My Cricket Thing Is Big

Why would a cricket sound mean so much to someone, you may ask?  My answer.  Deafness.  I woke up one morning and wondered why I couldn’t hear the crickets yet the sun was shining and it was summer and they usually made a lot of sound where I lived. I lay there wondering why the silence and no crickets.  Then I spun around to my other side and heard them.  It was then I found out at 38 years of age that I had a hearing impairment.  I couldn’t hear from my right ear.

Tonight there was cricket at my door.  Night time even!! He was loud.  I plugged my left ear and could still hear him or her in my right somewhat deafened ear.  That was how loud he/she was.  I loved the sound.  Turned off the television to listen.  Most people hate the sound of crickets.  It drives them nuts.  Me… it’s a remembory of when I could hear, when indeed I do hear them.  And tonight I thought… maybe… just maybe.. my hearing isn’t as bad any more.  Having given up bulimia, maybe, just may my jaw crackling, jaw numbing from constant chewing may be relieving the tension from my jaw to my muscles around my ears to have me hear a bit better again?  Just a thought… 🙂  Moving into my third world of quarter century… maybe this one, which may be my last, may be the most beautiful…. if nothing else… I can hear crickets again.  And the whistling in my ears (Tinnitus or something???) is quieting as well.  Here is to healing.. 🙂  And maybe a little cricket who is there to make sure you keep your conscience clear as well? 🙂

clipjimidea

Hey Bartender!

Okay, I love this song.  Seriously love this song.  It’s about letting go.  I wouldn’t advocate a bartender, but I do love the rhythm, which is what I dance to, and well, it’s a song that would maybe hit me when I was younger when I could dress up and go out.  Now I just dance to it at home with my dogs.  They actually dance on their two back legs and seriously dance up a storm.  It makes me laugh and move on from anything that may at one point in my life had made me sad or frustrated and instead makes me laugh… moving on… letting go… like letting go of bulimia.. bad relationships… and learning to love me again.  You really don’t need a bartender… but dancing?  definitely!!  Need to dance. 🙂

 

I’ve Got Better Things To Do

Ah ha… so apparently I emailed my ex boyfriend 90 times last night.  He said this to his friend as I was walking by them working.  Yes, you know it, still living next door and still having fun with this weird life.  So I told him “I’ve got better things to do”.  So it reminded me of one of my favorite singers and this is it.  Someone asked me tonight (the wife of his working partner) if I was happy single.  Seriously?  After seeing their fight tonight over a car not done and trying to stop the fight with a kitten in my hand. I brought her over to my little sad but to me castle home.  She asked why they lie.  LOL.  I’ve been through this too many times to even try to explain to another woman why.  There is no answer.  Why do people lie.  In the Chinese community it is a known fact they do this to people when they don’t want to hurt them.  But seriously?  To North American women it doesn’t work. We are just too damn smart.  I’m okay letting the lies go along with the liars now.  Took years.  But what is really nice is I’m not lying to myself anymore.  I used to eat the hurt of those lies and throw them up.  Don’t anymore.  Five years clean and still relatively decent body at what is approaching 52 year of age.  Friends with my food now.  And for the most part my body.  Kind of a neat idea.  Friends with… what is about me.  Still have many fears of how people see me with my aging body and face, my abilities, and still suffer sometimes of depression which I knows stems from fear.  But for some reason, even with some time of depression seeing one of my dear role models in Hollywood take his life, I kind of knew there was something more than just depression.  I thought it was something that was not curable.  Thought cancer.  But it ended up being Parkinson’s disease.  Hate to say it but I understood.  In the bulimia world I kind of kept my life steady with “control”… but did I?  now though I am much more aware of everything around me.  Spent two weeks in a total paranoid feeling of “what if?”  They included loosing my job, my parents, my animals (one died two weeks ago). All encompassing feelings can overwhelm.  But I didn’t return to bulimia.  I did NOT.  I kept telling myself that I have to do something bigger than just falling into a hole again.  Three friends wrote to me from long time ago in this week.  I am visiting one tomorrow after eight years.  And I am going to be travelling alone on my birthday weekend!! Flight is set.  First time in my life travelling alone to a place I have never been before.  Scared, but it’s a place where I know I will finally remove all fears of my life.  Will share when I get back. 🙂  I did it.  I bought a ticket and got time off from work and I’m leaving for four days!! Ahhhh heavy sigh.  Miss you Robin.

Robin