I hate divorces. They are just full of ugliness. I divorced because my ex had an affair first with a best friend then with my sister. Stories here tell these tales and how my eating disorder suffered from the control and the issues. I am healed now, but my daughter is not. Not in the eating disorder sense but in the mental health sense in regards to depression. I get a call today from her and I rarely do so I called her right back after my customer left. She is crying and asking if her father really did have an affair with my sister. OMG!! that was like so many years ago and I am so over it and okay with my sister for my parents’ sake. I have moved one and trying to keep moving on but then my daughter says she wants him to admit to it. I couldn’t do anything but to text her that he always denied it, but that my sister admitted to it and asked for forgiveness and it is what it is. Who knows who is telling the truth? She then texted me he admitted to it. There was a very uncomfortable closure to this. He admitted. He never admitted easily. His firstish affair with a best friend five years before my sister took me forever to find it out and finally he did because he had no choice. I had all the proof. This one I had proof too. Not as significant but enough for my parents to understand my dilemma and it was good enough for me. But this was years ago and I don’t want to bring all this shit up into the fan again for it to fly. My family has been through enough. So why is my daughter so angry that she tells me she was in hospital (because her father didn’t tell me and I am after all her mother, not the one he is living with who is with him for his money), and why bring up what we have closed the doors on other than her needing closure for him to actually admit to this face to face with her?
I am confused, upset, I can’t say angry, but disappointed and want to take my stick and find that piñata I want to hit, but he has always been good at hiding behind his cold exterior. Wait… Pinata!! cold, hard… lol.
I don’t what to do. Dad said to face the devil father face to face and ask how he thinks he is so much more the parent that I am left in the dark like a mushroom. But I am a whimp. I cowarded to him my whole life with him of 22 years of knowing him and 15 of married. So how do I stand up to Galiath? I don’t feel like a David. I can imagine going up against him, but actions are different then imagination. I don’t want to know about his dirty life anymore or why my daughter ends up in a hospital for a month. I would not have let that happen. But he took her from me like he did my boys.
I write to make me feel well. I can’t imagine how my children are trying to deal with that Galiath. He is formidable and gives and provides with monetary, but he doesn’t know the heart. Never did. His needs always came before others. But when he did give it was to make sure it was reflected on him. Jewellery, education that HE paid for, home, furniture, beautiful little lady on his side that just shut up for him to speak.
I don’t hate him, I feel sorry for him.
May he learn the lesson… and it is now in my heart to ask… do I let him keep learning the lesson or do I go and fight for my right to be part of his lesson?
I love my children, but he has built a wall… I can sit back and see if my children choose to break it down, or I can storm through it.
Sleep over means thinking… and coming back to edit this I have chosen to let things slide. I have to let things take their course. Although in my head I can have thoughts of revenge, I can never follow through… thoughts of fighting, but cannot follow through. I am so happy in my life now I don’t want anymore. I have had enough.
Maybe one of my sons will be that David that sets Goliath right. But I am not David. I am a lamb. And I like me that way. And I like who I have become. That my children miss this part of me because they want to ignore me is okay. My eldest still is special in that he goes out of his way to see me, but my other ones, it’s their choice. I now know how my mother felt. In time you will learn what I went through…. so I will let things take their course and believe God knows best. Let it be. In His hands all is best. Afterall, I still have not gone back to bulimia, and I am feeling stronger every year that I don’t turn to it… but more to Him. He is perfectly perfect for me. I love you God. Thank you.
And believe me I am not a bible thumper, or a religious freak. I just … believe. 🙂 Mustard seed.