Pain Inside vs Bulimia – Are you numbing yourself to what is important to feel?

Tonight I had a bad experience, almost and I mean very almost wanting to eat my emotions because they were so strong but I didn’t know what they were.  Then I went and stood in front of my mirror, realized my body looked great, and went back to my bed and said NO and then cried like a baby, feeling an extreme choking feeling in my throat.  I knew something was wrong emotionally and I needed to figure it out.  I cried then thought of my daughter and was worried horribly about her.  I texted her.  She said she was fine and I said I didn’t think so at all because I felt too much pain.

I had a wonderful evening with my family last night at my father’s 80ths birthday, my son’s were there and my Aunt and Uncle and my two cousins I hadn’t seen in 9 years.  All was beautiful, mom was awesome, my sisters were amazing.

So this why I was wondering why I was feeling I wanted to eat away something?  Which when I realized it was emotional eating and wanting to go and throw it up (which I know is an indication of something much more now and able to stop it in its track) I knew it was something serious.

I texted her again.  She finally admitted she wasn’t fine.  And I knew I wasn’t either not being there with her.  Not being able to deal with what she has been struggling through, not being able to see her at that family reunion.  She was the piece of my puzzle missing and I guess that emptiness, fear, hurt, and worry took over me today.

I’m proud to say I knew something bigger than my wanting to eat was affecting my life.  And I pin pointed it.

Was there a resolution? No.  A solution? Yes.  Stay strong, stay focused, and follow up the next day to make sure she is okay.

My mother’s instinct kicked in and not eating it and throwing it up made for a much stronger person in me. 

I’m 50.  I feel like I was 18 again trying to numb something I was feeling in this moment tonight that lasted one hour.  It was an hour of hell.  I don’t want to go back.  But at least I know now enough that it is signalling something much more than the want of food.  This time it was about my daughter.  And I’m proud to say that being able to feel this and get passed it knowing it IS A SIGNAL OF SOMETHING MORE THAN FOOD has been great.

Stand in the mirror, look at your body and realize this is not what this is about!!  It’s something bigger than that.

I love you baby.  Wish I had been able to know the signals earlier.  But now it’s about knowing them and moving forward and making sure I listen to my emotions, my attachment to you, my instincts to my attachment to my children and knowing how to read that.

Please, call me tomorrow.  I need to hear your voice.  Mom

0 thoughts on “Pain Inside vs Bulimia – Are you numbing yourself to what is important to feel?

  1. I know how it feels, so let me say SUPER well done! You put LOVE (in this case for your daughter) before FEAR (of accepting & expressing your feelings)! And that’s the key. I’m with you & wish you a looooot of sunshine, Mira

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