There Is Never Enough Time

I heard this song and I realized that a big part of my life was lost to my bulimia, and to my self-centeredness and selfishness.  I didn’t realize I was any of those, buried in my addiction.  At the same time, looking back, I realized how lost I was through those years.  I never really knew who I was once my bulimia started.  I remember my mother telling me that I was not the Laurie she used to know.  She was indeed right.  I was not altogether gone, but a big part of that younger Laurie was – lost in the confusion of what it was that had taken over my life, and at times had sabotaged what could have been the most beautiful time in my life.

I won’t say that all was lost.  I did have some great times with my children.  Unfortunately, sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind me that I did have those.

I know I lost their teenage years to their father.  In hindsight, this was likely a good thing.  I try to resolve with myself if that was selfish of me to not fight the mammoth harder to have more time with them, but in the end, the fight to do so would have most likely just applied more scars to what already was a nightmare of a divorce and ending of a family unit.

Today I am very happy and I have forgiven myself for many things.  I do believe, however, the hardest one is the questions of parenting.  But I have to let those go.  My sons and daughter have advise me to do so, and to stop being sorry for what might have been.  So it is my duty to myself and them to move forward as I am doing, and enjoy every moment I have with them, however brief and few now that they are all young adults.

I end this with the song I was listening to that does make you think…. and realize it is so important to embrace the time we have with family and friends and even more so, with self.  For when the times alone are ones that you cherish, it makes it all the more magical to share the love you have for yourself with others you love.

 

6 Years and 28 Days

dryfeb28days

So I did it.  I made it through my 28 days to raise money for cancer without a drop of alcohol.  It wasn’t that hard.  In fact, I am quite happy to say that today, March 5th, I am still not drinking, and really don’t see a purpose in doing so.

Last night was my first “social” outing since my “dry” month and everyone was, as to be expected, drinking.  I didn’t and really didn’t feel left out what so ever.  We went axe throwing, which was quite therapeutic after a difficult day with some trying customers.

I am now trying to figure out another “month” of abstinence for something else.  I am considering television.  I would say my cellphone, but it is  my only mode of communication and a tool for work as well.  So I am going to try the abstinence of the TV for a month.

What I learned during my dry month was that it was incredibly freeing.  Small things you wouldn’t usually consider would come to mind.  Like the evening I thought of going to buy shower curtains to cover my couch so that my cats don’t mess on it and ruin it.  It was 7 p.m.  On a normal night, I would have had my glass of wine with dinner, and my following “relaxation” glass.  So there was no driving.  This particular night I sat and thought “I’ll pick that up tomorrow”, followed by a tiny voice saying “you can do that now!!”  And I realized that what once imprisoned me in  my own home for going drivable distances was removed and I was free to go anywhere at any time.

Small things.

My desire to go out “for a drink and snack” were completely curbed.  I saved on dining out, but spent more on groceries, because I am enjoying cooking again and eating healthy.  My budget for the wine, however, hasn’t changed much, as I am enjoying my non-alcoholic wine, and that is not cheap.  Strange though.  If they are so encouraging sobriety, you would think they would sell these beverages at a reasonable price.  Having said that, my MADD wine is also a donation towards the (Mad) Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.

My energy level is so much higher, I can’t even sleep in in the morning.  I have to be up and about doing things I enjoy, and I even got a gym membership and have being going, although not on a set schedule, a very regular basis.  When not there, I do a small work out from home, just because I am enjoying it.

Work seems to be much more enjoyable as well.  I have always liked my job, as it is active and it is about helping people, but lately I am liking it even more.  Some of that excitement also comes from books I have been reading that are opening up my eyes to a new way of thinking.

Life is exciting me more these days.  Maybe it’s time to pull out my paint set again.  I have already been playing around with new sketches of my cartoon character, who has laid dormant for a few years.

Here is to new beginnings, thanks to my niece who asked me to join in on the fundraiser.  Who knew it would have this impact on me?

Just a note:  The campaign is going on until the end of March in donation collections.  If  anyone would like to donate to this cause, you can do so by clicking on this link.  I was amazed to find out that just over 2000 people participated and they raised $120,000.  I am at $25 (my own donation) at this time.  I am okay with that too.  It was worth every penny. 🙂  DryFeb Cancer Fundraising Donations Link

Perfect is not all it is cracked up to be

I want to share this story. I don’t know who wrote it, but it is amazingly true.  And I thank @addictivedau for sharing. Life is about living and learning and loving yourself just the way you are. And removing the negative. Reminds me of the saying in the movie  Tin Cup… perfection is unattainable .  Well said.

Push the button. Best button I ever pushed. I found myself again.

tom tomjones3453@gmai.com 70.49.100.169 you will commit suicide end of 2016

Nice!! This was one of the messages I got on my site.  Well, Mr. Tom Jones, having quit bulimia, I think I am showing signs of actually not going that way.  I don’t know who you are, and really maybe care because if you are sending out messages like this, it may well be that you are having issues yourself.

