have to be at the front line but with a white flag.  Surrender, but do it with pride and dignity.  Front line, I deal with customers.  They are always right so to speak.  When not, and in my head, I just wave the flag and discuss the issue.  I am front line.  I am customer service.  I will love my customers, and even those who cause my blood pressure to rise because they have to involve upper management.  I am a survivor. And in fairness… so many of my customers to me are gold for those 2% that may not be.  It is why I wake up to see them every day.  In this revolving door, I don’t want the exit.

I know what it feels like to fight defeat.  I AM A RECOVERED BULIMIC.  WE KNOW THE FIGHT.  MORE SO THAN ANY NORMAL PERSON.

Amazing, and God sent lesson.

Recover and you will know what true recovery feels like.  Beautiful.  And it’s never too early (better plan)  but better yet to know… never too late!!

 

Three Blind Dates

I had three blind dates and love them all until death do me part. Maybe that is what I was wrong about. Thought the love at first site 34 years ago today (September 26th) would remain a part of that.  But hey. … three out of four can’t complain. Odds for me not against me.

Mybabies

Would Be 27 Years

Strange how I always look at dates.  In my time here, it is 8:36 pm on September 11, 2014.  I remember being President of the local Chamber of Commerce and just starting into my term when the September 11th disaster happened.  I remember driving my children to school and was listening to the radio and thought it was something of a hoax… could this be real?  Or Orson Wells?  Spent the afternoon with the new Executive Director we just hired watching in horror. That was 13 years ago.

Tomorrow is another date I remember.  27 years ago I said “I do” to the man I loved and had three beautiful children with.  We would have been together for 27 years, and on September 26th, would have known each other for 34.  Do I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I had fought it out and stayed?  Sometimes, but rarely.  My only sadness is for my children, but they seem to be doing okay.

I love my little life now…. but it is incredibly weird how fast time goes by.  But new dreams, new life, new friends and old friends still here, makes this all worth my time on this earth.  Ask me if I would have even thought I would be married with children?  Never.  But I was, and did my part, and now back to what I knew I would end up like… loving architecture, knowing where I want to go, what I want, and working towards that dream… and best of all… bulimic free. 🙂

Do you have dates that come back in your mind randomly to remind you?  Feel free to share. 🙂

I’ve surpassed leap year!

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I just noticed I have posted now 367 posts. That is one day more than leap year! Amazing. Thanks to all of you who have read my posts and brought me this far! Over 30000 hits! I never would have imagined. Granted these are all just numbers. My hope is they are not just numbers but more so reaching outters. 🙂 hugs to you. And thank you for keeping me going and alive. Bulimic free!!!! But not by posts over leap year. 🙂

365 x 4 🙂 😉 🙂 🙂

After 30 years on and off longest time off. And no desire to return whatsoever. And I believe it is all thanks to many reasons, but my little bullimiaddict site being rather a very inspiring part. Thanks for sharing. 😉

Joan Rivers Bulimic? What a beautiful interview with her and Dr. Oz

I was amazed.  Joan Rivers at 74 saying she was bulimic 20 years ago.  That would make her 54.  And she said she loved it because it gave her control over something when joan-rivers-album-covereverything in her world seemed uncontrollable.  Wow.  How many can admit to that.  She also said she is no longer, but says she misses it.  I don’t.  I have to admit at 50 that working out and making sure I eat right is always something I think about, but lately it’s weird.  I ate a whole Big Mac the other day and it was okay.  I made fries last night and ate them and it was okay!  I have my odd cravings for “trigger” foods, but they don’t trigger anything anymore.  Sounds like Joan Rivers has come to this point too because her daughter said she puts whipping cream on everything and so too ketchup.  Is this freedom from the eating disorder?  I think it is.  I like the fact that I let myself even eat chocolate covered almonds again, but enjoy them rather than see them as a need to eat comfort and throw it up.  It’s a treat.  I can even eat just three and think… okay… enough.  I don’t feel like anymore. 🙂  Life is turning out to be quite fine.  I’m realizing that as long as I keep active, mentally and physically, and spiritually, all is good.  Do I have regrets for my past?  Not really.  At this point in my life I am just more concerned about uncertainties due to losing all material possessions and wondering at 50 where I’m going to go from here.  But when those feelings of uncertainty hit me, I think of happy thoughts.  Then I know that there are more of those to come.  So I started writing a movie script.  And it has to do with all the fun in life mixed with some strange things I went through.  No bulimia involved, just happy thoughts.  It’s my new food.  In the interim, I am 50 and need to learn to deal with the gravity that life is handing me.  I’m accepting it slowly but surely.  My only problem now is learning that my head is too small for my growing aging body.  But I’m sure in time, that too will be something I accept. 🙂

