I heard this song and I realized that a big part of my life was lost to my bulimia, and to my self-centeredness and selfishness. I didn’t realize I was any of those, buried in my addiction. At the same time, looking back, I realized how lost I was through those years. I never really knew who I was once my bulimia started. I remember my mother telling me that I was not the Laurie she used to know. She was indeed right. I was not altogether gone, but a big part of that younger Laurie was – lost in the confusion of what it was that had taken over my life, and at times had sabotaged what could have been the most beautiful time in my life.
I won’t say that all was lost. I did have some great times with my children. Unfortunately, sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind me that I did have those.
I know I lost their teenage years to their father. In hindsight, this was likely a good thing. I try to resolve with myself if that was selfish of me to not fight the mammoth harder to have more time with them, but in the end, the fight to do so would have most likely just applied more scars to what already was a nightmare of a divorce and ending of a family unit.
Today I am very happy and I have forgiven myself for many things. I do believe, however, the hardest one is the questions of parenting. But I have to let those go. My sons and daughter have advise me to do so, and to stop being sorry for what might have been. So it is my duty to myself and them to move forward as I am doing, and enjoy every moment I have with them, however brief and few now that they are all young adults.
I end this with the song I was listening to that does make you think…. and realize it is so important to embrace the time we have with family and friends and even more so, with self. For when the times alone are ones that you cherish, it makes it all the more magical to share the love you have for yourself with others you love.