When Someone Tells You “This Song is For You For New Years” and You Think “WHAT???” The Answer:

“Do I”

Baby, what are we becoming? Ask yourself that – you are the one…
It feels just like we’re always running – doing this.
Rolling through the motions every day

I could lean in to hold you
Or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way – How could I care when you love someone else???

What happened to that girl I used to know? You messed up her head!!
I just want us back to the way we were before – what?? Calling me nasty names and fighting?  Oh, we’re not together anymore and that still happens!!!

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby? Used to.
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy? Used to.
Do I have your love? Am I still enough? You should ask yourself that one.  I’m obviously not enough because you need two women in your life.  And I don’t want to be one of the two.
Tell me, don’t I? Or tell me, do I, baby I think you know the answer.  You don’t.  You like too much “v” for me.

Give you everything that you ever wanted? Sometimes for work to keep my educational brain going, but my sanity you destroy every time you look for your fight.
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely? You’ll never be lonely.  You can’t stand being alone (a Jerry MacGuire issue).  You have Moon and if you need your second love, I’m sure your ex-girlfriend or estranged wife would run to you.
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life? Not on our friendship, but anything else related to intimate relationship emotions, yes.
Baby, do I?

Remember when we didn’t have nothing Not really.  I had something, you had nothing, then now you have something and I have nothing, but I have myself.  And that is more important than material stuff.
But a perfect simple kind of loving? After the first month it was never simple!!
Baby, those sure were the days What?? 30 days of wonderful, then the rest fights, names, ugly ugly ugly, then you and your need for more than one woman at one time?? Hummm.  Are you living in reality or a fantasy?

There was a time our love ran wild and free and psychotic!! It was never healthy like you and Moon (apparently)
But now I’m second guessing everything I see! You should!! Look in the mirror dude (sorry I know you hate that word 🙂.)

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby? Refer to the above answers for the rest of this song…
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?
Do I have your love? Am I still enough?
Tell me, don’t I? Or tell me, do I, baby

Give you everything that you ever wanted?
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life?

Baby, do I still give you what you need?
Still take your breath away?
Light up the spark way down deep?
Baby, do I?!

Whoa! Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby?
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?
Do I have your love? Am I still enough?
Tell me, don’t I? Or tell me, do I, baby

Give you everything that you ever wanted?
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life?
Tell me baby, do I get one more try? Do I? Hummm.  Let’s see.  Gave my Ex-Husband 3 chances and he struck out.  You, I gave more.  Twice back to your estranged wife, once to your strange lady, and then two years of lies with your married lady.  Ah, it would be a duh, and an L on my forehead to say you have another chance.  Think it’s time for me to give myself one more try – alone, and learning to be who I am.  Liking this so far!! So really, even if we do end up talking, truth be known, odds are, “it ain’t gonna happen baby”.
Baby, do I?

You can claim you love me, but you never show it in action.  You can claim you are f’d up but that is not an excuse.  If you know you are f’d up do something about it.  When you have come to your senses, then maybe we can talk.  Until then, keep with Moon and leave me to live my life, as you do freely.  I deserve the same respect.  I don’t want to interfere in your life, never do never have.  I am not jealous of what you have with Moon, but at times angry because you just lie all the time and you come around and bruise me, but never have you laid a hand on her.  You get me going, and then you enjoy the fight.  But of course, how could you ever lay a hand on someone who’s brother lives with you and who would have to answer to a husband?  I have no one to answer to, except my children and my parents if they ask, which I then have to lie, like you do all the time.

It’s funny how you claim to buy me things all the time, but forget that I buy my own when I have the money, and oh, it’s like I have never helped you find work, or ever asked for more than the days I do get something the equivalent of $13 for a day of work.  In the last three four months I brought in over $8000 of work for you (all profit!).  Work  4 to 6 hours a day calling your suppliers, following up with your customers on the phone and on the internet which I pay for (both my phone and internet).  I never complained until recently I realize you are bitching about everything and I can’t wait to start my job and leave you to run your own business on your own.  I obviously add no value to it in your mind.   This is what you reflect.  Me = no value.  Hummm… I don’t think I’m the only one that you do that to.  Forget think!! I know!! I’ve seen you work people then just complain and walk away to visit your Moon and leave us to do your dirty work then just come back and complain about everything!

You are not a king in this poor kingdom of people trying to make it.  And you have no right to degrade them and patronize them.  I had enough of that from ex-husband, I don’t need it from you.

