But the address on your envelope is the one it went to.  I didn’t feel like writing today… by hand.  I wanted to type.  Because for the first time in a long time, I didn’t want to be on this earth today.  I felt so overwhelmed by my son. By my sister. I shot a verbal gun bigger than hers was to me.  I felt like I had just been shot a hole in my heart and sent one back… but as big as she shot at mine, mine to her was bigger.  I couldn’t take back that shot…. There’s no bullet you can remove when the gun that was shot is a gun that holds not a metal piece, but words.

Vengeful words don’t make anyone feel good.  In fact, I hurt myself more than anything and I just felt like I would be better not being on this earth having hurt one person who means to world to me…

Funny though not. 

This feeling of being not good enough started with my adopted sister.  Called me a liar, immature love.

It was like… I was manifesting all this??? Time to turn THAT around!!

What I learned from this, which I am turning around and manifesting love and money!! ? is this:

Everyone hurts in different degrees.  And sometimes people hear what they want to hear.  Sometimes they forget what they want to.  Sometimes a word from someone to another will strike a chord that automatically shoots the arrow back.

We are selfish beings.  And we are selfless beings.  Some of us.  And when the selfless goes up against the selfish part of our being, it causes a very big controversy, a contradiction, and at times ammunition was thrown out by our internal struggle to not know what is the right way to handle this at this time??

For some it’s verbal, some it’s physical, some both.  To some, the internal controversy and the wanting to let it out but cannot at that moment remains internal until a volcano explodes.  And when it does, it’s never right.  Quite often, it’s not at the right time.  The question here is?  Is there ever a right time?

I was told I needed counseling.  My family needed counseling.  How funny this is.  Seriously, what amount of counseling can heal the internal scars, be they from words, or from bruises, or from simply not saying anything?

Someone asked me tonight.  “Did you ever do anything as mean as you have been done to?”.  It would be lying to say no.  I am very sure and have been reminded, even if I didn’t want to remember, of yes, the hurt I have caused to others.  I am seriously not perfect, and I remember most of the verbal attacks I sent out there that would have caused pain to people I love.

I have tried to tone this down over the years, but now and again, that little LaurieAnn throws up her thoughts and words.  Maybe it would have been better kept in her bulimia.  Those things that she ate and threw up, never for anyone to know about.

I remember the one time that I threw out my words was a night I drank, and ate, and didn’t throw up the food because I couldn’t find the outlet to do it… so then?.  Did I ever throw out the words?

Sometimes I wish there was a word pillow in front of my mouth.  I am not nearly as open to my exact feelings to acquaintances as I am to the people I love the most.  I tend to be very careful about the frail people who don’t speak their minds but really can target the loved ones that send me truths without any filters and then I just barrel back aim and shoot it.  Part of me regrets it, but part of me doesn’t because my salted wound came from them and I want them to feel the same pain that I felt.  There are times however though, I can be as insensitive as they are, and even worse.

What is the moral of this story?  There isn’t one.  We do what we do. 

My bulimia saved me from saying more than I should have but didn’t save me from releasing my internal anxiety, pain, thoughts.  Now I have no filter.  I just say it.  When I can.  Or I hide alone at home so that I won’t succumb to people’s judgments.  Happy alone.  The bliss that I never have to be hurting anyone.

Time to turn off the telephones.. LOL.

I have never been good enough to the people close to me.  Maybe it’s why I like people online.  They don’t judge me.  They never held me.  They never expected anything from me but to turn on my computer and say hi online.  A simple life.  And my dogs?  They love me no matter what.  And my cats?  They’re just funny and loving too.  And none of my pets ever judge me.  Just love me.

In my passionate moments, my voice rises.  They say “don’t yell at me”.  To me, it’s not yelling.  It’s crying out.

My pain.

Do I not know that the person on the other side has pain?  Yes, I do, but if you are going to throw yours at mine, expect me now that I am no longer bulimic to throw my back.  Alternatively, I can always eat mine up again and throw down the toilet.  But that is a world I don’t ever want to be a part of again.

Ever.

And as much as others won’t, have a hard time, question their love for me?  I love me.  And that is the most important thing I HAVE TO REMEMBER.  And if something is upsetting me, I HAVE TO LEARN to just say goodbye.  Not forever, but until I can process the pain of what has been shared.  No matter how long that goodbye has to last. 

Maybe it’s time to understand that is what my son is going through.  Maybe today that was a lesson for me.  To understand HIS pain.  And let go.

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