tom tomjones3453@gmai.com 70.49.100.169 you will commit suicide end of 2016

Nice!! This was one of the messages I got on my site.  Well, Mr. Tom Jones, having quit bulimia, I think I am showing signs of actually not going that way.  I don’t know who you are, and really maybe care because if you are sending out messages like this, it may well be that you are having issues yourself.

I will say, I was walking my dogs, after feeding my cats and hugging them, and learning about my new friend, a Betta fish that my daughter left with me with, which I took with love and happiness to learn more about, when I was thinking about this incredibly sad message you sent me.

Now, there is something not so sad, is that I have your IP address and I have a background in PI work so I have connections to find you to find out if you are actually the one that has suicidal tendencies.

I don’t take this kind of message lightly by the way.  I don’t find this funny.. I don’t even find it offensive, I find it scary that a person would write this on a post of someone who is writing about recovery.  I would worry more about you than me.

 

nosuicidebullying

Stop Talking About Her!

Sister Cheating With Husband

 

16 years ago or so my sister had an affair with my husband.  True fact. My parents, as I would expect them to, forgave her. So did I but I choose not to be around that freak of nature that also destroyed, in my watch, three other marriages and has been constantly unfaithful to her husband. This my parents don’t know.

It behooves me how my mother is always telling me how wonderful she is. I don’t want to hear about her. I want to close that chapter of my book. She and my now ex-husband, destroyed two families and yet it appears to me my mother is completely either in denial or does this to hurt me.

How do you tell a mother to shut the funk up and that you don’t want to hear about the devil in Prada ??

My parents are in their 80’s. Dad just had a major stroke.  I can’t upset my mother by telling her how I feel, because likely she will tell dad and dad is just not in that zone.  He just wants to focus on getting better.

That Devil also took away the dog I loved that Dad said he would care for when I lost everything and didn’t have a place to keep him.  My Yeller.  Now her husband.. yes he stayed with her through this because he is madly in love with her… smiled and said he turned my dog into a needy one that won’t leave him alone.

Oh my… no wonder they are together.  But better yet, he tells me he sleeps with the dog without my sister.

Twisted.

I don’t know how to cut this tie.  If I refuse to show up to all the family events, my parents get upset.  But if I do show up I feel ill.  I don’t hate my sister.  That is too much of an emotion.  I just don’t want to be around someone who is toxic and has caused my children to bring up the pain of a marriage that died over a sister and father who had no desire to understand the final consequences of their actions.

I understand my parents still loving her.  She is their daughter.  But I don’t feel it is fair that I am expected to love her and hang around with her.  And I don’t think it’s fair that I can no longer be honest about my true feelings… that I so prefer to keep her away from me.  I want those who I trust and love and do same  back around me.  I spent years as a bulimic eating the mean ones up and throwing them up.  Bullies, mean people, controlling people.

Proud to say that I am not doing that… but yet… there are other things that may bring me to wonder… why… I do what I do.

Another Great Year

Seems like yesterday I posted about turning 51. Time sure passes quickly. And what a different place I am from where I was back then. It’s like night and day. Great job, a vehicle, a beautiful little apartment on the pond and a visiting daughter. Had a wonderful birthday weekend with family too and rode on the rides at the fair for the first time in years.

I know I am not doing what I truly love yet but I am at least feeling inspired to pursue that, unlike 5 years ago when my world fell apart and I lost all material possessions. It has indeed made for a journey back up from the slumps but great support helped me do just that. And a journey that has been free of bulimia.

It truly has been a great year!

Las Vegas Cancelled

I was supposed to go to Las Vegas for my birthday in September. Everything was planned since February. I cancelled. I cancelled because of several reasons.

First off Daddy had a major stroke in July and has been healing but I needed to be with him and Mommy. Yes I am in my 50’s but they will always be mommy and daddy to me , like me their daughter who still is loved as their young child.

I also was blessed with my daughter moving in with me temporarily before she moves out West. She offered to care for my pets so all would have been fine, except for that I realized it wasn’t. 

I needed to know I could be with my parents and daughter on my birthday. I needed to be around those who loved me. And I realized life is precious.

I love my parents. I am more than thankful my daughter and I rekindling our relationship after 9 years. And I believe that my feeling of peace for cancelling speaks volumes.

I recently marathon watched Drop Dead Diva and in the series it is clear.  Live every day for the moment. Some believe I was crazy for cancelling Vegas. But for me it was living every moment I can with the ones I love.

Bullying doesn’t stop at any age

stopbullying

I am so devastated.  This past month the bullying I have experienced led me to cry.  No not eat and throw up like I would have in my past, but cry.  I felt helpless.  I felt disgusted.  I am 54 and should be strong enough to say STOP! But instead each time I walked away and cried.

Okay it’s not all that bad.  I had two of four tenants run up against me for such stupid issues all I could think about was “are you that sad in your life that you have to come together and belittle a woman?”. I am not well.  I have a really bad cold and my patience is null when I am not well.   So I welled at them that I am tired and fed up with them and to leave me alone.  Pursuant to that I knocked on my landlord’s door and asked her to stop them from being such bullies.  One of the things they bullied me about was so lame.  Locking the shed door.  Funny thing is it wasn’t me it was the landlord.  And asking me why I put stuff in there??? well the landlord and her husband were furious because that is shared space and they are not the boss of it.  It made me feel better that they were going to address it, but it was bullying and it was shameful on their part.

Then there was at work when they have a meeting in the back and two of us do not attend.  I was stymied when they put me in the middle of the circle while I was trying to get their attention that I needed their support and told me what I needed to correct.  It was so insulting!! I didn’t reply and moved out of the circle.  One thing to put someone in the circle to give them accolades, another to put them down!

Then a dog I was walking with my other dog, while I was watching mine go to the bathroom, tugged me and I looked around and was spooked by a runner running by us.  Then she yells out the dog nipped her.  I thought “I would have too if you had caught me a moment earlier!”. Now I am spooked even more because these people, even if you ask are you alright, then when they stop ahead yell again “are you alright” just keep moving forward, then come by to your landlord.  I know this… it is another way of bullying.  Pay me for the dog that I ran up behind on a short leash, but with no understanding that that would spook anyone let alone a dog and now settle.  Another way of bullying someone.

I have lived most of my life around bullies.  I was bulimic for a big reason for that.  No more, but now I realize I have to find a way to fight back in a good way against these people who think their plight in life is to bully others because they have nothing better to do.

I am upset, but today, almost 6 years after the last time I threw up I can say, I know these people don’t deserve me hurting myself over them, but instead, I will find a way to defend myself against them.  I just have to figure out how.