It’s not that I want to live this way all the time, but sometimes I’m forced to. I know that sounds strange, but my ex-boyfriend rents me a place and when his friends come around I have to stay hidden in the back room. Not allowed to show my face. For the most part I don’t mind it, but today it’s sunny out and I wanted to go sit in the sun. But I’m not allowed to because one of his ugly weird friends dropped by and I’m in shorts, so I had to hide away my legs. NO JOKE. I’m staring outside the window wishing they would just leave so that I could enjoy the sunshine. It’s not likely to happen too soon, so I’ll just enjoy the breeze here in the kitchen coming in the window.
Music is now blaring while they party in the other side of the building. The other side that I have to access to get outside. Ugh. My dogs are out there but I’m not allowed to go and see them either. I’m no allowed. 49 years old and I’m in the hands of a dictator to my pathetic lonely life. Lonely in a way, not alone. I love myself, I don’t mind my company, but the rest of this bullshit sucks. I hate him. I hate him so much sometimes I want t cry. But then on the other hand, he’s helped me out, so what can I do? I can’t find another place to live where at night everyone goes home and there is nothing but silence which to me is golden. Stars in the sky, wake up with the beautiful sunrise and peace until about 10 a.m. when they stroll back in again for a day that usually ends at 5 p.m., sometimes 7 p.m. Sundays are usually all mine. Just me, the sun when there is sun, the birds, the dogs, the cats. Solitude.
I’m sending this out right now because the one thing I want the most I am not allowed to have. Sunshine.