There are times when the feeling of purging comes back to me. But I have to clearify this feeling. It’s not about eating and purging anymore. It’s about feeling the emotion and finding a way to purge them outside of food. I like that I am not bulimic anymore. I hope those who are who are reading this can learn that it is something you can completely overcome.
The feeling of purging emotions is pretty intense, and one that I DID use my bulimia to do. Today I have learned different ways to do so. I will admit I can get into a “funk” and feel as though the world around me is just so exhausting. I feel very tired and emotionally spent.
Lately it has to do with the Troll downstairs. I was so excited when my daughter decided to come back to live with me. But I have a “neighbour” that is intolerant. He is a bully, harasses us all the time, calls us names, etc. We, collectively, as tenants of this beautiful home, have just tolerated it hoping he was going to move out at the end of his lease, which would have been around the time my daughter moved in with me.
Sadly, the Troll decided to stay to make our lives continually a stress. Police will not help. He threatens the Landlady too and she is as bothered by him and frightened for her safety as we are.
After a month of my daugher living with me, she couldn’t tolerate his smoking in the house unit below. It’s in the lease that he cannot smoke inside. But he kept doing it. My daughter retaliated with noise. He then shut off my fridge for five hours, because he has access to the breakers. Understand that my Landlady wants to put a lock on the breakers, but he refuses her access to do so. All this and more has caused grief and I placed my daughter with my sister so she wouldn’t have to deal with this.
Her leaving made me cry many nights and I couldn’t even sleep in my bed which I had her stay in during her stay. Negative energy.
Tonight I gained it back. I decided that I will not take anymore. I have a plan.
Okay, I had the plan since my daughter left, but was consumed by the Troll and HIS negativity. I let him go. And the plans I was putting together for two weeks which consumed me… I put into action and tonight I am sleeping in my bed again. The one I saw my daughter cry in… the last emotion that was in that bed that disallowed me to sleep in it for two weeks. Tonight that ended. And hence I have regained my energy to write, draw, and complete my course on coaching.
Not once did I think of eating and purging, but many times I understood the “ritual” of doing so. I did so in meditation, and breathing. I was accutely aware though of how I could have dealt with all the previous negativities in my life. I don’t regret, but I am so happy that I know how to deal with this stress. I let myself be in a funk, reached out my family and friends (which I never did before), and although it took time, I think two weeks is not too bad!!
I’m back. I miss my daughter, I am so sad she had to leave because of the Troll, but in the end, I think this made me stronger! And I am forever grateful I had her with me for a month.
Well, Troll is smoking again, so I have to close the vents and spray my girly smell down his way.
Hugs to all, and to all a goodnight… my next blog… how Christmas thoughts gave me nausea tonight…. weirdest thing!