Amazing how tonight I managed to not let one of my enemies affect my recovery. Jealous people. In this particular case my ex-boyfriend, who I wrote about before. Things are going okay, but when he gets in a certain mood, he starts to accuse me of having a boyfriend and gets all angry. Yet he has a girlfriend. Now this shouldn’t bother me, but it does because it gets in the way of our friendship which is good 85% of the time. I used to, when we were together, get so upset that I would eat and purge. Now I just tell him to leave, if he is visiting me, or just hang up the phone if it’s a call. I have no time for this Othello Syndrome attitude. I am free, single and happy that way, but I shouldn’t have to explain myself to him. I have no use for ridiculous accusations. I know that this is his issue and I shouldn’t make it mine. But at times I do, him being a friend for years. I know he has abandonment issues, and I believe I have figured out that it is a fear he is verbalizing in the wrong way that he is afraid that if I do end up with a boyfriend, I will no longer be there for him. Fear of abandonment. I don’t like the toxic 15% of this friendship, and at times I want to just end it all, but our friendship is so strong that it’s hard to walk away from that. I suddenly see things clearer now that I don’t have my bulimia. I tend to be more aware of others’ issues and pains and can understand them better, rather then get upset, eat the frustration, and then purge it. It’s a tougher road to take though. It’s not that I don’t get upset now. I still do. But I am living on my own, so I have time to digest the situation. I can go through the emotional settling after an accusation, assess the situation, and realize the reasons for it. For instance, the other night he came by and wanted to watch a movie. I was on the phone. I let him in while finishing my conversation and he became frustrated that I didn’t hang up right away. I was disturbed by this, but then realized his incredible need for uninterrupted attention. I explained that I do not do this to him when he is on the phone with his friends, and that he has to learn to be more tolerant as a friend. He left for a while, then returned to watch the movie. I had figured he wouldn’t return, but I found out later that his girlfriend was out with her girlfriends and he was lonely. This man cannot be alone. He needs someone to give him full attention all the time. I do feel sorry for him, because it’s a sign of insecurity which he has yet to overcome. In this, I do have to say, my being single has been a very positive part of my recovery. I have been able to focus on myself, and learn more about myself. And in so doing, open to listening and learning more about others.
I’m not saying I am planning on staying single. Someone there would be nice, I suppose. But not right now. I’m enjoying this solitude. I have the choice of being with someone or being on my own, and there are no expectations, other than the ones I place on myself. At this point in my life I have made those expectations reasonable. I will no longer expect too much of myself. I will expect the best for myself.
p.s. this last line reminds of Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations. I remember reading it in High School. It had a profound effect on me. Maybe more than I would have expected it would.