Because of Me!!

Because of me my daughter is closed up, and fearful. Because of me. Like Kelly Clarkson’s song Because of You. She is right. And I have no regrets other than her seeing me cry. But I saw my mother cry. And as much as we tell ourselves we will never let it go that far we do. That’s what love is about.  And although we are told not to cry, we do anyway. And a heart not full fills up later in life when you realize that the most important love is not what you fall into, but what has always been there.  I learned this when I became clean. When I let bullimia go realizing it was something I held onto in hopes I could look perfect for  my man. I let him go and I don’t need any one. But I do them. My parents, my children, my dear friends. Those people who opened my eyes. And I hope my daughter plays it safe without however feeling these things:

Not trusting herself – don’t care about her not trusting others if it is from the gut

Feeling pain like she saw me go through

My mistakes

Break like I did (but if she does knows I’m here to hold her up)

Being afraid.

Losing her heart. Even if you shelter it, it comes back knowing who really matter.  Because they matter.

How it felt feeling so strong with her there, but as a mother, I hope her daughter doesn’t feel her pain that she felt when I leaned on her for comfort.

A special daughter who kept me alive, and a big reason, along with my sons, and my parents why I quit not only my bulimia, but also being so selfish thinking closing myself off was the answer.  It’s not.  The ones who love you need you to open up… and my mother who taught me to be careful and some of what I taught my daughter has mellowed and I lived to see it.  Hear it.  Mom turns 80 this year and sometimes seems younger than me now.  There is closure.  There is.

I am lucky enough that my mother is still alive to close these issues…

but I will never be sorry for teaching her not to stray too far from the sidewalk, learn to play on the safe side not to get hurt….

But I never taught her not to cry or to fake a smile.  I always taught her to be real.  And she is.  She makes me smile.  Sometimes I wish I was her.

I used to listen to this song with sorrow. Now I know it has words we all face in the face of our mothers.   If I live long enough she will see what I ended up seeing in my mother. But can’t promise that. 😉

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