Sisters. I was trying to make sense of all of this. Where did we start loving or hating each other. So I made a grid. I made a grid that I am still working on. It starts off like this:
#1 BOSSY #2 PUSSY #3 PUSSY #4 BOSSY
#1 MANIPULATIVE #2 NEEDY #3 FRUSTRATED #4 LIAR
#1 DELETE #2 WISH BUTTON #3 LOVE #4 HUG
#1 SLUT #2 KIND HEARTED #3 MIDDLE ROAD #4 CHARISMA
#1 SELFISH #2 GIVING #3 CARING #4 UNSURE
#1 DESTRUCTIVE #2 SELF-DESTRUCTIVE #3 SELF-SABOTAGING #4 LOST
#1 FAKE #2 MARTYR #3 DISILLUSIONED #4 BLATANT
#1 SELF-INTERESTED #2 SELF-INTERESTED #3 SELF-INTERESTED #4 SELF-INTERESTED
#1 TO A FAULT #2 TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL RIGHTEOUS #3 FOR COMPLETION #4 TO EXIST
#1 TRIES TO CONTROL EVERYONE AROUND HER #2 TRIES TO CONTROL HER HOME KINGDOM #3 GIVES UP CONTROL #4 LIVES WITH CONTROL
#1 DISGUSTS ME #2 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY #3 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY #4 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
#1 LOOKED UP TO LIKE A DIETY #2 LOOKED UP TO AS A SECOND MOM #3 FELT ALONE BUT NEVER LONELY AND LIKE LOOKING OUTSIDE OF EVERYTHING FROM INSIDE OF SELF #4 WANTED HER TO LOVE ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE FAMILY – PROTECTIVE AND DIDN’T WANT HER TO FEEL WHAT I FELT – BEING LEFT OUT.
#1 FELL OFF A PEDESTAL AND CRASHED AND BURNED #2 ALWAYS A SECOND MOM BUT SADDER FOR HER #3 STILL IN THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT #4 ALWAYS FELT CLOSER EVEN WHEN SHUT OFF BY HER – ONE OF MY LIMBS
So that is my list to date. I can’t really know where I am in my family until I truly feel what it is that I feel for each and everyone of my sisters and how it shaped my world growing up.
I know my parents, as they are aging, are feeling that it would be a sad thing to see the family fall apart after they leave us. I can’t say that will happen, but my delete button is staring me in the face with #1 on it. I have had to suffer the pain of being around this gigantic demon in my life for so many years of so many issues I can’t even begin to write here on this public blog. She has been the most destructive entity in our family from the day I met her. But there is no delete button at this time. I understand my parents. I have three children of my own. I know how much my daughter loves her eldest brother and feels as though he is not feeling the same back to her. I know the feeling of my sons towards each other and towards their sister. I wish I could have a magic wand and say “hey you will all be good together when I die”. But I can’t. And I don’t know what destruction ensued my divorce between them or anyone. It was an ugly divorce and they were torn. Each one of them at a different age that would be affected differently and also differently as they grew up and tried to put it all together.
The gigantic delete button would have been my first thing to do as soon as I had a human understanding of life. If that delete button was available, my children would not have suffered under the horrible acts of #1.
Suffice it to say, I have tried forgiveness in the biggest way. I tried to list any or all of the good traits of #1. I failed drastically. I could only come up with her paying for a birthday dinner she took me out to one night. That was it.
From her trying to drown my #2 and taking all her friends and boyfriends away, and sitting on the side lines and watching, to her using my #4 and making her do things she should never have had to have done in her teens to make her husband happy, to her having an affair with… many… and ending it with my ex husband. She was also the one at when I was 16 and she was about to get married, told me I should fast and lose weight because I was too fat at 130 lbs. I am not blaming her, but she did plant that seed that led to my then five day fast that she put me on, followed by diet after diet to bulimia. I chose to keep watering the seed she planted, but nevertheless…. She is pure evil. She is a demon. I try not to think about it often. But when I do, I still look for that delete button.
And the sister that would be the one I would call on that is quoted in the picture? #4