There Is Never Enough Time

I heard this song and I realized that a big part of my life was lost to my bulimia, and to my self-centeredness and selfishness.  I didn’t realize I was any of those, buried in my addiction.  At the same time, looking back, I realized how lost I was through those years.  I never really knew who I was once my bulimia started.  I remember my mother telling me that I was not the Laurie she used to know.  She was indeed right.  I was not altogether gone, but a big part of that younger Laurie was – lost in the confusion of what it was that had taken over my life, and at times had sabotaged what could have been the most beautiful time in my life.

I won’t say that all was lost.  I did have some great times with my children.  Unfortunately, sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind me that I did have those.

I know I lost their teenage years to their father.  In hindsight, this was likely a good thing.  I try to resolve with myself if that was selfish of me to not fight the mammoth harder to have more time with them, but in the end, the fight to do so would have most likely just applied more scars to what already was a nightmare of a divorce and ending of a family unit.

Today I am very happy and I have forgiven myself for many things.  I do believe, however, the hardest one is the questions of parenting.  But I have to let those go.  My sons and daughter have advise me to do so, and to stop being sorry for what might have been.  So it is my duty to myself and them to move forward as I am doing, and enjoy every moment I have with them, however brief and few now that they are all young adults.

I end this with the song I was listening to that does make you think…. and realize it is so important to embrace the time we have with family and friends and even more so, with self.  For when the times alone are ones that you cherish, it makes it all the more magical to share the love you have for yourself with others you love.

 

6 Years and 28 Days

dryfeb28days

So I did it.  I made it through my 28 days to raise money for cancer without a drop of alcohol.  It wasn’t that hard.  In fact, I am quite happy to say that today, March 5th, I am still not drinking, and really don’t see a purpose in doing so.

Last night was my first “social” outing since my “dry” month and everyone was, as to be expected, drinking.  I didn’t and really didn’t feel left out what so ever.  We went axe throwing, which was quite therapeutic after a difficult day with some trying customers.

I am now trying to figure out another “month” of abstinence for something else.  I am considering television.  I would say my cellphone, but it is  my only mode of communication and a tool for work as well.  So I am going to try the abstinence of the TV for a month.

What I learned during my dry month was that it was incredibly freeing.  Small things you wouldn’t usually consider would come to mind.  Like the evening I thought of going to buy shower curtains to cover my couch so that my cats don’t mess on it and ruin it.  It was 7 p.m.  On a normal night, I would have had my glass of wine with dinner, and my following “relaxation” glass.  So there was no driving.  This particular night I sat and thought “I’ll pick that up tomorrow”, followed by a tiny voice saying “you can do that now!!”  And I realized that what once imprisoned me in  my own home for going drivable distances was removed and I was free to go anywhere at any time.

Small things.

My desire to go out “for a drink and snack” were completely curbed.  I saved on dining out, but spent more on groceries, because I am enjoying cooking again and eating healthy.  My budget for the wine, however, hasn’t changed much, as I am enjoying my non-alcoholic wine, and that is not cheap.  Strange though.  If they are so encouraging sobriety, you would think they would sell these beverages at a reasonable price.  Having said that, my MADD wine is also a donation towards the (Mad) Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.

My energy level is so much higher, I can’t even sleep in in the morning.  I have to be up and about doing things I enjoy, and I even got a gym membership and have being going, although not on a set schedule, a very regular basis.  When not there, I do a small work out from home, just because I am enjoying it.

Work seems to be much more enjoyable as well.  I have always liked my job, as it is active and it is about helping people, but lately I am liking it even more.  Some of that excitement also comes from books I have been reading that are opening up my eyes to a new way of thinking.

Life is exciting me more these days.  Maybe it’s time to pull out my paint set again.  I have already been playing around with new sketches of my cartoon character, who has laid dormant for a few years.

Here is to new beginnings, thanks to my niece who asked me to join in on the fundraiser.  Who knew it would have this impact on me?

Just a note:  The campaign is going on until the end of March in donation collections.  If  anyone would like to donate to this cause, you can do so by clicking on this link.  I was amazed to find out that just over 2000 people participated and they raised $120,000.  I am at $25 (my own donation) at this time.  I am okay with that too.  It was worth every penny. 🙂  DryFeb Cancer Fundraising Donations Link

Inside Out

It was shocking to me that a simple sentence would have my daughter come up to me and hug me while saying “I am so happy to hear that!” When all I said impromptu was that I really liked myself and the way I looked except I could work on my belly. I laughed and said I could make a baby butt out if it. The hug was sincere and she told me how happy she was to hear me say that.

My daughter is not a stranger to my years of bulimia. I didn’t want her to be. And I have been as honest as a bulimic could be when I was one to both my sons and my daughter of how it affected my life to the point where when my daughter was I think 12, wrote an essay about eating disorders and referenced me with my consent.

She sees me now. Accepting of myself and who I am. And she came back to stay with me for a short time but I am elated. I am learning so much of now where I am where I too can go like she is doing in a month. But I am taking baby steps. She is inspiring me to do so to the next step up… Whatever that step may be.

I am embracing this time with my daughter like some angel in heaven decided it was time my Karma was over… 🙂 but more so …

9 years ago my daughter left me after being the only one who chose to stay with me after my divorce. I held that precious but losing her in a not so good situation broke my heart. Happy thoughts today.. Like a female Peter Pan (although often played by a female in theatre lol) thought is that this is now full circle to a better good bye when she spreads her wings next month to explore… This time it will be a happy departure with knowing a mother’s love never dies… And nor too that of a daughter’s to a mother who is elated to see her and more so feel her back in her life.

So when she hugged me… I realized I made it. I was good most of all from the inside out rather than the outside in… Where I was at one time …. and happier ever in life to not be there anymore.

