WHy can they eat that much?

Okay, that sounds really mean.  But seriously sometimes I watch people and ask that question.  It’s not derogatory.  It is a question.

Since I have been free of bulimia, I have learned how to eat anything in proportion.  I will eat chocolate.  One piece subsides my curiosity or feel like having… not craving, of which I have little of for chocolate.  I allowed myself chips any time I wanted to.  That is something I love to this day, but by allowing myself that, I can tell you I actually have not had a chip in over 4 months.  I just know I can have it so I don’t care to have it until I feel like it.

Last month I went on a “Sugar Free September Cancer Drive” and made it through with no problem.  Funny thing is people asked me if I lost weight doing that.  I did not lose a pound.  I still ate!! I just didn’t have sugar.  Now that I am allowed sugar, the first day was … wow I can have my Greek Yogurt Caramel Frozen Bar.  I had it and loved it.  Only sugar I missed.  Anything else I don’t.

My point is, that I learn from allowing, and sometimes when I disallow for a good reason, like a cancer donation drive, it makes it fun, and I know I can go back and it changes my world. I realize at the end I really don’t need it.

Bulimia changed my world too.  It made me realize that small portions of anything are okay.  You don’t have to indulge in a big meal to feel satisfied.  Food doesn’t have to be what fills you up in life.  Or in the case the bulimia, what fills you up with your emotions that you need to eat and purge later.

I understand the overeating, because I have been there.  But today I don’t undersant WHY they can eat that much.  Meaning, I’m interested in the relationship with food and person.  Why are they eating that much?  I know the easy question is they love food.  Then the next question would be “do they?” or is something missing, or WHY do they LOVE food …

Pondering the thoughts…

And I will say again… some people say that overcoming an eating disorder means you always have it. I disagree.  I can’t even begin to tell you how I can’t even imagine WHY I did it for so long.  WHY I did it at all? I know the answer, but I don’t know WHY I let it go on for so long… or maybe I don’t know WHY I even should have allowed myself to start?  Those questions really though don’t matter to me much anymore.  What does is, WHY would I eat more than what just satisfies me?  Why would I want to eat to discomfort?  Be it discomfort for the night, the day, or to want to purge it to feel better and waste all that wonderful food, that could have been enjoyed in smaller, kinder to your body size portions.

Kinder to your body size portions.  It takes time, but you really know when you’re full when you eat slowly and within 20 minutes, your stomach tells you you’ve had enough.  And is happy you enjoyed what you had to that point.  Then stop.

WHY have a second serving, knowing it will make your friend, your stomach, not comfortable? And in a bulimic stage, horrified that it will have to purge that food it so enjoyed?

If we were one with our tummy, its enjoyment of the food you provide to it, in smaller amounts, that would build the proper relationship.  Even smaller more frequent amounts.  Just think how happy the two of you would be together.  In so many ways!!

Why food?  The only answer to that is to disengage the emotions related to food in your subconscious mind.  To associate food with love for yourself, not externally.  Not to use food as a blanket, but as a friend to you and your stomach and to not overexert one of your best friends… your tummy, who takes in the food you eat and takes care of the first part of digestion.  Eat what you want but WHY eat too much?  When it is so much more romantic to eat… not too little, not too much.. but just enough.  (Love Goldie Locks and the Three Bears… the story is very telling… just right)

Hugs… Just a thought.

I’m Not Afraid of Christmas Anymore!

What a beautiful Christmas Eve and two days to follow. No more fear of too much food!! And there was a lot! But I didn’t fear it at all.  I even took some home and enjoyed it for the last two days.  What freedom… and it made having time with my family so much more enjoyable.  This is the fourth year I have felt this way and I thank God!  But even more so thank God for my new home, my new friends.  I keep moving forward and loving every day.

I was walking my dogs and looking around at the pond, and the parks around my new surroundings… the silence, the solitude that I so love to come back to after spending beautiful time with family.  Thought… “never would have thought I would live here or be doing what I am doing in my life”… then a small voice responded “every day is a new day and never ask why… just enjoy that you are… where you are… today”.  I’ll take that Jiminy Cricket response to my question.

I went from 2400 sq ft plus a two car garage, a 4800 sq ft auto repair shop to 454 sq ft of beautiful.  No fear, no one telling me what to do and two beautiful dogs that keep me on my toes and a job that keeps me loving my repeat customers and enjoying the trip of life.