So, to end this… again… figure out your f’d up life and then we can talk.  Until then I love your friendship, and helping you out if you can manage to put value to my time that I put in.  If not, we can just end everything all together, and I can move away and you can use my place as a love nest for your married adulterous.

Sex just screws things up (pardon the pun), except with you and Moon apparently.  So keep it this way.  Keep her as your girlfriend, and leave me to be your “Sally” in the movie “When Harry Met Sally”.  Let’s be friends.  I know you can do that.  And if you can’t then, I understand.  It would be a ex-husband thing again.  My, I never realized how much the two of you are similar.  Only difference is he may have cause me issues physically, you do it mentally – oh and well, when you think you own me and expect sex from me… well guess that is physically too.  Never think you are any better!!  You hate me for denying you.  Well, it’s my body babe.  Go find another sucker for your lollipop.

I am not interested in a relationship, so your jealous BS, Othello Syndrome crap can be thrown out the window.  What I am interested in is getting my life together, working, making some money to be able to take my children away on a trip, to be able to feel that I don’t need to ask for anything anymore.  That I AM self-sufficient.  That to me is the most important thing in my life right now.  Not having another controlling idiot in my life.  I just want to be me, when I want, go where I want when I want, to be able to get out and not expect anyone to have to drive me somewhere, something that seems to be a control thing too.  I WANT MY INDEPENDENCE BACK!!!

So there you go.  You asked.  My New Year’s Eve song?  Think this one you said was for me works better for you to give to your Moon.

Laurie Ann And while I’m at it, drop the Ann okay?  Reminds me of your Loki, Othello combo mean streak.

This is my song to me:

“This Is My Now”

There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end

Baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
I can’t believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now.

Had to decide was I gonna play it safe
Or look somewhere deep inside
and try to turn the tide
Find the strength to take that step of faith

And I have the courage like never before, yeah

I’ve settled for less but ready for more

Ready for more

This is my now!!!

Don’t Waste Your Time!

This is different than most of my posts, and can be a bit graphic, so if you don’t like reality, please don’t read this!!  But I need to vent tonight on this.  My New Years Resolution.  Stronger – mightier – and taking care of ME!!

I told myself I wouldn’t have a New Years Resolution, but I lied.  I do have one.  That is to respect myself, my morals, my beliefs, myself.  Yes, myself twice over.  I lived a life of letting myself (yes again) accept less than what I am worth.  For too long I hung around men who had inflated values of their own life, inflated egos and degraded me and all those around them, men who put themselves before others, made themselves martyrs (and those who didn’t know them believed them), and if they didn’t get what they wanted, became abusive, either mentally or physically.  Again, not just with me, but with all those around them.cheating-men-88x88

Someone asked me how I managed to attract these controlling men.  Good question.  And here is my good answer:

I was bulimic for many years, then I went through a divorce, then lost all my material possessions, and was on a spiral for most of my life.  This made me through much of my time on earth – a target.  I was weak.  I was vulnerable.  I was, behind the facade of being strong, afraid.  Afraid of taking a stand, of fighting the “bully”.

I lived through two loves that ended up having affairs with married women on a long term while they lied and were with me.  When I found out I didn’t approve, but I wanted to try to make things right because I loved them. (me =sucker)

NO MORE.  If a married person wants to have an affair it affects everyone.  Spouse, children, on both sides.  And it destroys the morals of the one that tries to make it work that doesn’t believe in the crap about humans not being able to be monogamous, which most men like to use as an excuse.  Personally, I like the females (two in my world of affairs) that stated they can’t leave their spouse because they are Christian.  Hummm.  Is that a dichotomy?

My life is wonderful being on my own, and I wish some day I can find someone with the same values and morals as I hold for myself (yes again).  Until then I have made my point.  My strength in the last couple of years is knowing that I won’t settle for less.  Better alone and loving myself (yes again) for standing up to my beliefs and values and morals than to love someone who obviously doesn’t love himself enough to know how to be alone and or with only one person only or to dignify the value of marriage.

Those people who think they can validate their stupidity with excuses are just an excuse for being alone someday.  Lies are evil. Self-denial destructive.  By the way, to the men?  Keep your Vagina Lollipop away from those who don’t care to suck on it.  As a child I was taught not to share a lollipop.

To anyone who thinks running away from reality by having a married person or even just an affair on the side (wow, secretive, it’s so exciting! kind of mentality), and wanting to stay with the one you are suppose to be with is the dream of a perfect life?  Think again.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.
Scottish author & novelist (1771 – 1832)”
p.s. Vagina Lollipop is my word.  And as the poem goes, “yes I wrote…” and mine is the Vagina Lollipop, I Wish I never wrote it, but I can tell you anyhow, I’ll kill you if you quote it. 🙂  Anyone who knows the Purple Cow poems will know this.  And your sweetheart?  Yes, nice body, but not nice morals!! Her poor husband!  If he only knew his lollipop was not the only one she sucked on.