I will say, I was walking my dogs, after feeding my cats and hugging them, and learning about my new friend, a Betta fish that my daughter left with me with, which I took with love and happiness to learn more about, when I was thinking about this incredibly sad message you sent me.

Now, there is something not so sad, is that I have your IP address and I have a background in PI work so I have connections to find you to find out if you are actually the one that has suicidal tendencies.

I don’t take this kind of message lightly by the way.  I don’t find this funny.. I don’t even find it offensive, I find it scary that a person would write this on a post of someone who is writing about recovery.  I would worry more about you than me.

 

nosuicidebullying

Stop Talking About Her!

Sister Cheating With Husband

 

16 years ago or so my sister had an affair with my husband.  True fact. My parents, as I would expect them to, forgave her. So did I but I choose not to be around that freak of nature that also destroyed, in my watch, three other marriages and has been constantly unfaithful to her husband. This my parents don’t know.

It behooves me how my mother is always telling me how wonderful she is. I don’t want to hear about her. I want to close that chapter of my book. She and my now ex-husband, destroyed two families and yet it appears to me my mother is completely either in denial or does this to hurt me.

How do you tell a mother to shut the funk up and that you don’t want to hear about the devil in Prada ??

My parents are in their 80’s. Dad just had a major stroke.  I can’t upset my mother by telling her how I feel, because likely she will tell dad and dad is just not in that zone.  He just wants to focus on getting better.

That Devil also took away the dog I loved that Dad said he would care for when I lost everything and didn’t have a place to keep him.  My Yeller.  Now her husband.. yes he stayed with her through this because he is madly in love with her… smiled and said he turned my dog into a needy one that won’t leave him alone.

Oh my… no wonder they are together.  But better yet, he tells me he sleeps with the dog without my sister.

Twisted.

I don’t know how to cut this tie.  If I refuse to show up to all the family events, my parents get upset.  But if I do show up I feel ill.  I don’t hate my sister.  That is too much of an emotion.  I just don’t want to be around someone who is toxic and has caused my children to bring up the pain of a marriage that died over a sister and father who had no desire to understand the final consequences of their actions.

I understand my parents still loving her.  She is their daughter.  But I don’t feel it is fair that I am expected to love her and hang around with her.  And I don’t think it’s fair that I can no longer be honest about my true feelings… that I so prefer to keep her away from me.  I want those who I trust and love and do same  back around me.  I spent years as a bulimic eating the mean ones up and throwing them up.  Bullies, mean people, controlling people.

Proud to say that I am not doing that… but yet… there are other things that may bring me to wonder… why… I do what I do.

Bullying doesn’t stop at any age

stopbullying

I am so devastated.  This past month the bullying I have experienced led me to cry.  No not eat and throw up like I would have in my past, but cry.  I felt helpless.  I felt disgusted.  I am 54 and should be strong enough to say STOP! But instead each time I walked away and cried.

Okay it’s not all that bad.  I had two of four tenants run up against me for such stupid issues all I could think about was “are you that sad in your life that you have to come together and belittle a woman?”. I am not well.  I have a really bad cold and my patience is null when I am not well.   So I welled at them that I am tired and fed up with them and to leave me alone.  Pursuant to that I knocked on my landlord’s door and asked her to stop them from being such bullies.  One of the things they bullied me about was so lame.  Locking the shed door.  Funny thing is it wasn’t me it was the landlord.  And asking me why I put stuff in there??? well the landlord and her husband were furious because that is shared space and they are not the boss of it.  It made me feel better that they were going to address it, but it was bullying and it was shameful on their part.

Then there was at work when they have a meeting in the back and two of us do not attend.  I was stymied when they put me in the middle of the circle while I was trying to get their attention that I needed their support and told me what I needed to correct.  It was so insulting!! I didn’t reply and moved out of the circle.  One thing to put someone in the circle to give them accolades, another to put them down!

Then a dog I was walking with my other dog, while I was watching mine go to the bathroom, tugged me and I looked around and was spooked by a runner running by us.  Then she yells out the dog nipped her.  I thought “I would have too if you had caught me a moment earlier!”. Now I am spooked even more because these people, even if you ask are you alright, then when they stop ahead yell again “are you alright” just keep moving forward, then come by to your landlord.  I know this… it is another way of bullying.  Pay me for the dog that I ran up behind on a short leash, but with no understanding that that would spook anyone let alone a dog and now settle.  Another way of bullying someone.

I have lived most of my life around bullies.  I was bulimic for a big reason for that.  No more, but now I realize I have to find a way to fight back in a good way against these people who think their plight in life is to bully others because they have nothing better to do.

I am upset, but today, almost 6 years after the last time I threw up I can say, I know these people don’t deserve me hurting myself over them, but instead, I will find a way to defend myself against them.  I just have to figure out how.