My best friend told me he lost his granddaughter on December 29th.  His first and only grandchild.  His daughter and husband I cannot imagine their pain.  I know my sister lost my beloved nephew when he was 23 of cancer.  He wanted to live.  Makes you think, doesn’t it?  Here you are healthy, but maybe overweight and with an ED, or thin with an ED and you don’t know what your parents will feel like if you kill yourself.  My nephew WANTED to live but he had no choice.  You out there do.  You out there have a choice.  My nephew didn’t, my best friend’s granddaughter didn’t.  It was destined to happen.  You on the other hand have a choice in your destiny.  A choice to live or die.  My sister still after 3 years suffers from that loss.  I do too, but he was not the one I gave birth to.  I know, some of you don’t think your parents care.  Maybe their anger is because they do.  Like when my mother told me I would have to move out if I didn’t gain weight.  Yet I wasn’t bulimic at the time and eating well, but was so active I was like my father.  I was slim when I lived a normal life.  I don’t know if she thought I was anorexic because I was thin like my dad was.  But men are allowed to be thin.  Women if they are they have an ED.  I was 20 at the time.  I had given up my ED and I was devastated that my mother thought this of me and had threatened to throw me out unless I gained weight.  There seemed like there was no winning in this world.  But having known I was a bulimic she thought I had converted to anorexia.

Having said this, it also reminds me of when I went for a modelling job.  I am 5’9″ and then was 118 lbs.  They told me I was too fat.  OMG  seriously???  That was about the same time I didn’t have my ED and was so fit!  What the??  Ya.  That really messed me up.  That was 29 years ago, my friends.  Why haven’t things changed?

Anyway, time went on and I did end up with my ED again and told my “fiance” about it and he said he already knew because my younger sister already told him.  Nice.  Younger sister to start my life with him with my ED and oldest sister to end it with an affair with him.  ANYWAY… at 23 and engaged I found out that Playboy was in town to take pics for a potential centerfold.  I went.  NO NO NO… I went to get a pic from their top photographer to give to my fiance.  OMG it was so nice.  He was sooo sweet when I admitted that that was what I was there for and not to be included in the contest.  He wrote on my picture “to a great gal”.  Told me he hoped my fiance would appreciate what I did.  Why did I do it?  My fiance loved Playboy.  Granted, I read the history and it is really interesting.  Hugh Heffner always had the top of the line writers and photographers.  I even enjoyed the articles, albeit I think my fiance preferred the centerfold.  So for the first time ever I’m sharing this.  This photo was me.  At 23.  Signed sealed by one of the great Playboy photographers.  And now at 49 I think… WOW  I WAS HOT… Damn… I used up my hotness on someone who couldn’t even appreciate it.  I was always too skinny, too fat, ugly hair, whatever.  This from a cross dressing 6’3″ man, beautiful, but sexually demented, that I felt for for 22 years, unconditionally.  Until my sister.  That is just too gross.  Cross dressing?  that is one thing.  Him having her soiled underwear and messing with her?  Ya… yet another.  I was 39.  By the time I hit 40 I was 118 lbs of pure muscle, no sex, nothing but my children, my working out, my listening to my favorite music.  No ED.  Just a different lifestyle.  Even to that, he couldn’t love me.  He was already in love with a 12 year old, but used my sister to get me out of the house.  It worked.  For both of them.  He gave her money, she gave him my leaving.

So for all you young ones out there… stay tuned.  From here on in it’s from where life led me.. and where I am, and how I keep smiling.  DAMN I was hot when I was 23… LOL… Okay, maybe the hair could have been so no 80’s, but the body was pretty cool.  Damn I love my legs.

0 thoughts on “The Book of Death and Dying

  1. Hello lady. Were still hotties 😉 so glad to have found you! Your story is amazing … Challenging right? Family adventures are unique but always fucked up. I’m on a phone now, but want to check back soon . You think bulimia is an addiction as i do? Maybe it’s cuz we’ve had a lifetime of battling the bitchy beast. xxxx melis

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