I mentioned earlier in one of my posts that I cried a lot over the past few days. A lot. I suppose some people cleanse with diets, mine seem to come with tears. Tears for everything I have done wrong to others, to my children, to myself. Tears of awareness. I sometimes feel as though when these lows are happening I will never pull through. Then suddenly it’s like my last post. An Epiphany!! A realization that this is what I needed to do to mourn my frustrations and anger, pain, sorrow. During the time of mourning it becomes so real and so required to face up to. After 10 days of mourning, I feel better. Maybe because I wrote it out, maybe because of my angry friend, maybe because of the music I have been listening to that is empowering rather than depressing. Maybe… because in my last post I realized for once I didn’t go back to my eating disorder for answers, but rather chose to write. Maybe, just maybe, I needed to do this. Cleansing my soul of whatever was disturbing its peace. I am sure I will go through more. I didn’t allow my spirit to feel for so many years that it now comes out in not just waves, but title-waves.
I realized too that I don’t have an answer to anything that becomes the consequence of my choices or behaviour. All I know is that I love me such that the only way to get over the criticisms, the judgements, etc. is to make sure I look in that mirror every morning.
Found a funny today on Facebook. It was about wanting to kiss someone so much that the pressure of the kiss broke the mirror.
Don’t let others make you feel weak, old, ugly, stupid, crazy… etc. Their words can be like swords… but then you have to go straight to that mirror and kiss the one who loves you most… you. And then it all becomes okay.
I forgot about myself over the past few days and focussed on others again, like I’m good at doing… Saw their pain, frustration, anger… and took it all in. Took me 10 days to cry them all out. I don’t want to do that again. It’s painful. I don’t want to shut them out, but what I do want to do is remember… and I’ll say it again… to kiss that beautiful woman in the mirror every morning and tell her she is beautiful and will be with me ’til death do me part.