6 Years and 28 Days

dryfeb28days

So I did it.  I made it through my 28 days to raise money for cancer without a drop of alcohol.  It wasn’t that hard.  In fact, I am quite happy to say that today, March 5th, I am still not drinking, and really don’t see a purpose in doing so.

Last night was my first “social” outing since my “dry” month and everyone was, as to be expected, drinking.  I didn’t and really didn’t feel left out what so ever.  We went axe throwing, which was quite therapeutic after a difficult day with some trying customers.

I am now trying to figure out another “month” of abstinence for something else.  I am considering television.  I would say my cellphone, but it is  my only mode of communication and a tool for work as well.  So I am going to try the abstinence of the TV for a month.

What I learned during my dry month was that it was incredibly freeing.  Small things you wouldn’t usually consider would come to mind.  Like the evening I thought of going to buy shower curtains to cover my couch so that my cats don’t mess on it and ruin it.  It was 7 p.m.  On a normal night, I would have had my glass of wine with dinner, and my following “relaxation” glass.  So there was no driving.  This particular night I sat and thought “I’ll pick that up tomorrow”, followed by a tiny voice saying “you can do that now!!”  And I realized that what once imprisoned me in  my own home for going drivable distances was removed and I was free to go anywhere at any time.

Small things.

My desire to go out “for a drink and snack” were completely curbed.  I saved on dining out, but spent more on groceries, because I am enjoying cooking again and eating healthy.  My budget for the wine, however, hasn’t changed much, as I am enjoying my non-alcoholic wine, and that is not cheap.  Strange though.  If they are so encouraging sobriety, you would think they would sell these beverages at a reasonable price.  Having said that, my MADD wine is also a donation towards the (Mad) Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.

My energy level is so much higher, I can’t even sleep in in the morning.  I have to be up and about doing things I enjoy, and I even got a gym membership and have being going, although not on a set schedule, a very regular basis.  When not there, I do a small work out from home, just because I am enjoying it.

Work seems to be much more enjoyable as well.  I have always liked my job, as it is active and it is about helping people, but lately I am liking it even more.  Some of that excitement also comes from books I have been reading that are opening up my eyes to a new way of thinking.

Life is exciting me more these days.  Maybe it’s time to pull out my paint set again.  I have already been playing around with new sketches of my cartoon character, who has laid dormant for a few years.

Here is to new beginnings, thanks to my niece who asked me to join in on the fundraiser.  Who knew it would have this impact on me?

Just a note:  The campaign is going on until the end of March in donation collections.  If  anyone would like to donate to this cause, you can do so by clicking on this link.  I was amazed to find out that just over 2000 people participated and they raised $120,000.  I am at $25 (my own donation) at this time.  I am okay with that too.  It was worth every penny. 🙂  DryFeb Cancer Fundraising Donations Link

Stop Talking About Her!

Sister Cheating With Husband

 

16 years ago or so my sister had an affair with my husband.  True fact. My parents, as I would expect them to, forgave her. So did I but I choose not to be around that freak of nature that also destroyed, in my watch, three other marriages and has been constantly unfaithful to her husband. This my parents don’t know.

It behooves me how my mother is always telling me how wonderful she is. I don’t want to hear about her. I want to close that chapter of my book. She and my now ex-husband, destroyed two families and yet it appears to me my mother is completely either in denial or does this to hurt me.

How do you tell a mother to shut the funk up and that you don’t want to hear about the devil in Prada ??

My parents are in their 80’s. Dad just had a major stroke.  I can’t upset my mother by telling her how I feel, because likely she will tell dad and dad is just not in that zone.  He just wants to focus on getting better.

That Devil also took away the dog I loved that Dad said he would care for when I lost everything and didn’t have a place to keep him.  My Yeller.  Now her husband.. yes he stayed with her through this because he is madly in love with her… smiled and said he turned my dog into a needy one that won’t leave him alone.

Oh my… no wonder they are together.  But better yet, he tells me he sleeps with the dog without my sister.

Twisted.