 

I Won The Lottery!

I am on a cloud right now.  I can feel, and I can be ecstatic about life.  Not buried in what used to be the need to find solace in food.  As previously noted, I feel free, but I am thinking even beyond those boundaries of what I wrote about.

Tonight I came home and my daughter is temporarily staying with me.  I can’t even tell you how elated I am coming home to family.  It’s been quite some time.  She told me she missed my hugs and cuddles.  She left me when she was 13 to go back to her father and came back two days ago at 22 to say she loved me and missed me.  You cannot even imagine the absolute wonder I felt.  I know there is a biblical story about the sons that stayed with their father, but the elation the father had when the wayward one came back.  It definitely does not mean that you love the sons that stayed by your side any less, it just means you feel your lost sheep has come back to the fold.

My sons are amazing.  They have supported me through my life.  One had stepped away as well for a while but is back.  I had an amazing time with them at the Blue Jays game 14 years after the last time I was with them at one.  This one made me feel special and young and I had an amazing time!!

But here is the thing.  My daughter is a middle child.  My boys did not have to live with me when I was at my lowest.  My daughter chose to.  And today lying next to her is special because when we hug and I hold her in my arms, I am 13 years forward.  I am not bulimic, I have accepted the divorce, and all I know is, and I told her: We all wonder what our purpose on life is.  Mine was to be a mother to them.  I was not perfect, but my love for them always unconditional.  But what is more amazing is that since I have no bulimia in my way, my heart is bigger and bolder and filled with love and understanding.

My daughter in the past three days has been the biggest eye opener to me.  I realized that marathoning Netflix shows is so much more useless then spending time with your children.  I have watched one show only.  Suits.  Sorry.  A bit addicted to that one, but other than that the TV has been off, and we walk and talk and I now write again.  And I go to bed early rather than stupid hours of the night.

I know this is a temporary arrangement, but I will treasure it while I have it.  And she is smart, and funny and I learn from her.  Maybe more than she of me.

And here is my most wonderful part of this.  I am going to see my youngest son to celebrate his 21st birthday on Sunday.  She will be his surprise present.  Along with his Aunt, my sister who we too this weekend have made amends after a few years and planning fun future stuff.

And then Dad who is really doing well after a severe stroke.  And mom’s patience and I saw them too this weekend.

And my ex boyfriend and best friend came in to say hi to me at work….

Someone told me to get a lottery ticket with all this wonder happening.

I don’t need to.  I already won the lottery.

What Were We Thinking. So Unfair. Stop the stupid!

image

The beginning of an eating disorder is when a friend tells you you are fat.  It is not there yet, because you are too young to understand the devastation of someone, and me it was my best friend, telling you “really, you weigh that much? you are fat”.

But really it was the adults who put us on a scale in front of everyone.  And in my case is was Nuns!

I wish I had a friend to tell me to shed my socks and smile while being the same weight.  Maybe things might have been different.  Saying… is. … stop our children from finding out so young that they can be bullied about their weight.  And this?  was 45 years ago when I went through this.  And we say it’s a new thing?  NO.  It has existed for years.  But maybe Karen Carpenter was the first in 1980 to give us a glimpse of what was to come and still is.  Break the chain……

I love friends

It’s been a strange world lately.  Like the stars are misaligned.   Still okay though.  I don’t run to the cupboard or the fridge for solace on this time of frustration and I don’t knows.  New bosses, new colleagues, major firings and not knowing if you are the next on that revolving door list.  My solace is with my dogs, but they must be feeling my stress when it kicks in, because for the first time in two months when I first moved into my new place, baby has been messing daily.  She never did before.  And my car is blowing out gas like there is no tomorrow… so kind of like me.. lol.  Stress bloats and gas.

I miss my blogging.  I have been so busy trying to save my job that I forgot that this place is .. yes.. solace.  Always brought me piece even when I was in the most stressful moments of my life.

I really wish I could share more about my disarray, but if I linked it to any site I would be found out.  I tend not to like that.  I like my followers to find me, but not the people I don’t want to have follow me.  Does this make sense?

Conundrum, frustration, uneasiness in my stomach, but through this, I reached out.. not with food!! But with phone calls to my new front end people.  I have friend who equally wants to share her stories.  They are more about women getting out of the trenches.  She doesn’t like the front line idea.  I do.  I fight front line everyday.  She said that is negative and that we can come to just working smart not fighting.  I agree to disagree.  My lifestyle as a recovered bulimic is one where I have to be at the front line but with a white flag.  Surrender, but do it with pride and dignity.  Front line, I deal with customers.  They are always right so to speak.  When not, and in my head, I just wave the flag and discuss the issue.  I am front line.  I am customer service.  I will love my customers, and even those who cause my blood pressure to rise because they have to involve upper management.  I am a survivor. And in fairness… so many of my customers to me are gold for those 2% that may not be.  It is why I wake up to see them every day.  In this revolving door, I don’t want the exit.

I know what it feels like to fight defeat.  I AM A RECOVERED BULIMIC.  WE KNOW THE FIGHT.  MORE SO THAN ANY NORMAL PERSON.

Amazing, and God sent lesson.

Recover and you will know what true recovery feels like.  Beautiful.  And it’s never too early (better plan)  but better yet to know… never too late!!

 

Do you live in a box? Love this song. I know I don’t anymore. I live life!!

I used to live I a box. Not anymore.  Colours, live, new beginnings not about stuff about life now. Stuff. Not worth a darn…  no hoarding.  I will live in a tiny house but not a box anymore. 🙂 Big difference.  A big house can be a prison and a small home freedom. ;0 Life is so much better with love, support, and family and friends and animals who love you than stuff…..