I remember when I was younger walking down the aisle of my Junior High School. One girl named Cheryl would stand being Debbie and let me tell you! They scared the Hell out of me. Cheryl was not a person you would want to contend with. Debbie was about a foot shorter, and she was someone that you SERIOUSLY did not want to contend with. Cheryl, I believe, was Debbie’s increased percentage of intimidation and ability to continue, what we call today, as bullying. I’m not sure, you be the judge. My mom would not let me wear jeans like all the other kids. I wore clothes mom made. Nice clothes. I liked them. But they were not anything like all the other kids wore.
In as such, I was threatened to be beaten up for being a fairy.
In hindsight, which we all know is known to be 20/20, I should have taken that as a compliment. I do now, but again 20/20. I wish had a better witt back then. I would have asked “who, in any right mind, would want to beat up a fairy???”
Today I can laugh about those two years of Junior High going through this every day. And I can smile more so remembering when the Vice Principle, upon my graduation, said he would miss me walking the halls always so beautifully dressed.
Reality check!! Looking back on that I believed him but as I got older, I thought it may have been a ploy to deviate my frustration and make me feel good. It worked.
I never bullied back. I think I am the opposite. Having been bullied, so to speak, I feel solace in hidding.
Lately I reconnected with my beautiful daughter.
Why does this match with this email? because she too was bullied about her weight as a child and never externatalized it to me. So much we miss when we are so focussed on the bully rather then people we love and care for, particular our self.
I am so devastated. This past month the bullying I have experienced led me to cry. No not eat and throw up like I would have in my past, but cry. I felt helpless. I felt disgusted. I am 54 and should be strong enough to say STOP! But instead each time I walked away and cried.
Okay it’s not all that bad. I had two of four tenants run up against me for such stupid issues all I could think about was “are you that sad in your life that you have to come together and belittle a woman?”. I am not well. I have a really bad cold and my patience is null when I am not well. So I welled at them that I am tired and fed up with them and to leave me alone. Pursuant to that I knocked on my landlord’s door and asked her to stop them from being such bullies. One of the things they bullied me about was so lame. Locking the shed door. Funny thing is it wasn’t me it was the landlord. And asking me why I put stuff in there??? well the landlord and her husband were furious because that is shared space and they are not the boss of it. It made me feel better that they were going to address it, but it was bullying and it was shameful on their part.
Then there was at work when they have a meeting in the back and two of us do not attend. I was stymied when they put me in the middle of the circle while I was trying to get their attention that I needed their support and told me what I needed to correct. It was so insulting!! I didn’t reply and moved out of the circle. One thing to put someone in the circle to give them accolades, another to put them down!
Then a dog I was walking with my other dog, while I was watching mine go to the bathroom, tugged me and I looked around and was spooked by a runner running by us. Then she yells out the dog nipped her. I thought “I would have too if you had caught me a moment earlier!”. Now I am spooked even more because these people, even if you ask are you alright, then when they stop ahead yell again “are you alright” just keep moving forward, then come by to your landlord. I know this… it is another way of bullying. Pay me for the dog that I ran up behind on a short leash, but with no understanding that that would spook anyone let alone a dog and now settle. Another way of bullying someone.
I have lived most of my life around bullies. I was bulimic for a big reason for that. No more, but now I realize I have to find a way to fight back in a good way against these people who think their plight in life is to bully others because they have nothing better to do.
I am upset, but today, almost 6 years after the last time I threw up I can say, I know these people don’t deserve me hurting myself over them, but instead, I will find a way to defend myself against them. I just have to figure out how.
COMPELLING. I never wore much make up and was who I was. Still went through stuff. And still do. But I learned that the older I get I actually feel younger than those in their teens and up to thirty somethings. Maybe that feeling comes with wisdom. Only you can love yourself to the bottom of your heart and all you have gone through. No one but you can share that but with you. So be nice to yourself and keep your truest friends close. Anyone else who doesn’t love you like you love yourself and the journey you are going through… delete from your life. There is only one you.