Men Have Eating Disorders Too!

I blogged before the Furious Pete story about men and eating disorders, but still this remains so secondary to the female struggle, which is absurd.  The statistics that they publish are questionable, as men are less likely to admit to having an eating disorder or can hide it better because it is not perceived as likely that this might be the case.  I manorexiamentioned in a comment on the Furious Pete post that I had two male friends that admitted to me having bulimia.  I suppose because I confided in them they did me.  They were two entirely different people.  The first one was a friend in college who just couldn’t control his eating and as he gained weight he had the exact same feelings as a woman – that he was becoming less and less attractive.  Obviously in the 1980’s the whole eating disorder information became rampid, so he decided he would try bulimia.  I was amazed when I found out because, like so many others, I had a stereotypical view of the disease.

The other friend did it for different reasons.  He was my workout coach and very well built – solid muscle.  Wonderful man, very sensitive though.  And for him the bulimia was that he wanted to retain his sculpted body all the while eating the foods he enjoyed.  Again I was surprised.  We hear of ballerina’s being anorexic or bulimic, but we don’t equate a weight lifter in the same vain.

Here are articles worth reading to find out the differences of why a woman would consider an eating disorder versus a male.

The Silent Victims: More Men Have Eating Disorders Than Ever Before

The Young Men Dying To Stay Thin

Why I’m Happy

Today is my nephew’s birthday.  He passed away five years ago of cancer at the age of 23.  So why would I be happy?  Because during his time on this earth he taught me what being happy was about.  It was about the people who surround you.  Not possessions, although some entertain you like technology, one thing we did have in common.  No we had a lot in common.  We cared.  We cared about others.  Maybe sometimes too much, but is there such a thing?  I don’t think so.  Some people tell me that is my downfall.  Caring, trusting, loving.  I doubt that.
During my bullimia I didn’t know how to love to the core of my heart, to know how to hurt by loving.  My divorce was painful and I relied on my daughter to keep me alive to know that I was waking up to someone there that I loved.  But my bullimia blurred me from the fact that although I was hurting I couldn’t feel it and didn’t want to.  I just ate up the hurt and threw it up.  I didn’t stand up to the pain I was feeling, I just ate it and threw it up, and when I wasn’t doing that I was relying on my poor daughter to lean on.

A very  bad combination.  One that 10 years later makes you cry.  But luckily, albeit my daughter disappeared from my life for a few years, has returned and we can talk about my misgivings.  I am lucky she forgave me, and so to my two boys.  I ended up at the end of the divorce running away and abandoning all three of them.  Afterall, I thought, they chose to live with dad.  I didn’t understand the dynamics.  I do now and I know, although I found myself through my journey in life, my journey affected them.

You can’t go back and make it better.  But you can go forward and make it better.
Through my struggles I found me and learned to love me which gave me the opportunity to understand.  It hurts to hurt, but it’s great to love more so and to engage again.  You can’t make up for your past mistakes, but you can, in what time you have left, make things better.

Finding self love was the best thing I could have found.  It made me realize I don’t “need” anyone and if someone comes along (not in any rush) it will be because I chose to have that someone there with me.  Not a want, not a need, a choice.

Final word – choices are those whom I know bless me in good ways.  Family, special friends and my animals.  Not materialistic stuff, except the odd technological ability to reach those I care for and pictures and memorabilia.  Otherwise simplicity is what makes me happy.  Oh and health and laughter.