It’s a mystery to me why I can feel so grateful for so long, then one day, the wall falls down. I’m an optimist, so I believe I can take the bricks and place them back, but then again, at my age, I sometimes feel the 500 Internal Server Error. I fail to pull through in that moment I need to the most because my internal server has failed. 500? that is a small number of failures compared to those in my life. Try agains and making up for those are thrice that number, if not more. I write today in a state of depression. Yet, in elation that this has not brought me back to my eating disorder. It has been more of an internal (yes… server error) that is trying to piece the pieces of my life puzzle together. I’m tired. I fear for my future that has no existence at this point, but that when I look ahead, I can’t even see the light of a train on a railway track. I can’t see anything but today. I don’t understand my daughter who has the “whole world in her hands” at 19. I believed I could conquer anything then. But at 50 I’m tired. At 40 even I had the will, and the resistance, but not now. I’m over my mid-life and heading down a hill to I don’t even know to where. Feels like death is at my door and really the only thing I bring with me anyway is the love I have felt on this earth. I was a “success” and lost it all, more than twice. I don’t think I want that anymore. I want normalcy. But I can’t seem to find the last thing I want before I die. So I’ve been crying a lot. A lot!! And I have friends, but not worth sending this message out to. I don’t like depressing people around me, so why would I burden them with my depression at this time?
I’m trying to find positives. My friend wrote me, when I explained I feel this:
“I feel like a failure to my family, to my parents, to my friends,… and although I have the spirit to keep going within myself, I’m still embarrassed about my failures. I try not to think about them… but it’s so complicated. I try to look forward, but I have fears. I have nothing to sustain myself with. ……”
She wrote back:
“No fucking way I’m going to accept you as a “failure”! No freakin’ way! First of all you are probably the most talented girls I know in every way! You play the flute, you write poetry like its as easy as breathing, you’re super smart, you know a lot about everything, good in math and science, can sew, paint, doodle, draw, you’re funny, beautiful, and incredibly loyal!!! There’ s more I’m sure but you better get the point and get you act together! You really did get dealt a shitty hand I know that…I really do. But you are all those things I said and you have to believe that and get the strength to climb out of the ditch. There’s no way with all your brains and talent you can’t do it!! I say this with love and anger”
It was then I realized I cannot explain the pain nor the ditch I’m trying to dig out of. No matter how I want to describe it. I once thought the “pen” could reflect all the internal turmoil one feels in life at any one time and then release it having been able to “pen” it. But I’m not so sure anymore. I understand her anger… but yet that does nothing for me.
Truth be known I feel as though I am becoming my daughter. As strange as that sounds, I feel as though I am taking on her burden and the feeling of what she is feeling and it is devastingly painful. I just hope she placed her pain on me and is released of it herself. I am old, I’ve lived a full life. She has yet to. She should not feel this way.
No compliments from my friends, or parents, or children can make up for what I did wrong. Bullimia ruined a huge part of my world. It was my choice. I made that decision and today I am paying for it within my soul.
Good news is, I turned my back to it through period of self reflection and pain and tears. At one time I would have gone to it for solace. But alas, it is the enemy that haunts me today….
Have your ever felt like this?….