I wrote to living a simple life. To me it’s meaningful. To others it’s perceived as something other. My faith has kept me going, and as the movie “Courageous” notes – without my belief in God I would have been spinning like a wheel… or something like that. I know the movie is “man”, “father”, “husband” based, but it’s a beautiful story of letting your family down and how you come out of it. I was asked to move back home to be closer to my children. I suppose they didn’t understand that visiting their mother would not mean a big house, or lots of money. But I am who I am who I am. And Yahweh means just that “I am who I am who I am”. And Yahweh means God. I have a great earthly father who taught me acceptance, forgiveness, love and hope. He still gets angry at me sometimes when he feels I’m not being my best, and I understand that. But he loves me no matter what. I would too my children. He loves all four of his daughters no matter what. I’m sure at times he wonders, but he doesn’t judge. At least as little as he can. Sometimes maybe feels like a failure with watching me, one of the University grads without a house I own, a job I would love to have, my children around me. But he’s always there for me. Always has been. He doesn’t judge me like my mother does. She grew up in a hard time, and tough upbringing, and I was blessed to have had a loving family, no matter what the errors they have made. I remember now the good. The good with my parents and sisters, the good with my children before then passed 13, (albeit don’t know much about their years thereafter), but out of all this I do know, less is more. I can just go whenever I want, wherever I want, and I will always bring the love I have for my family and my children with me. That will never leave my heart.
I fell off the “wagon” for the month of February every now and again, trying to adjust to yet another move. But now back on track and I don’t even understand why I fell off in the first place? Maybe it was the absence of my children or my fear of my mother seeing where I lived, or my sister seeing where I lived (second eldest who took me in when I had nothing), but somehow I realized, my independence, my time with me, was important. And I found a place affordable to let me continue that part of my journey in life. To me, I AM courageous. I chose to test those who love me to accept me for who I am and what period of my life I am going through and to have patience. Some do, some don’t. That is their choice. Mine is to make sure I can find myself, my mental health, my purpose in life. My children are well provided for, my parents are well, and well provided for, my sisters are well and well provided for. If I leave this place tomorrow because God wants to take me, I am at peace. If I have to leave at the drop of the dime because our Saviour has returned, I have nothing to lose, but only everything to gain.
Material possessions are but possessions that you will never go with you when you die. That men think, or some women, that “He who dies with the most toys wins”? I believe, he or she who dies with loving the littlest you can live on and still be happy lives. Lives this life on earth well, and will be grateful for heaven when the time comes.
WOW… in the time I was writing this my son dropped by unexpectedly. He told me he had to talk to me about my text message about how I was sorry how he was embarrassed about me. He said he never said that. That he simply held his arms out and said his parents were two extremes. He said he loved me and would never say that. I believed him. Why? Because it was incredibly unbelievable that my eldest son who always kept in touch with me would say anything like that about me. But I was wrong. I believed the rumours. I failed him by believing he would betray me. But then again once betrayed, twice and trice betrayed makes you think. Can this be? But he did right. He came face to face to tell me he did NOT say anything like that. But we found out the culprit who put all that in my mother’s head. The other sister who betrays. No wonder she couldn’t look at me in the eyes last time I saw her a couple of days ago. Guilt holds the fear of looking someone in the eyes. Or hugging like one should. I know she’s not happy. So I will forgive her for trying to put a separation between my loving eldest son and me. The one who is probably the only of my children who truly understands me. Let him be protected from her as she helps her son with his sport because my son is in it too and gets so excited about coaching it. Let her not ever allow herself to put another possible wedge between us. She failed this time. I warned him. Maybe God will have him listen to my words. It’s in His hands now. But I know my son will listen. He knows I mean no harm, no anger, no revenge. Just want peace. And never want him to be hurt by the games my family plays on each other.
To my mother who said “you never spend enough time with us”… to her I say “now I know why. You just like to try to break everything in my life that matters to me”. But to her “I don’t know why you do it. And tonight you were wrong. My son proved it. He proved YOU wrong.”
Thank you sweet son. I do love you. Always have, always will and you are extremely special. Always knew it, always will.