Perfect is not all it is cracked up to be

I want to share this story. I don’t know who wrote it, but it is amazingly true.  And I thank @addictivedau for sharing. Life is about living and learning and loving yourself just the way you are. And removing the negative. Reminds me of the saying in the movie  Tin Cup… perfection is unattainable .  Well said.

Push the button. Best button I ever pushed. I found myself again.

Today who I am and Happy

​Done most but go to bed early is a challenge because I want to be awake for every moment I can but getting there.  Be fierce … working on that. Feel it but kindness outweighs being fierce at often times… things that challenge you.. do that every day but there is one more I have to do for me. Other than that all other lessons have been completed. Particularly clutter. Went from 2400 Sq ft home and huge basement and garage to 400 Sq feet. Pretty awesome and freeing. 🤗🤗🤗 oh and I also unfriended people in my life that have been negative and toxic in person. That too is even more freeing than social media. 🤗🤗🤗🤗😆😆😆

tom tomjones3453@gmai.com 70.49.100.169 you will commit suicide end of 2016

Nice!! This was one of the messages I got on my site.  Well, Mr. Tom Jones, having quit bulimia, I think I am showing signs of actually not going that way.  I don’t know who you are, and really maybe care because if you are sending out messages like this, it may well be that you are having issues yourself.

I will say, I was walking my dogs, after feeding my cats and hugging them, and learning about my new friend, a Betta fish that my daughter left with me with, which I took with love and happiness to learn more about, when I was thinking about this incredibly sad message you sent me.

Now, there is something not so sad, is that I have your IP address and I have a background in PI work so I have connections to find you to find out if you are actually the one that has suicidal tendencies.

I don’t take this kind of message lightly by the way.  I don’t find this funny.. I don’t even find it offensive, I find it scary that a person would write this on a post of someone who is writing about recovery.  I would worry more about you than me.

 

nosuicidebullying

Another Great Year

Seems like yesterday I posted about turning 51. Time sure passes quickly. And what a different place I am from where I was back then. It’s like night and day. Great job, a vehicle, a beautiful little apartment on the pond and a visiting daughter. Had a wonderful birthday weekend with family too and rode on the rides at the fair for the first time in years.

I know I am not doing what I truly love yet but I am at least feeling inspired to pursue that, unlike 5 years ago when my world fell apart and I lost all material possessions. It has indeed made for a journey back up from the slumps but great support helped me do just that. And a journey that has been free of bulimia.

It truly has been a great year!

Las Vegas Cancelled

I was supposed to go to Las Vegas for my birthday in September. Everything was planned since February. I cancelled. I cancelled because of several reasons.

First off Daddy had a major stroke in July and has been healing but I needed to be with him and Mommy. Yes I am in my 50’s but they will always be mommy and daddy to me , like me their daughter who still is loved as their young child.

I also was blessed with my daughter moving in with me temporarily before she moves out West. She offered to care for my pets so all would have been fine, except for that I realized it wasn’t. 

I needed to know I could be with my parents and daughter on my birthday. I needed to be around those who loved me. And I realized life is precious.

I love my parents. I am more than thankful my daughter and I rekindling our relationship after 9 years. And I believe that my feeling of peace for cancelling speaks volumes.

I recently marathon watched Drop Dead Diva and in the series it is clear.  Live every day for the moment. Some believe I was crazy for cancelling Vegas. But for me it was living every moment I can with the ones I love.

Bullying doesn’t stop at any age

stopbullying

I am so devastated.  This past month the bullying I have experienced led me to cry.  No not eat and throw up like I would have in my past, but cry.  I felt helpless.  I felt disgusted.  I am 54 and should be strong enough to say STOP! But instead each time I walked away and cried.

Okay it’s not all that bad.  I had two of four tenants run up against me for such stupid issues all I could think about was “are you that sad in your life that you have to come together and belittle a woman?”. I am not well.  I have a really bad cold and my patience is null when I am not well.   So I welled at them that I am tired and fed up with them and to leave me alone.  Pursuant to that I knocked on my landlord’s door and asked her to stop them from being such bullies.  One of the things they bullied me about was so lame.  Locking the shed door.  Funny thing is it wasn’t me it was the landlord.  And asking me why I put stuff in there??? well the landlord and her husband were furious because that is shared space and they are not the boss of it.  It made me feel better that they were going to address it, but it was bullying and it was shameful on their part.

Then there was at work when they have a meeting in the back and two of us do not attend.  I was stymied when they put me in the middle of the circle while I was trying to get their attention that I needed their support and told me what I needed to correct.  It was so insulting!! I didn’t reply and moved out of the circle.  One thing to put someone in the circle to give them accolades, another to put them down!

Then a dog I was walking with my other dog, while I was watching mine go to the bathroom, tugged me and I looked around and was spooked by a runner running by us.  Then she yells out the dog nipped her.  I thought “I would have too if you had caught me a moment earlier!”. Now I am spooked even more because these people, even if you ask are you alright, then when they stop ahead yell again “are you alright” just keep moving forward, then come by to your landlord.  I know this… it is another way of bullying.  Pay me for the dog that I ran up behind on a short leash, but with no understanding that that would spook anyone let alone a dog and now settle.  Another way of bullying someone.

I have lived most of my life around bullies.  I was bulimic for a big reason for that.  No more, but now I realize I have to find a way to fight back in a good way against these people who think their plight in life is to bully others because they have nothing better to do.

I am upset, but today, almost 6 years after the last time I threw up I can say, I know these people don’t deserve me hurting myself over them, but instead, I will find a way to defend myself against them.  I just have to figure out how.

Inside Out

It was shocking to me that a simple sentence would have my daughter come up to me and hug me while saying “I am so happy to hear that!” When all I said impromptu was that I really liked myself and the way I looked except I could work on my belly. I laughed and said I could make a baby butt out if it. The hug was sincere and she told me how happy she was to hear me say that.

My daughter is not a stranger to my years of bulimia. I didn’t want her to be. And I have been as honest as a bulimic could be when I was one to both my sons and my daughter of how it affected my life to the point where when my daughter was I think 12, wrote an essay about eating disorders and referenced me with my consent.

She sees me now. Accepting of myself and who I am. And she came back to stay with me for a short time but I am elated. I am learning so much of now where I am where I too can go like she is doing in a month. But I am taking baby steps. She is inspiring me to do so to the next step up… Whatever that step may be.

I am embracing this time with my daughter like some angel in heaven decided it was time my Karma was over… 🙂 but more so …

9 years ago my daughter left me after being the only one who chose to stay with me after my divorce. I held that precious but losing her in a not so good situation broke my heart. Happy thoughts today.. Like a female Peter Pan (although often played by a female in theatre lol) thought is that this is now full circle to a better good bye when she spreads her wings next month to explore… This time it will be a happy departure with knowing a mother’s love never dies… And nor too that of a daughter’s to a mother who is elated to see her and more so feel her back in her life.

So when she hugged me… I realized I made it. I was good most of all from the inside out rather than the outside in… Where I was at one time …. and happier ever in life to not be there anymore.