Today is my nephew’s birthday. He passed away five years ago of cancer at the age of 23. So why would I be happy? Because during his time on this earth he taught me what being happy was about. It was about the people who surround you. Not possessions, although some entertain you like technology, one thing we did have in common. No we had a lot in common. We cared. We cared about others. Maybe sometimes too much, but is there such a thing? I don’t think so. Some people tell me that is my downfall. Caring, trusting, loving. I doubt that.
During my bullimia I didn’t know how to love to the core of my heart, to know how to hurt by loving. My divorce was painful and I relied on my daughter to keep me alive to know that I was waking up to someone there that I loved. But my bullimia blurred me from the fact that although I was hurting I couldn’t feel it and didn’t want to. I just ate up the hurt and threw it up. I didn’t stand up to the pain I was feeling, I just ate it and threw it up, and when I wasn’t doing that I was relying on my poor daughter to lean on.
A very bad combination. One that 10 years later makes you cry. But luckily, albeit my daughter disappeared from my life for a few years, has returned and we can talk about my misgivings. I am lucky she forgave me, and so to my two boys. I ended up at the end of the divorce running away and abandoning all three of them. Afterall, I thought, they chose to live with dad. I didn’t understand the dynamics. I do now and I know, although I found myself through my journey in life, my journey affected them.
You can’t go back and make it better. But you can go forward and make it better.
Through my struggles I found me and learned to love me which gave me the opportunity to understand. It hurts to hurt, but it’s great to love more so and to engage again. You can’t make up for your past mistakes, but you can, in what time you have left, make things better.
Finding self love was the best thing I could have found. It made me realize I don’t “need” anyone and if someone comes along (not in any rush) it will be because I chose to have that someone there with me. Not a want, not a need, a choice.
Final word – choices are those whom I know bless me in good ways. Family, special friends and my animals. Not materialistic stuff, except the odd technological ability to reach those I care for and pictures and memorabilia. Otherwise simplicity is what makes me happy. Oh and health and laughter.