What is beautiful?

What is beautiful? Beauty is societie’s view of being overweight or underweight. Two friends both ends of the spectrum finding beauty in both spectrums but questioning societie’s external expectations. I love my best friend. She believes me to be beautiful and me too her. Not because of height size or weight but because we are beautiful inside and out. No size  no shape no form no gender no age can can change that.

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Watering The Wrong Seeds

I have to admit.  I have killed a lot of plants.  I am horrible with plants.  And most always the reason that those plants died is because I have been overloving and over watering them.  I am afraid they may get too dry and die.  Truth is they die because I give them too much water.

My life story is that I watered the wrong seeds.  I watered the seeds that grew into weeds and those seeds were the ones that were planted into my mind.  They started small then became a jungle because those seeds, when watered, grew like wild flowers.

The danger in growing wild weeds and flowers and jungles, is when you stop watering them, they may well die, but so do many other beautiful flowers around them.  If you don’t know how to decifer a weed from a flower you kill both.

I’m still learning this lesson.  I still now and again over water a plant and kill it and it makes me sick.  But I also learned how to keep some alive.  This in respect to true plants, and also learning how to do this with my mind seeds and flowers.

When I stopped being bulimic, I also stopped a lot of things.  I stopped worrying about what people thought of me, or the expectations they had of me.  But I also stopped worrying about who I wanted to be.  I even lost all expectations of my own life, which was not so bad in a way, because they were mostly what others expectected of me.  But my own goals in life, no matter how simple they may have been, were not even alive.  They lay dormant with all the other dead seeds.  They were still there, but they weren’t nurtured because I was too afraid that if those flowers grew, so too would the weeds around them.

So many thoughts.  I realized that no matter what I did in life, I would never change how my parents felt about me, or where I stood in their heart in comparison to my other sisters.  Even if they made it a competitive world between the four of us, it didnt’ matter if I was a doctor or a bumb on the street.  I would always be the #3 in their heart from the day I was born.  Nothing I did, in fact, really made them more proud then when I sank to the bottom and then stood up again and made a life for myself again.  They seemed more proud of that then any previous achievement I had in my life that I so worked towards to make THEM happy.  It didn’t matter.  I was always going to be #3.

I have recently been replanting my garden.  I have a new plot that has new soil.  In that garden I am planting what makes me happy.  It’s not to get praise from my parents anymore, or from a husband, or from anyone for that fact.  And if one of the plants I planted dies, it’s okay, because I know other ones will live.  I will learn how to care for them in time.  I will not over water them, and I will not over feed them.  I will do my best, and see what comes of my garden.

And in that garden is a place to sit and watch and enjoy.  And invited to that garden are people who will not judge the flowers that are not doing well, and enjoy the ones that are.  And even more so, enjoy my company and me theirs watching the garden grow.

My thumb may not be truly green, but at least it’s not all brown anymore.

Live, Love, Happiness

Sisters – Friend or Foe and the Delete Button

 

Sisters. I was trying to make sense of all of this.  Where did we start loving or hating each other.  So I made a grid.  I made a grid that I am still working on.  It starts off like this:

THOUGHTS by sister number.  1, 2, 3(me), 4:

#1 BOSSY #2 PUSSY #3 PUSSY #4 BOSSY

#1 MANIPULATIVE #2 NEEDY #3 FRUSTRATED #4 LIAR

#1 DELETE #2 WISH BUTTON #3 LOVE #4 HUG

#1 SLUT #2 KIND HEARTED #3 MIDDLE ROAD #4 CHARISMA

#1 SELFISH #2 GIVING #3 CARING #4 UNSURE

#1 DESTRUCTIVE #2 SELF-DESTRUCTIVE #3 SELF-SABOTAGING #4 LOST

#1 FAKE #2 MARTYR #3 DISILLUSIONED #4 BLATANT

#1 SELF-INTERESTED #2 SELF-INTERESTED #3 SELF-INTERESTED #4 SELF-INTERESTED

#1 TO A FAULT #2 TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL RIGHTEOUS #3 FOR COMPLETION #4 TO EXIST

#1 TRIES TO CONTROL EVERYONE AROUND HER #2 TRIES TO CONTROL HER HOME KINGDOM #3 GIVES UP CONTROL #4 LIVES WITH CONTROL

#1 DISGUSTS ME #2 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY #3 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY #4 LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY

#1 LOOKED UP TO LIKE A DIETY #2 LOOKED UP TO AS A SECOND MOM #3 FELT ALONE BUT NEVER LONELY AND LIKE LOOKING OUTSIDE OF EVERYTHING FROM INSIDE OF SELF #4 WANTED HER TO LOVE ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE FAMILY – PROTECTIVE AND DIDN’T WANT HER TO FEEL WHAT I FELT – BEING LEFT OUT.

#1 FELL OFF A PEDESTAL AND CRASHED AND BURNED #2 ALWAYS A SECOND MOM BUT SADDER FOR HER #3 STILL IN THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT #4 ALWAYS FELT CLOSER EVEN WHEN SHUT OFF BY HER – ONE OF MY LIMBS

So that is my list to date.  I can’t really know where I am in my family until I truly feel what it is that I feel for each and everyone of my sisters and how it shaped my world growing up.

I know my parents, as they are aging, are feeling that it would be a sad thing to see the family fall apart after they leave us.  I can’t say that will happen, but my delete button is staring me in the face with #1 on it.  I have had to suffer the pain of being around this gigantic demon in my life for so many years of so many issues I can’t even begin to write here on this public blog.  She has been the most destructive entity in our family from the day I met her.  But there is no delete button at this time.  I understand my parents.  I have three children of my own.  I know how much my daughter loves her eldest brother and feels as though he is not feeling the same back to her.  I know the feeling of my sons towards each other and towards their sister.  I wish I could have a magic wand and say “hey you will all be good together when I die”.  But I can’t.  And I don’t know what destruction ensued my divorce between them or anyone.  It was an ugly divorce and they were torn.  Each one of them at a different age that would be affected differently and also differently as they grew up and tried to put it all together.

The gigantic delete button would have been my first thing to do as soon as I had a human understanding of life.  If that delete button was available, my children would not have suffered under the horrible acts of #1.

Suffice it to say, I have tried forgiveness in the biggest way.  I tried to list any or all of the good traits of #1.  I failed drastically.  I could only come up with her paying for a birthday dinner she took me out to one night.  That was it.

From her trying to drown my #2 and taking all her friends and boyfriends away, and sitting on the side lines and watching, to her using my #4 and making her do things she should never have had to have done in her teens to make her husband happy, to her having an affair with… many… and ending it with my ex husband.  She was also the one at when I was 16 and she was about to get married, told me I should fast and lose weight because I was too fat at 130 lbs.  I am not blaming her, but she did plant that seed that led to my then five day fast that she put me on, followed by diet after diet to bulimia.  I chose to keep watering the seed she planted, but nevertheless…. She is pure evil.  She is a demon.  I try not to think about it often.  But when I do, I still look for that delete button.

And the sister that would be the one I would call on that is quoted in the picture?  #4