2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 8,700 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

I’m Not Afraid of Christmas Anymore!

What a beautiful Christmas Eve and two days to follow. No more fear of too much food!! And there was a lot! But I didn’t fear it at all.  I even took some home and enjoyed it for the last two days.  What freedom… and it made having time with my family so much more enjoyable.  This is the fourth year I have felt this way and I thank God!  But even more so thank God for my new home, my new friends.  I keep moving forward and loving every day.

I was walking my dogs and looking around at the pond, and the parks around my new surroundings… the silence, the solitude that I so love to come back to after spending beautiful time with family.  Thought… “never would have thought I would live here or be doing what I am doing in my life”… then a small voice responded “every day is a new day and never ask why… just enjoy that you are… where you are… today”.  I’ll take that Jiminy Cricket response to my question.

I went from 2400 sq ft plus a two car garage, a 4800 sq ft auto repair shop to 454 sq ft of beautiful.  No fear, no one telling me what to do and two beautiful dogs that keep me on my toes and a job that keeps me loving my repeat customers and enjoying the trip of life.

I love my family more than anything in my world… and my friends… and this freedom of low cost, no debt, no expectations from others and my bulimia gone.  What a beautiful life.  May have taken 52 years to find this… but as Jiminy Cricket said in my head… “every day is a new day and never ask why… just enjoy that you are… where you are… today”.  🙂

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All Shapes Beautiful…No Discrimination

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This was too beautiful not to share with my friends here. Near five years clean a and happy with my Sea Monkey shape. I am more alive then ever! 🙂
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Only thing missing on this are my sagging you know whats and I don’t have a tail. 🙂

My Cricket Thing Is Big

Why would a cricket sound mean so much to someone, you may ask?  My answer.  Deafness.  I woke up one morning and wondered why I couldn’t hear the crickets yet the sun was shining and it was summer and they usually made a lot of sound where I lived. I lay there wondering why the silence and no crickets.  Then I spun around to my other side and heard them.  It was then I found out at 38 years of age that I had a hearing impairment.  I couldn’t hear from my right ear.

Tonight there was cricket at my door.  Night time even!! He was loud.  I plugged my left ear and could still hear him or her in my right somewhat deafened ear.  That was how loud he/she was.  I loved the sound.  Turned off the television to listen.  Most people hate the sound of crickets.  It drives them nuts.  Me… it’s a remembory of when I could hear, when indeed I do hear them.  And tonight I thought… maybe… just maybe.. my hearing isn’t as bad any more.  Having given up bulimia, maybe, just may my jaw crackling, jaw numbing from constant chewing may be relieving the tension from my jaw to my muscles around my ears to have me hear a bit better again?  Just a thought… 🙂  Moving into my third world of quarter century… maybe this one, which may be my last, may be the most beautiful…. if nothing else… I can hear crickets again.  And the whistling in my ears (Tinnitus or something???) is quieting as well.  Here is to healing.. 🙂  And maybe a little cricket who is there to make sure you keep your conscience clear as well? 🙂

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Hey Bartender!

Okay, I love this song.  Seriously love this song.  It’s about letting go.  I wouldn’t advocate a bartender, but I do love the rhythm, which is what I dance to, and well, it’s a song that would maybe hit me when I was younger when I could dress up and go out.  Now I just dance to it at home with my dogs.  They actually dance on their two back legs and seriously dance up a storm.  It makes me laugh and move on from anything that may at one point in my life had made me sad or frustrated and instead makes me laugh… moving on… letting go… like letting go of bulimia.. bad relationships… and learning to love me again.  You really don’t need a bartender… but dancing?  definitely!!  Need to dance. 🙂

 

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Building New Memories

I died spiritually and almost physically for a while.  I mean this in the sense that I didn’t want to do anything. Being home alone was all I wanted.  Watch TV, hang out with my dogs.  That was it.  Then suddenly I realized I wasn’t building  memories anymore.  I was seriously dying alone even if alive.  Work, home, bed, dogs. Nothing more, nothing less.  I stated in my last post that I had a great day. I even had a great idea that my sisters appreciated!! I felt alive again and realized even at 51, new memories, the good ones, can be built up again.  So I will continue to find neat adventures.  Afterall, at work they call me Dora because I carry my knapsack on my back everywhere I go.  Doesn’t matter how old you are.  You can always be a Dora. 🙂 And at the end of the day, a rainbow without rain is intriguing.  Another awesome memory.  I may not have seen my meteor shower, but I saw something just as wonderful.

 

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Beautiful Day With Two of My Three Sisters

Well, yesterday may have been an afternoon right off, but today was wonderful.  Family, riding, sitting out in the sun.  Just a wonderful day.  I want to create more of these.  For those with eating disorders, I highly recommend, if you like animals, try trail riding.  You will fall in love.  It is almost addictive.  Calming, and anxieties are none.  At a good ranch the horses are completely trained and so lovable.  Thank God for today.  I had such a great day!!  I want to keep up with this moving forward and doing things.  My sisters were soooo happy and couldn’t believe what a great experience it was.  It’s one we will continue to share.  Who knew? Horses are bringing us back together~~

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Trying To Make The Best Of My Life

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I don’t get it. The happier I feel the more people around me seem to try to put me down and control me. I have been fighting this for the past eight month and feel as though I want to burst. I’m crying right now for that exact reason. Beat up and bruised over and over again. I keep going though thanks to this site that calms me when no one else is out there to reach out to. Thank you. You make me happy. I just smiled. My tears now are just dropping left overs. Wow. What walking outside and finding this site and sunshine and the anticipation of tomorrow could do for mental health. Slight breeze and birds and the odd disappointment of the nasty neighbour.

I wonder why rooster are crowing at 7:21 pm? And why the neighbour is so sweet with his new one and so mean to me. Because I’m an ex? Please. He has three girlfriends. Oh ya…… beat the ex. Stay happy with the affairs. Move out? Not an option right now. But working on it.

Ready to ride tomorrow and trying to sleep when asked to move my car. Too many underlying details to explain my tears. But they have since dried up and I will sit for a while and contemplate life in the way I choose. Not as others do.

Three Beautiful Flowers Preserved

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These may only seem to anyone as three roses and baby breath being preserved. To me the are a memory of my three children taking me out on mother’s day this year. It’s weird. Why would I, a woman who was bulimic for thirty years deserve such wonder? Or is this my message that each of them have and keep yelling at me to say screw this world and focus. I’m actually doing this, but some days I slide. Not in bulimia. Other ways that I chose not to share at this time. Suffice it to say I fear my children judge me as their father did. Not good enough, and I hold that fear too with my parents and employers. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I want to thank my readers. You make me feel like I’m good enough and I know my children have shared their fear too lately of feeling that way and come to me about it. But my fear is fighting this am I the person they should discuss this with?

Hummm… Absolutely.. I may be.

In all this there is one person I will miss. My ex’s daughter. My best friend. She went home today. She is a rose missing on the three but maybe the baby breath is what my daughter added to reflect her.

Male Version of Meaness

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I didn’t think I’d find one! Bonus google! I DID. Meaness. This is my ex. Cruella In male form. Both. Interestingly enough I used to be afraid, not anymore. They hide behind their own insecurities. May they find their peace. I used to eat them and throw them up. But they cannot get me into that mode anymore. I really feel sad for their hate of women that I could feel, simply by their need to control.

So glad not only that I left the first but realizing I have to fight the second to gain back my strength.