I don’t know how to cut this tie.  If I refuse to show up to all the family events, my parents get upset.  But if I do show up I feel ill.  I don’t hate my sister.  That is too much of an emotion.  I just don’t want to be around someone who is toxic and has caused my children to bring up the pain of a marriage that died over a sister and father who had no desire to understand the final consequences of their actions.

I understand my parents still loving her.  She is their daughter.  But I don’t feel it is fair that I am expected to love her and hang around with her.  And I don’t think it’s fair that I can no longer be honest about my true feelings… that I so prefer to keep her away from me.  I want those who I trust and love and do same  back around me.  I spent years as a bulimic eating the mean ones up and throwing them up.  Bullies, mean people, controlling people.

Proud to say that I am not doing that… but yet… there are other things that may bring me to wonder… why… I do what I do.

Bullying doesn’t stop at any age

stopbullying

I am so devastated.  This past month the bullying I have experienced led me to cry.  No not eat and throw up like I would have in my past, but cry.  I felt helpless.  I felt disgusted.  I am 54 and should be strong enough to say STOP! But instead each time I walked away and cried.

Okay it’s not all that bad.  I had two of four tenants run up against me for such stupid issues all I could think about was “are you that sad in your life that you have to come together and belittle a woman?”. I am not well.  I have a really bad cold and my patience is null when I am not well.   So I welled at them that I am tired and fed up with them and to leave me alone.  Pursuant to that I knocked on my landlord’s door and asked her to stop them from being such bullies.  One of the things they bullied me about was so lame.  Locking the shed door.  Funny thing is it wasn’t me it was the landlord.  And asking me why I put stuff in there??? well the landlord and her husband were furious because that is shared space and they are not the boss of it.  It made me feel better that they were going to address it, but it was bullying and it was shameful on their part.

Then there was at work when they have a meeting in the back and two of us do not attend.  I was stymied when they put me in the middle of the circle while I was trying to get their attention that I needed their support and told me what I needed to correct.  It was so insulting!! I didn’t reply and moved out of the circle.  One thing to put someone in the circle to give them accolades, another to put them down!

Then a dog I was walking with my other dog, while I was watching mine go to the bathroom, tugged me and I looked around and was spooked by a runner running by us.  Then she yells out the dog nipped her.  I thought “I would have too if you had caught me a moment earlier!”. Now I am spooked even more because these people, even if you ask are you alright, then when they stop ahead yell again “are you alright” just keep moving forward, then come by to your landlord.  I know this… it is another way of bullying.  Pay me for the dog that I ran up behind on a short leash, but with no understanding that that would spook anyone let alone a dog and now settle.  Another way of bullying someone.

I have lived most of my life around bullies.  I was bulimic for a big reason for that.  No more, but now I realize I have to find a way to fight back in a good way against these people who think their plight in life is to bully others because they have nothing better to do.

I am upset, but today, almost 6 years after the last time I threw up I can say, I know these people don’t deserve me hurting myself over them, but instead, I will find a way to defend myself against them.  I just have to figure out how.

Inside Out

It was shocking to me that a simple sentence would have my daughter come up to me and hug me while saying “I am so happy to hear that!” When all I said impromptu was that I really liked myself and the way I looked except I could work on my belly. I laughed and said I could make a baby butt out if it. The hug was sincere and she told me how happy she was to hear me say that.

My daughter is not a stranger to my years of bulimia. I didn’t want her to be. And I have been as honest as a bulimic could be when I was one to both my sons and my daughter of how it affected my life to the point where when my daughter was I think 12, wrote an essay about eating disorders and referenced me with my consent.

She sees me now. Accepting of myself and who I am. And she came back to stay with me for a short time but I am elated. I am learning so much of now where I am where I too can go like she is doing in a month. But I am taking baby steps. She is inspiring me to do so to the next step up… Whatever that step may be.

I am embracing this time with my daughter like some angel in heaven decided it was time my Karma was over… 🙂 but more so …

9 years ago my daughter left me after being the only one who chose to stay with me after my divorce. I held that precious but losing her in a not so good situation broke my heart. Happy thoughts today.. Like a female Peter Pan (although often played by a female in theatre lol) thought is that this is now full circle to a better good bye when she spreads her wings next month to explore… This time it will be a happy departure with knowing a mother’s love never dies… And nor too that of a daughter’s to a mother who is elated to see her and more so feel her back in her life.

