There Is Never Enough Time

I heard this song and I realized that a big part of my life was lost to my bulimia, and to my self-centeredness and selfishness.  I didn’t realize I was any of those, buried in my addiction.  At the same time, looking back, I realized how lost I was through those years.  I never really knew who I was once my bulimia started.  I remember my mother telling me that I was not the Laurie she used to know.  She was indeed right.  I was not altogether gone, but a big part of that younger Laurie was – lost in the confusion of what it was that had taken over my life, and at times had sabotaged what could have been the most beautiful time in my life.

I won’t say that all was lost.  I did have some great times with my children.  Unfortunately, sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind me that I did have those.

I know I lost their teenage years to their father.  In hindsight, this was likely a good thing.  I try to resolve with myself if that was selfish of me to not fight the mammoth harder to have more time with them, but in the end, the fight to do so would have most likely just applied more scars to what already was a nightmare of a divorce and ending of a family unit.

Today I am very happy and I have forgiven myself for many things.  I do believe, however, the hardest one is the questions of parenting.  But I have to let those go.  My sons and daughter have advise me to do so, and to stop being sorry for what might have been.  So it is my duty to myself and them to move forward as I am doing, and enjoy every moment I have with them, however brief and few now that they are all young adults.

I end this with the song I was listening to that does make you think…. and realize it is so important to embrace the time we have with family and friends and even more so, with self.  For when the times alone are ones that you cherish, it makes it all the more magical to share the love you have for yourself with others you love.

 

Another Great Year

Seems like yesterday I posted about turning 51. Time sure passes quickly. And what a different place I am from where I was back then. It’s like night and day. Great job, a vehicle, a beautiful little apartment on the pond and a visiting daughter. Had a wonderful birthday weekend with family too and rode on the rides at the fair for the first time in years.

I know I am not doing what I truly love yet but I am at least feeling inspired to pursue that, unlike 5 years ago when my world fell apart and I lost all material possessions. It has indeed made for a journey back up from the slumps but great support helped me do just that. And a journey that has been free of bulimia.

It truly has been a great year!

Lot To Learn and yes

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I love compasses.  When I was a child I learned how to use one. My most treasured possession is my grandfather’s compass that he gave me.  It was a time when everyone cool got on the cross country ski team.  I was forced as end person on the snow shoe team.  Best ever kick out I ever had.  Although perceived as a geek because I was thrown into the snow country on shoes I got to love country and terrain in the true sport of it all, not to mention survival.  Instead of them making me a geek and making fun of me, I made myself a survivor.  Today I love being the geek and all of the others not truly understanding simplicity of self acceptance and just simplicity of living.  My compass points simple.  First to self, and then north south east and west to the ones I love.  It isn’t that I didn’t fall pray to the expectations of non geek … but I’m back! Survival and all… and without the baggage of those that judge.

Becoming Who I am

Never have I seen a post so beautiful as this.  I could not ever say this more beautifully.  I have gone through life wondering how to explain what I feel.  This is it.  This is what it has been becoming who I am.  Becoming me.

becoming

I love friends

It’s been a strange world lately.  Like the stars are misaligned.   Still okay though.  I don’t run to the cupboard or the fridge for solace on this time of frustration and I don’t knows.  New bosses, new colleagues, major firings and not knowing if you are the next on that revolving door list.  My solace is with my dogs, but they must be feeling my stress when it kicks in, because for the first time in two months when I first moved into my new place, baby has been messing daily.  She never did before.  And my car is blowing out gas like there is no tomorrow… so kind of like me.. lol.  Stress bloats and gas.

I miss my blogging.  I have been so busy trying to save my job that I forgot that this place is .. yes.. solace.  Always brought me piece even when I was in the most stressful moments of my life.

I really wish I could share more about my disarray, but if I linked it to any site I would be found out.  I tend not to like that.  I like my followers to find me, but not the people I don’t want to have follow me.  Does this make sense?

Conundrum, frustration, uneasiness in my stomach, but through this, I reached out.. not with food!! But with phone calls to my new front end people.  I have friend who equally wants to share her stories.  They are more about women getting out of the trenches.  She doesn’t like the front line idea.  I do.  I fight front line everyday.  She said that is negative and that we can come to just working smart not fighting.  I agree to disagree.  My lifestyle as a recovered bulimic is one where I have to be at the front line but with a white flag.  Surrender, but do it with pride and dignity.  Front line, I deal with customers.  They are always right so to speak.  When not, and in my head, I just wave the flag and discuss the issue.  I am front line.  I am customer service.  I will love my customers, and even those who cause my blood pressure to rise because they have to involve upper management.  I am a survivor. And in fairness… so many of my customers to me are gold for those 2% that may not be.  It is why I wake up to see them every day.  In this revolving door, I don’t want the exit.

I know what it feels like to fight defeat.  I AM A RECOVERED BULIMIC.  WE KNOW THE FIGHT.  MORE SO THAN ANY NORMAL PERSON.

Amazing, and God sent lesson.

Recover and you will know what true recovery feels like.  Beautiful.  And it’s never too early (better plan)  but better yet to know… never too late!!

 

Three Blind Dates

I had three blind dates and love them all until death do me part. Maybe that is what I was wrong about. Thought the love at first site 34 years ago today (September 26th) would remain a part of that.  But hey. … three out of four can’t complain. Odds for me not against me.

Mybabies

Hey Bartender!

Okay, I love this song.  Seriously love this song.  It’s about letting go.  I wouldn’t advocate a bartender, but I do love the rhythm, which is what I dance to, and well, it’s a song that would maybe hit me when I was younger when I could dress up and go out.  Now I just dance to it at home with my dogs.  They actually dance on their two back legs and seriously dance up a storm.  It makes me laugh and move on from anything that may at one point in my life had made me sad or frustrated and instead makes me laugh… moving on… letting go… like letting go of bulimia.. bad relationships… and learning to love me again.  You really don’t need a bartender… but dancing?  definitely!!  Need to dance. 🙂