Inside Out

It was shocking to me that a simple sentence would have my daughter come up to me and hug me while saying “I am so happy to hear that!” When all I said impromptu was that I really liked myself and the way I looked except I could work on my belly. I laughed and said I could make a baby butt out if it. The hug was sincere and she told me how happy she was to hear me say that.

My daughter is not a stranger to my years of bulimia. I didn’t want her to be. And I have been as honest as a bulimic could be when I was one to both my sons and my daughter of how it affected my life to the point where when my daughter was I think 12, wrote an essay about eating disorders and referenced me with my consent.

She sees me now. Accepting of myself and who I am. And she came back to stay with me for a short time but I am elated. I am learning so much of now where I am where I too can go like she is doing in a month. But I am taking baby steps. She is inspiring me to do so to the next step up… Whatever that step may be.

I am embracing this time with my daughter like some angel in heaven decided it was time my Karma was over… 🙂 but more so …

9 years ago my daughter left me after being the only one who chose to stay with me after my divorce. I held that precious but losing her in a not so good situation broke my heart. Happy thoughts today.. Like a female Peter Pan (although often played by a female in theatre lol) thought is that this is now full circle to a better good bye when she spreads her wings next month to explore… This time it will be a happy departure with knowing a mother’s love never dies… And nor too that of a daughter’s to a mother who is elated to see her and more so feel her back in her life.

So when she hugged me… I realized I made it. I was good most of all from the inside out rather than the outside in… Where I was at one time …. and happier ever in life to not be there anymore.

 

I Won The Lottery!

I am on a cloud right now.  I can feel, and I can be ecstatic about life.  Not buried in what used to be the need to find solace in food.  As previously noted, I feel free, but I am thinking even beyond those boundaries of what I wrote about.

Tonight I came home and my daughter is temporarily staying with me.  I can’t even tell you how elated I am coming home to family.  It’s been quite some time.  She told me she missed my hugs and cuddles.  She left me when she was 13 to go back to her father and came back two days ago at 22 to say she loved me and missed me.  You cannot even imagine the absolute wonder I felt.  I know there is a biblical story about the sons that stayed with their father, but the elation the father had when the wayward one came back.  It definitely does not mean that you love the sons that stayed by your side any less, it just means you feel your lost sheep has come back to the fold.

My sons are amazing.  They have supported me through my life.  One had stepped away as well for a while but is back.  I had an amazing time with them at the Blue Jays game 14 years after the last time I was with them at one.  This one made me feel special and young and I had an amazing time!!

But here is the thing.  My daughter is a middle child.  My boys did not have to live with me when I was at my lowest.  My daughter chose to.  And today lying next to her is special because when we hug and I hold her in my arms, I am 13 years forward.  I am not bulimic, I have accepted the divorce, and all I know is, and I told her: We all wonder what our purpose on life is.  Mine was to be a mother to them.  I was not perfect, but my love for them always unconditional.  But what is more amazing is that since I have no bulimia in my way, my heart is bigger and bolder and filled with love and understanding.

My daughter in the past three days has been the biggest eye opener to me.  I realized that marathoning Netflix shows is so much more useless then spending time with your children.  I have watched one show only.  Suits.  Sorry.  A bit addicted to that one, but other than that the TV has been off, and we walk and talk and I now write again.  And I go to bed early rather than stupid hours of the night.

I know this is a temporary arrangement, but I will treasure it while I have it.  And she is smart, and funny and I learn from her.  Maybe more than she of me.

And here is my most wonderful part of this.  I am going to see my youngest son to celebrate his 21st birthday on Sunday.  She will be his surprise present.  Along with his Aunt, my sister who we too this weekend have made amends after a few years and planning fun future stuff.

And then Dad who is really doing well after a severe stroke.  And mom’s patience and I saw them too this weekend.

And my ex boyfriend and best friend came in to say hi to me at work….

Someone told me to get a lottery ticket with all this wonder happening.

I don’t need to.  I already won the lottery.

Feeling Comfortable In My Own Skin

I can’t believe it’s been since January that I last blogged.  I since passed my 5 year clean on February 11th and didn’t even blog to celebrate!! I feel like I have come a long way.  I know they say that once a bulimic, always a bulimic, but this is not true.  I have not desire whatsoever to return to that life and am sorry some days for the young me to have endured such a journey.  But in the end it makes me today all the more grateful for my freedom.  And freedom not only from my eating disorder but from so many things in general.  I have a tiny apartment on a beautiful pond, so my possessions are few which is freeing.  I am loving my job which is active and the people there are non-judgmental and wonderful.

I have to say I am even more pleased that I know without a doubt I am recovered.  In May a best friend of mine passed on.  We were together every day for the past year and it was so surreal to not get his texts or his phone calls anymore or to look across the street at his condo and no lights to be seen.  It was an empty place.  At the same time my father that a mild stroke.  July came and dad had another stroke.  This time it was severe.  I am thankful that he is home now and mobile, but his speech is giving him a hard time.  He is completely aware and his memory is perfect, but he can’t find words to express himself.  If anyone knows my dad, that has to be one of the most difficult things for him.  I am so grateful dad is still with us and working hard to pull through this.

So life is good in the present!!