There Is Never Enough Time

I heard this song and I realized that a big part of my life was lost to my bulimia, and to my self-centeredness and selfishness.  I didn’t realize I was any of those, buried in my addiction.  At the same time, looking back, I realized how lost I was through those years.  I never really knew who I was once my bulimia started.  I remember my mother telling me that I was not the Laurie she used to know.  She was indeed right.  I was not altogether gone, but a big part of that younger Laurie was – lost in the confusion of what it was that had taken over my life, and at times had sabotaged what could have been the most beautiful time in my life.

I won’t say that all was lost.  I did have some great times with my children.  Unfortunately, sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind me that I did have those.

I know I lost their teenage years to their father.  In hindsight, this was likely a good thing.  I try to resolve with myself if that was selfish of me to not fight the mammoth harder to have more time with them, but in the end, the fight to do so would have most likely just applied more scars to what already was a nightmare of a divorce and ending of a family unit.

Today I am very happy and I have forgiven myself for many things.  I do believe, however, the hardest one is the questions of parenting.  But I have to let those go.  My sons and daughter have advise me to do so, and to stop being sorry for what might have been.  So it is my duty to myself and them to move forward as I am doing, and enjoy every moment I have with them, however brief and few now that they are all young adults.

I end this with the song I was listening to that does make you think…. and realize it is so important to embrace the time we have with family and friends and even more so, with self.  For when the times alone are ones that you cherish, it makes it all the more magical to share the love you have for yourself with others you love.

 

Six Years and Eleven Days

On the 11th of February I celebrated 11 days sober (I am a wine junky) and 11 years sober from my bulimia. This recent journey is bringing me to new places.  I am reading, writing letters and sketching – things I enjoyed doing but didn’t because I would just what to sit and watch TV with my trustee old friend Wine and relax.

There are a lot of things I am becoming aware of during this short time of complete sobriety.  I have been reading The Saint The Surfer and The CEO and it has opened my eyes to many issues I have to deal with and resolve. I realized I have had a closed heart for quite some time. It’s not that I don’t feel, but I certainly retain a wall around me to minimize the possibility of hurt.

As I go along this journey I am Journaling.  To that end I will share some of the lessons that are worthwhile.  To my friends out there still fighting the fight, don’t give up. As long as there is a spark still alive, it can still light the fire.

Perfect is not all it is cracked up to be

I want to share this story. I don’t know who wrote it, but it is amazingly true.  And I thank @addictivedau for sharing. Life is about living and learning and loving yourself just the way you are. And removing the negative. Reminds me of the saying in the movie  Tin Cup… perfection is unattainable .  Well said.

Push the button. Best button I ever pushed. I found myself again.

Today who I am and Happy

​Done most but go to bed early is a challenge because I want to be awake for every moment I can but getting there.  Be fierce … working on that. Feel it but kindness outweighs being fierce at often times… things that challenge you.. do that every day but there is one more I have to do for me. Other than that all other lessons have been completed. Particularly clutter. Went from 2400 Sq ft home and huge basement and garage to 400 Sq feet. Pretty awesome and freeing. 🤗🤗🤗 oh and I also unfriended people in my life that have been negative and toxic in person. That too is even more freeing than social media. 🤗🤗🤗🤗😆😆😆

Stop Talking About Her!

Sister Cheating With Husband

 

16 years ago or so my sister had an affair with my husband.  True fact. My parents, as I would expect them to, forgave her. So did I but I choose not to be around that freak of nature that also destroyed, in my watch, three other marriages and has been constantly unfaithful to her husband. This my parents don’t know.

It behooves me how my mother is always telling me how wonderful she is. I don’t want to hear about her. I want to close that chapter of my book. She and my now ex-husband, destroyed two families and yet it appears to me my mother is completely either in denial or does this to hurt me.

How do you tell a mother to shut the funk up and that you don’t want to hear about the devil in Prada ??

My parents are in their 80’s. Dad just had a major stroke.  I can’t upset my mother by telling her how I feel, because likely she will tell dad and dad is just not in that zone.  He just wants to focus on getting better.

That Devil also took away the dog I loved that Dad said he would care for when I lost everything and didn’t have a place to keep him.  My Yeller.  Now her husband.. yes he stayed with her through this because he is madly in love with her… smiled and said he turned my dog into a needy one that won’t leave him alone.

Oh my… no wonder they are together.  But better yet, he tells me he sleeps with the dog without my sister.

Twisted.

I don’t know how to cut this tie.  If I refuse to show up to all the family events, my parents get upset.  But if I do show up I feel ill.  I don’t hate my sister.  That is too much of an emotion.  I just don’t want to be around someone who is toxic and has caused my children to bring up the pain of a marriage that died over a sister and father who had no desire to understand the final consequences of their actions.

I understand my parents still loving her.  She is their daughter.  But I don’t feel it is fair that I am expected to love her and hang around with her.  And I don’t think it’s fair that I can no longer be honest about my true feelings… that I so prefer to keep her away from me.  I want those who I trust and love and do same  back around me.  I spent years as a bulimic eating the mean ones up and throwing them up.  Bullies, mean people, controlling people.

Proud to say that I am not doing that… but yet… there are other things that may bring me to wonder… why… I do what I do.

Inside Out

It was shocking to me that a simple sentence would have my daughter come up to me and hug me while saying “I am so happy to hear that!” When all I said impromptu was that I really liked myself and the way I looked except I could work on my belly. I laughed and said I could make a baby butt out if it. The hug was sincere and she told me how happy she was to hear me say that.

My daughter is not a stranger to my years of bulimia. I didn’t want her to be. And I have been as honest as a bulimic could be when I was one to both my sons and my daughter of how it affected my life to the point where when my daughter was I think 12, wrote an essay about eating disorders and referenced me with my consent.

She sees me now. Accepting of myself and who I am. And she came back to stay with me for a short time but I am elated. I am learning so much of now where I am where I too can go like she is doing in a month. But I am taking baby steps. She is inspiring me to do so to the next step up… Whatever that step may be.

I am embracing this time with my daughter like some angel in heaven decided it was time my Karma was over… 🙂 but more so …

9 years ago my daughter left me after being the only one who chose to stay with me after my divorce. I held that precious but losing her in a not so good situation broke my heart. Happy thoughts today.. Like a female Peter Pan (although often played by a female in theatre lol) thought is that this is now full circle to a better good bye when she spreads her wings next month to explore… This time it will be a happy departure with knowing a mother’s love never dies… And nor too that of a daughter’s to a mother who is elated to see her and more so feel her back in her life.

So when she hugged me… I realized I made it. I was good most of all from the inside out rather than the outside in… Where I was at one time …. and happier ever in life to not be there anymore.