I love my family more than anything in my world… and my friends… and this freedom of low cost, no debt, no expectations from others and my bulimia gone.  What a beautiful life.  May have taken 52 years to find this… but as Jiminy Cricket said in my head… “every day is a new day and never ask why… just enjoy that you are… where you are… today”.  🙂


Joan Rivers Bulimic? What a beautiful interview with her and Dr. Oz

I was amazed.  Joan Rivers at 74 saying she was bulimic 20 years ago.  That would make her 54.  And she said she loved it because it gave her control over something when joan-rivers-album-covereverything in her world seemed uncontrollable.  Wow.  How many can admit to that.  She also said she is no longer, but says she misses it.  I don’t.  I have to admit at 50 that working out and making sure I eat right is always something I think about, but lately it’s weird.  I ate a whole Big Mac the other day and it was okay.  I made fries last night and ate them and it was okay!  I have my odd cravings for “trigger” foods, but they don’t trigger anything anymore.  Sounds like Joan Rivers has come to this point too because her daughter said she puts whipping cream on everything and so too ketchup.  Is this freedom from the eating disorder?  I think it is.  I like the fact that I let myself even eat chocolate covered almonds again, but enjoy them rather than see them as a need to eat comfort and throw it up.  It’s a treat.  I can even eat just three and think… okay… enough.  I don’t feel like anymore. 🙂  Life is turning out to be quite fine.  I’m realizing that as long as I keep active, mentally and physically, and spiritually, all is good.  Do I have regrets for my past?  Not really.  At this point in my life I am just more concerned about uncertainties due to losing all material possessions and wondering at 50 where I’m going to go from here.  But when those feelings of uncertainty hit me, I think of happy thoughts.  Then I know that there are more of those to come.  So I started writing a movie script.  And it has to do with all the fun in life mixed with some strange things I went through.  No bulimia involved, just happy thoughts.  It’s my new food.  In the interim, I am 50 and need to learn to deal with the gravity that life is handing me.  I’m accepting it slowly but surely.  My only problem now is learning that my head is too small for my growing aging body.  But I’m sure in time, that too will be something I accept. 🙂

Posted on Anderson Cooper’s Facebook asking “What’s In Your Fridge?”

Well, here it is. I have been unemployed for 3.5 months, (after having to close my business and declare bankruptcy), unable to go on social assistance because my ex who is rich, but I forfeited any support from him after 3 years, put our children in Private School and our system sees that as “in kind support” which I don’t understand, seeing as it doesn’t help with my being able to care for them when they are with me. I can’t seem to find a job, possibly because I am too old? I’m 49. Anyway, so, I live in a small apartment, with two small fridges, and I have labelled what is in there. Most of it donated either by the foodbank or by my parents. But I manage to survive, albeit I have nothing left to sell to sustain myself next month (rent). I only hope something comes up! I’ve even applied to flip burgers and can’t even get that for a job. I also have no car, so public transportation has to be taken into account. Let’s see, what else? Oh yes, been losing sleep over a horrible toothache but can’t afford to go to the dentist. LOL… this is funny reading through again. One thing I can say – thank God for my dogs and my sense of humour. 🙂

In Between Being an Ex Bulimic and Chaos

So I’m telling you my story.  During the time of this story of MM I had been B-free for 7 months.  And here I stood in turmoil.  But I chose NOT to make this move me backwards.  Was it difficult?  Truth be known it wasn’t.  I didn’t want to.  I thought this was a good life lesson.  How would I deal with this mess that was escalating in my life without food?  I became thankful for food, for anything I had.  It really changed me.  I did without and when I got I was more grateful then I had ever been.  I quit drinking and lost 10 pounds.  But it wasn’t losing the weight, it was about why I lost the weight.  I eat healthy.  I’ve learned how to bake, cook, and take care of myself for the most part.  The system wont support me even if I paid all my employees before I paid myself during my entrepreneurial life.  I take care of others before me, including my pets.  They will eat before I do.   But I will not throw up what is a gift.  I will not deny what is a gift.  I will continue to smile and believe.  My M Miester is gone, I am with my animals, I am now spending time with my family, I am better.  My only wish now is for a job.  To give back unlike so many who use the system with the decision of staying on it.  That is NOT my life.  Not jealousy, no betrayal.  My animals, me and my little home and a job.  That’s all I ask for.  And I am proud that I have managed thus far without falling backwards… only moving forward with the belief that somewhere along the way, like my son said, I will “conquer the world”, understanding what he meant by that.  My son, my eldest son.  My sunshine and when I told him he was he asked me why?  He said he was never anyone’s sunshine.  How could he not see he was ALWAYS mine?  Now he knows.  But how did I not convey that in the 22 years he’s been alive?  He got me through two pregnancies in the absence of his father.  He was my rock.  He will always hold that special place in my heart.  I don’t know if he will ever understand.  But then again, my other two are my sunshine as well.  My daughter who stood by me and lived with me in my first years of my divorce and watched me cry.  My youngest son who came to visit me in the summers when I lived alone 2 hours away.  Each holds a candle to my heart.  Each hold a special place in my journey of life.  And how do they know what joy they gave me?  I only wish I could express it all in the right way.  Maybe some day they will find this post and know.