There was a time I felt that counselling could do me no right. Although Suzanne Tarbutt was my first one for my eating disorder, and was a beautiful lady, there still was always something missing. Could it be that it was because the counselling was ABOUT my disorder…. not about me. Now there is a thought. Strange to think that this came to me some 27 years later. My present counsellor has been teaching me a lot. And strange to say, she earned my trust because she started with me. What was wrong? Why was I suffering of severe anxiety? What brought me to that place?
First meeting… about me. I was confused about this concept. Not about anything else but me. Strangest thing to think about when most of your life you thought about them. Not me. Them. The ones you wanted to prove you wouldn’t let down, be someone that they would be proud of, that you wouldn’t hurt, that would prove through all the volunteering that you cared, to try to prove, prove, prove to others instead of proving to myself.
I lost me. I lost the love for me. This was the first thing that amazed me. This beautiful person in front of me, that knew no one in my life or anything about what had happened to me just wanted to listen. What a gift. Her kind green eyes watched as I sat there not knowing why I was there, or what I was looking for being there. Guess somewhere deep inside of me it was me I was looking for. But I didn’t know that then.
She started with a family tree. The relationship between all of us. My parents and four sisters together. That alone took three sessions. I won’t go into it, but it was before a very important trip my parents had planned for maybe us being together as just the six of us for the last time. She understood that my need to deal with the different dynamics were important. If you read my history you will understand. Anyway, that was the beginning.