Did I Do This To My Daughter, Like My Mom Did To Me??

Dear daughter,

This song made me think a lot.  Not just about my own youth, but worse yet what I put you through.  When I was hurting I did lean on you and you were way too young.  Please, do learn and don’t make the same mistakes, stay safe like I taught you, but don’t shut down your heart like I did.  I love you so much and thank you for having been a big reason I made it through my pain.  I didn’t want to pass it on to you.  So I hope, like this video, that you learn, my pain was not yours.  It was mine and I was selfish in thinking it didn’t affect you.  Your beautiful smile helped me along the way to where I am today.  You are special in more ways then you will ever know.  Make sure your ending is like this video.  Don’t carry my burdens, and don’t make any of your own.  Love like there is no tomorrow, live like there is no tomorrow, but more than anything know that even if my mom taught me to be cautious, and then me pass that on to you, there are no absolutes no matter how hard you try to protect yourself.  So go out there, and know that if you do get hurt?  I am there to hold you.  We all get hurt.  The biggest lesson is how we deal with it.  I wasn’t really good at it.  I hope you aren’t either.  Because no one should be good at it.  It’s not something we are defined to deal with, but tears, love and hugs just make it more bearable.  And yours helped me.  I hope you never need me to give you back what you gave me, but know, in your heart, that if you do… I’m here… always.  I love you so much!!

 

My Facebook New Year’s Eve Posts :) 2012

#1

Just thinking… kind of weird. Out of all my longest time friends, I’m the only divorced one. What the??? LOL Reflecting on this 2013 coming in. I would have been married 25 years. Loved him for 32. Hummmm. But am I happy? Yes. Did I do the right thing? Yes. Am I ready to move on? Yes. Do I sometimes envy my friends? Yes, but, I am happy and know my children know it. So at the end of it all, I thank God for my life, for the choices I made, learned from, moved on from and look forward to? TOMORROW!! WELCOME 2013!!

#2

Waiting with my dogs for City TV to start at 10 pm the countdown to saying goodbye to one of the most amazing years of my life. From Turkey with my family, an amazing counselor who taught me how to be the “me” I am, to my friends and family who helped me through my tough times, my friends and family who shared my 50th birthday, and my children who came to be with me on Christmas for time alone, even but for just over an hour. A magical year of rebuilding, completions, and taking this to 2013. I won’t be naive in thinking 2013 will and can be as beautiful as 2012, which I leave with happiness, but I do hope for all of us, a beautiful year full of random acts of kindness, health, love, and appreciation for self and others. I truly wish you all a very very Happy New Year! To all of you here who I have not seen in many years, but keep in touch, thank you. You made me smile, sometimes cry, reflect, and connect. To my parents, thank you for being there for me, my sisters, I love you all, my children, you are my life, my animals, you keep me sane, and to my sweet friends, always in my heart as well. Hugs to all of you, and I would go on forever if I had to thank Tony, Rena, Brent, etc. etc. to always being there. My Viv for coming back into my life… Okay. Time is running out and I have a blog before I finish here. Hugs to all and again HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!! KEEP IN TOUCH!

I enjoyed reading these again this morning.  Testimonial that with faith, love and hope, anything is possible!

Happy New Year!

To all my friends out there, thank you for reading my posts, and I hope to have many more in the year to come.  It was another successful year for me, possibly the most wonderful year I have had in a long time.  I managed to get counseling and resolving many issues.  I might say that it would have been beneficial years ago, but time is always on my side, and it was right.  I completed my two programs, and tests, and am now registered for a Masters in Handwriting Analysis.  I am so excited and feel so great.  I started working out just before Christmas again and made it through with flying colors!  I even have to say that I didn’t even compare myself with my sisters at all, and can’t even tell you what they were wearing on Christmas Eve.  I know this sounds petty, but I have three sisters and grew up in a very competitive environment, intellectually, physically, etc.  Christmas Eve was fantastic, starting with my three children at my home alone with me for the first time in seven years. (all together).  Then off to my parents, and although it wasn’t a winter wonderland, it was truly magical.  I do feel that 2012 helped me in complete forgiveness, and even forgetfulness (in the good way), knowing how to love myself, and so now I know I will be able to love others totally and completely.

So to all of you out there, may 2013 bring much love, health and happiness!