Did I Ever Love Him?

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Interesting thought. I thought I was in love with my ex-husband for the 22 years I knew him yet today wonder if I ever loved him at all! I know I love my children, but 11 years later they are not attached to him anymore in my emotions. And now I guess I know what he meant when I asked for a divorce saying he didn’t love me ever and his response was ‘I think I did at one time’. Hummm. Maybe I understand that comment now because I can’t even remember the kind of love towards him as I had with the second man I loved. It’s a very strange feeling. At least with the second one I remember. I remember the first kiss, the first date. I don’t much remember that with the x-hubby! I can’t remember the chilling amazing feelings on that first kiss. Shit I remember the one of my first boyfriend even!

Was he just a catch back then? Because a bunch of women were after him and he chose me to ask to marry? I don’t know. I seriously don’t know. Or does this happen that you burry the feelings and forget where you buried them never to visit the grave for the memories again? I don’t know. I just don’t know and I wonder. But maybe best to leave that lost grave and not even ponder.

To the second one that is complicated. Not sure if I could ever burry that love only because he is still around and a part of my life. Not sure that is healthy either because he has someone and I don’t and though loving solitude still get an ill feeling when her car is parked in his adjacent apartment’s parking lot. Not sure if the illness is of seeing a married woman drive in every two weeks bringing back bad memories of my past with my ex husband or of the fact he found someone new four years ago ten years younger just like my ex and the memories wreak havoc in my brain. Want to bury again. Not sure where this time that I can forget where.

By the way please look up Nonnetta. The illustration here is hers and all her work is very heartening. I don’t know her, but found her on the Internet. Love her work. She is on Facebook too.

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4 thoughts on “Did I Ever Love Him?

  1. I can identify with this…I do not remember the first kiss with my ex-husband or us holding hands for the first time. I remember it with people before him or after him but not with him. I wonder if I blocked out all the memories of him, the good and the bad?

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