Knowledge of learning to love again

The ghost is me!! and Hampy

Of the three, the one in the middle I divorced happily… the two on either side are always in my heart!

You have the RIGHT to divorce a sister, even if it’s not on paper.  Words cannot explain the betrayal one feels of a sister versus a friend or a stranger.  I learned this.  And today I am fine with it knowing I made MY choice and not all the choices people around me were advising me of or telling me to do… forgive….

I know, forgiveness is what everyone preaches. I have to admit I don’t understand that word. The term “let go and let God”, I understand better, and to keep living my life around people I love. I know that sounds selfish, but in a positive way it truly is. I don’t want to be around an ex- s and ex-h who didn’t bring beauty to my life and in fact caused a lot of emotional chaos! I choose to spend it with the people who DO bring beauty in my life. I can’t say it’s not total unforgiveness. As I said, I’m not even sure of what forgiveness means. I know though that I have never been happier since I CHOSE to NOT have negative energy or people who send out negative emotions when around me… #FREEDOM… And to stop listening to people tell me I have to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t happen that way of which whatever they are thinking when they say it. You have to be your own person and define what all that is. To me? It’s what I wrote earlier. I do not know internally in my heart the definition of forgiveness, but I do know now the internal definition of living away from those who offend you and keeping a very positive force around you… I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

……

I have lately been learning about NLP.  Very interesting.  Neuro Linguistic Programming. The biggest lessons I have been learning is about the subconscious mind and how it will protect you.  It even protects emotions that you may suppress, until you are well enough for them to surface again to deal with.

Lately, there have been many of those suppressed feelings that have come forth, leading me to believe that I am ready for my subconscious to introduce to my conscious mind memories I chose to either forget or bury in my brain.

It’s freeing.  It’s wonderful, and overwhelming a bit, but my subconscious mind is giving me tid bits at a time.

I feel alive again.  I am feeling the love again, the reaching out.

I will say I am recluse for the most part, always enjoyed my solitude.  But it’s feeling different now.  It’s feeling like it’s more by choice then by reasons of the past.  Freeing.

Interesting Things You Find From Blogs Two Years Ago! Survey Results.

Two years ago I posted a survey.  It was called “Where you go when you’re gone“.  I just noticed 12 people responded to this.  Interesting results, because the one that had no votes, was the one I would have thought would!  Here are the results of the 12 responders:

Statistics

If you want to participate, just hit the link above that is in quotations.  I will post again the results if I get more people that respond. 🙂

This Is Simply A Post

This is just a post. A post of the choking feeling of pain watching my daughter drive away. Spent a lot of time with her this summer and our differences seemed to just vanish. Wonderful feeling until today when I knew I wouldn’t see her again for some time. Another loved one moving away from me. It’s exhausting and I can feel that horror of depression start whirling around in my soul like a vicious cycle. Pain. Pain mostly of love moving away. I wish I didn’t know the feeling. I wish I could be so unemotional that no love could penetrate as deeply as it has. Because other than my dogs all love I have felt I have lost. And each time it moves away it is like a death. I thank God for being there always and my dogs. Without Him and my dogs I would be lost. And likely back to my bulimia. But not anymore. I just let myself feel the choking, let the tears and sobbing happen alone in my small apartment with my dogs seemingly understanding because they jump up to cuddle with me. This is just a post. It may mean nothing to some out there, but this post is also a question. How does one protect oneself from the hurt of many loves lost while remaining open to continue to love? Simply a post.

Pain Inside vs Bulimia – Are you numbing yourself to what is important to feel?

Tonight I had a bad experience, almost and I mean very almost wanting to eat my emotions because they were so strong but I didn’t know what they were.  Then I went and stood in front of my mirror, realized my body looked great, and went back to my bed and said NO and then cried like a baby, feeling an extreme choking feeling in my throat.  I knew something was wrong emotionally and I needed to figure it out.  I cried then thought of my daughter and was worried horribly about her.  I texted her.  She said she was fine and I said I didn’t think so at all because I felt too much pain.

I had a wonderful evening with my family last night at my father’s 80ths birthday, my son’s were there and my Aunt and Uncle and my two cousins I hadn’t seen in 9 years.  All was beautiful, mom was awesome, my sisters were amazing.

So this why I was wondering why I was feeling I wanted to eat away something?  Which when I realized it was emotional eating and wanting to go and throw it up (which I know is an indication of something much more now and able to stop it in its track) I knew it was something serious.

I texted her again.  She finally admitted she wasn’t fine.  And I knew I wasn’t either not being there with her.  Not being able to deal with what she has been struggling through, not being able to see her at that family reunion.  She was the piece of my puzzle missing and I guess that emptiness, fear, hurt, and worry took over me today.

I’m proud to say I knew something bigger than my wanting to eat was affecting my life.  And I pin pointed it.

Was there a resolution? No.  A solution? Yes.  Stay strong, stay focused, and follow up the next day to make sure she is okay.

My mother’s instinct kicked in and not eating it and throwing it up made for a much stronger person in me. 

I’m 50.  I feel like I was 18 again trying to numb something I was feeling in this moment tonight that lasted one hour.  It was an hour of hell.  I don’t want to go back.  But at least I know now enough that it is signalling something much more than the want of food.  This time it was about my daughter.  And I’m proud to say that being able to feel this and get passed it knowing it IS A SIGNAL OF SOMETHING MORE THAN FOOD has been great.

Stand in the mirror, look at your body and realize this is not what this is about!!  It’s something bigger than that.

I love you baby.  Wish I had been able to know the signals earlier.  But now it’s about knowing them and moving forward and making sure I listen to my emotions, my attachment to you, my instincts to my attachment to my children and knowing how to read that.

Please, call me tomorrow.  I need to hear your voice.  Mom