Sometimes I felt that if I just got small enough when I was bulimic that I would disappear, yet it was also rooted in the need for attention. I just wanted to be loved. I remember when I had my son and gained twenty pounds, I told my husband I was going to lose the weight. He said don’t do that because then you will be perfect again. So I did. He didn’t understand my need for perfection and those words were so wrong. But with the stress of caring for my first child with no family around I did indeed lose it with bulimia mixed with major working out. Looking back I feel sorry for that young lady who’s husband could have simply said, whatever you want, but I love you the way you are now.
In hindsight it is clear it’s what he liked. He left me for someone 10 years younger and tiny. So did my next long time boyfriend. But today that no longer upsets me because I know they were not right for me. I do keep fit but for me! And my now extra 15 lbs. will not get the better of me. And I will find someone who doesn’t need perfection – but will understand the love I could provide in a loving and accepting relationship. Perfection is unattainable. Loving the other for their perfections in your mind and even more so for their imperfections that make them who they are is the best. I know I will find that someday. I won’t settle for less. 🙂