Under Roses

I’m not in bad mood per say, but I’ve had something occur to me about the coming week. There a lot of things on my mind in general. (The sol positive thought is my excitement about possibly starting a college path and career path into Game Writing.) I still have to take my prozac but I didn’t want to drink anything until I weighed myself.

81.6lbs; my BMI is 14.69

I’m getting ready to go out for Brunch with Z and actually that friend who was involved in the threesome incident (which has long been forgot, buried and never spoken of again.) The past is not important, I don’t really care but we are going to this place where I love their food. I just can’t do it though. I won’t be able to hold that down. We are hanging out with this friend because he just found out bout…

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Are Men and Women the same when it comes to eating disorders?

I’ve been reading about men and women and eating disorders.  I know that some of this all comes at the beginning from a want to “look” a certain way as society expects you to.  But having read some of the male issues, I’m wondering.  We, both genders, suffer from physical issues, but more so we also suffer from emotional issues, which are, in my opinion, the reason that an eating disorder grows into something more than just physical.  It becomes mental.  I don’t mean that in a mean way, I mean it as it becomes a subconscious search for why it is that the transformation of our body becomes so important, and so negative.  Why would a man who was so physically fit decide to not eat and lose all that weight?  Why would a woman who is so beautifully well endowed decide to lose all that weight.  Marilyn Monroe would not lose that weight, neither would Elizabeth Taylor.  Their beauty was based on their womanhood.  I can’t really think of anyone today to equate that beauty to, but I can equate The Rock not wanting to lose his weight, or my wonderful love of my life in movies Billy Crystal.  But you look at Justin Bieber and wonder why he needs those abs to make women like him?  Or any other guy who not only has the abs but is underweight!!  Are women coming back and telling the men that now they need to have a six pack to equate to their size “0”?  Interesting.  This type of competition is pathetic and the media still feeds it to the young, and the older.  Please do tell how many 50 year olds are on television without either botox or some kind of fixing up that is not done just naturally.  Unbelievable world we live in.  Wish I lived in the time when Ruben painted the most beautiful women, and the men didn’t care about their six packs.

Long Time of Lows

I mentioned earlier in one of my posts that I cried a lot over the past few days.  A lot.  I suppose some people cleanse with diets, mine seem to come with tears.  Tears for everything I have done wrong to others, to my children, to myself.  Tears of awareness.  I sometimes feel as though when these lows are happening I will never pull through.  Then suddenly it’s like my last post.  An Epiphany!!  A realization that this is what I needed to do to mourn my frustrations and anger, pain, sorrow.  During the time of mourning it becomes so real and so required to face up to.  After 10 days of mourning, I feel better.  Maybe because I wrote it out, maybe because of my angry friend, maybe because of the music I have been listening to that is empowering rather than depressing.  Maybe… because in my last post I realized for once I didn’t go back to my eating disorder for answers, but rather chose to write.  Maybe, just maybe, I needed to do this.  Cleansing my soul of whatever was disturbing its peace.  I am sure I will go through more.  I didn’t allow my spirit to feel for so many years that it now comes out in not just waves, but title-waves.

I realized too that I don’t have an answer to anything that becomes the consequence of my choices or behaviour.  All I know is that I love me such that the only way to get over the criticisms, the judgements, etc. is to make sure I look in that mirror every morning.

Found a funny today on Facebook.  It was about wanting to kiss someone so much that the pressure of the kiss broke the mirror.

Don’t let others make you feel weak, old, ugly, stupid, crazy… etc.  Their words can be like swords… but then you have to go straight to that mirror and kiss the one who loves you most… you.  And then it all becomes okay.

I forgot about myself over the past few days and focussed on others again, like I’m good at doing… Saw their pain, frustration, anger… and took it all in.  Took me 10 days to cry them all out.  I don’t want to do that again.  It’s painful.  I don’t want to shut them out, but what I do want to do is remember… and I’ll say it again… to kiss that beautiful woman in the mirror every morning and tell her she is beautiful and will be with me ’til death do me part.

 

Epiphany! Love that word. Now time to move forward! Put the Petals Back On The Rose… My Rose. Me.

Although this is not the version I would have made, I do have to give accolades to the person who created this video. To me, however, I would be standing before a mirror and putting my petals back on my rose… me.