So when she hugged me… I realized I made it. I was good most of all from the inside out rather than the outside in… Where I was at one time …. and happier ever in life to not be there anymore.

 

I Won The Lottery!

I am on a cloud right now.  I can feel, and I can be ecstatic about life.  Not buried in what used to be the need to find solace in food.  As previously noted, I feel free, but I am thinking even beyond those boundaries of what I wrote about.

Tonight I came home and my daughter is temporarily staying with me.  I can’t even tell you how elated I am coming home to family.  It’s been quite some time.  She told me she missed my hugs and cuddles.  She left me when she was 13 to go back to her father and came back two days ago at 22 to say she loved me and missed me.  You cannot even imagine the absolute wonder I felt.  I know there is a biblical story about the sons that stayed with their father, but the elation the father had when the wayward one came back.  It definitely does not mean that you love the sons that stayed by your side any less, it just means you feel your lost sheep has come back to the fold.

My sons are amazing.  They have supported me through my life.  One had stepped away as well for a while but is back.  I had an amazing time with them at the Blue Jays game 14 years after the last time I was with them at one.  This one made me feel special and young and I had an amazing time!!

But here is the thing.  My daughter is a middle child.  My boys did not have to live with me when I was at my lowest.  My daughter chose to.  And today lying next to her is special because when we hug and I hold her in my arms, I am 13 years forward.  I am not bulimic, I have accepted the divorce, and all I know is, and I told her: We all wonder what our purpose on life is.  Mine was to be a mother to them.  I was not perfect, but my love for them always unconditional.  But what is more amazing is that since I have no bulimia in my way, my heart is bigger and bolder and filled with love and understanding.

My daughter in the past three days has been the biggest eye opener to me.  I realized that marathoning Netflix shows is so much more useless then spending time with your children.  I have watched one show only.  Suits.  Sorry.  A bit addicted to that one, but other than that the TV has been off, and we walk and talk and I now write again.  And I go to bed early rather than stupid hours of the night.

I know this is a temporary arrangement, but I will treasure it while I have it.  And she is smart, and funny and I learn from her.  Maybe more than she of me.

And here is my most wonderful part of this.  I am going to see my youngest son to celebrate his 21st birthday on Sunday.  She will be his surprise present.  Along with his Aunt, my sister who we too this weekend have made amends after a few years and planning fun future stuff.

And then Dad who is really doing well after a severe stroke.  And mom’s patience and I saw them too this weekend.

And my ex boyfriend and best friend came in to say hi to me at work….

Someone told me to get a lottery ticket with all this wonder happening.

I don’t need to.  I already won the lottery.

Feeling Comfortable In My Own Skin

I can’t believe it’s been since January that I last blogged.  I since passed my 5 year clean on February 11th and didn’t even blog to celebrate!! I feel like I have come a long way.  I know they say that once a bulimic, always a bulimic, but this is not true.  I have not desire whatsoever to return to that life and am sorry some days for the young me to have endured such a journey.  But in the end it makes me today all the more grateful for my freedom.  And freedom not only from my eating disorder but from so many things in general.  I have a tiny apartment on a beautiful pond, so my possessions are few which is freeing.  I am loving my job which is active and the people there are non-judgmental and wonderful.

I have to say I am even more pleased that I know without a doubt I am recovered.  In May a best friend of mine passed on.  We were together every day for the past year and it was so surreal to not get his texts or his phone calls anymore or to look across the street at his condo and no lights to be seen.  It was an empty place.  At the same time my father that a mild stroke.  July came and dad had another stroke.  This time it was severe.  I am thankful that he is home now and mobile, but his speech is giving him a hard time.  He is completely aware and his memory is perfect, but he can’t find words to express himself.  If anyone knows my dad, that has to be one of the most difficult things for him.  I am so grateful dad is still with us and working hard to pull through this.

So life is good in the present!!