In my last post I spoke to my visit with my daughter. She is majoring in psychology, go figure. Although suffering similar mental health issues, such as depression, as I do, she is much wiser in her attitude towards mental health. She has accepted the fact that it is a disease you did not create, and that there are solutions better than emotional outbursts.
One thing I do know is I am better one on one. A party of three can make me feel left out and then I want to isolate myself. I had brought along my surrogate daughter and the two were connecting in a way I could not. I was frustrated watching a movie while they continually texted and snap chatted. I didn’t feel it was time spent properly. Even more so was if I asked a question about the movie they were too involved with their technology that they wouldn’t hear me, or if I laughed I laughed alone because they weren’t watching.
Then I realized I was like that too when I was younger. I remember my ex complaining that I spent too much time on the computer and or getting up and doing things in between a movie because I couldn’t sit still. I was pre-ADHD diagnosis. Or OCD. Yet to this day I hate those labels. I preferred to think I was an over achiever, a perfectionist in some aspects. But for the most part I was either trying to prove myself or simply lose myself in either technology or if I wanted to slow down, my bulimia. I could actually sit through a movie then only if I could munch through it then get rid of the munchies after the movie. Then I was tired enough from my episode to sleep. But sometimes I would wake a couple of hours later wanting to eat again but needed to do something while I did and I would combine technology and eating hidden away in the basement alone. I wanted to be alone.
Strange thing is I still love to be alone with my dogs. Maybe I was a forced extravert in the mind of an introvert. Or maybe, just maybe, I need a balance to be healthy.
I wore flat shoes today at work, and felt happy. Okay, that is random, but I wonder if that is too something I need to realize. That flats make me happy. I actually felt like dancing! :). Best day at work ever and my colleagues even noticed.
Was it my need to get away combined with having seen my beautiful daughter who helped me put things in perspective? Was it my prayer to God and Jesus for peace and strength? Was it my writing my feelings? Was it all the above to make this day so fun? Even through adversity?
Really? I don’t know, but I hope the words that flowed through my head today – forgive yourself, don’t think about the past or the mistakes you make or the worry of what others are saying about you, just wake up and believe today will be good, and something in the day will be good and focus on that, and end each day thanking God for my three children, three dogs, two cats, my smile, my ability to laugh and go to bed praying for nice dreams and a good night sleep. 😉
Little surprises, like this opossum my dad found in his tree that he was going to cut branches off of but changed his mind when the face looked at him, are moments most cherished. Little surprises that can change your outlook on life.
I have felt old and ugly and stupid for too long. I have listened to the insults and soaked them in like a sponge. No more. No more. Time to focus on little surprises. 🙂