I love Jesus. I used to pray to him every night when I was a child. Brought up Catholic, I had my Holy Bible (in French), my Rosary, my two candles on both sides of my kneeling area (never lit because I wasn’t allowed to deal with fire), and my book of prayers. I said my “Je vous salut Marie, pleine de grace”, and my “Notre Père Qui Est Aux Cieux” with my rosary that was blessed by the Pope. I wanted to be a nun. I lived in this world until I was 11 years old and moved back to Canada from Turkey and met boys. At this point my faith started waning. Slowly but surely there were too many questions, too many unanswered questions, too much in the bible that weren’t answered in the Catholic Church that I wanted answers for. Like, dreams. I had dreams that were premonitions, but the Catholic Church said that was impossible. Why not? Did Mary and Joseph not see in their dreams the words God wanted to tell them when Angels came down to talk to them in their dreams? Or what about Joseph?
I became disenfranchised. I lost all that I had until I had my second child at 31. Suddenly I realized all that I had asked for and prayed for in God’s name came to me. Some important, some not. But all of them were amazing gifts. But I lost my relationship with Jesus. God was always there, Jesus I couldn’t feel anymore.
Tonight I have an epiphany. Jesus, unlike God, is a brother, son of God. I know this sounds bizarre, but I have a wonderful earthly father who gives me glimpses of how God feels about me. But I never had a brother. I don’t know what that relationship is like. I still don’t, even if I have two sons and one daughter. I don’t understand the relationship between my sons and their sister because I have not been around them in their growing years. I have only seen what their childhood was like. Until they turned 13. And those years, and what I do hear while I’m listening to them, they still distance their sister from their lives because she is not like them. She is a female. So I guess, no matter what I will not learn what it it is like to have a brother.
My experience with my ex husband, who I tried to make not just my husband but my best friend, ended up business partners, an affair, and ended. My second longest relationship ended up with an affair as well, albeit we remain best friends. But neither could give me honesty, loyalty, friendship and love unconditionally. Or maybe one has. Maybe one has come above the call of duty when it came to me looking at him when my guard is down he brings it up as a brother, a friend, a loyal person who is there. Or is it because my guard is down and he knows my vulnerabilities? And it makes him feel sorry for me? Or is it because he feels he owes me when his guard was down and I took care of him in his vulnerabilities? I chose to because I wanted to and I did care for him unconditionally. Not something you can teach anyone. But unlike my earthly father, this man still lies too, although I’m trying to teach him that I know when he lies and to stop. He’s learning. Slow process, too afraid to hurt, but lies found out are more hurtful than truth.
Jesus was an honest “man”, son of God, loved all unconditionally. I suppose my sons love their sister the same way. She’s lucky to have brothers but she moved away from faith and love of God, yet she has a key I will never have. My earthly father gave me to key to God. All I would love is even a surrogate brother to give me the key to Jesus. One that loves me unconditionally, doesn’t lie to me, is honest, true and a best friend.
Wait. I do have one. How dare I forget? Only thing is he doesn’t believe. But he is all that I described. Honest, true, best friend and doesn’t lie to me. He is like my big brother. He loves me unconditionally and believes in me and understands me no matter what.
This is a lesson. when you really search for that person, look no further then the person you hear from most every day, who wonders where you are if you haven’t written something in a day on a blog, or an email. A person who’s heart is, even if he doesn’t know it, a reflection of my faith that a brother does exist in my life. Big brother, wise, true, kind, and sometimes stubborn and too smart. LOL.
I wrote this tonight because I knew the ending to this story. But I wanted to make sure there was an intro to it all.
To my earthly father, my earthly big brother who I love both dearly. Thank you for making me know what truth, love, faith and hope are about. With love being the most important of all.