I didn’t realize how much she hated me until tonight.  Maybe it was something that bothered me all this time in my life.. But tonight I heard it.  I cried like a baby.  I really did.   Almost suffocated from crying.  I don’t know.  Now I feel numb other then my son.  My sunshine.  He called me because.  Just because.  And I was crying.  I asked him “please tell me you know I loved you and your sister and younger brother ’til death do me part??”.. He said yes.  I told him I never want him to think I didn’t love them so much that I wouldn’t take a bullet for him or his sister or his younger brother or even their father (he’s a good father).  But then there was the YUCK I had to bring up.  NO.  Not bulimic.  Words.  This part is harder.  Words sometimes are harder to bring up then food. I had to speak of why I left his father.  And the harsher words were “did I do the right thing?  Or did I hurt you, Should I have toughed it out like mom did (for different reasons, BTW)?”.

He told me that my mother was a wimp.  A story I don’t want to tell, but my son made it right by me.  He said I was stronger than my mother.

That meant the world to me.  It freed me.  My son.  The one that is the best story I ever told that still holds the top ranking on this site.  And now I know why.  He deserves it.  I love you baby… you, your sister and your younger brother.. the two you helped me raise in their first years of life.  I don’t think you will ever understand how much you mean to me.  TME.  Used to sign that to your dad’s letters… I was gifted you from this marriage.  And my other two that you touched, felt, and shared in that birth.  You are special.  In ways you’ll never know but your mommy sees…. God I love you.  Now I know why when you were the smurfy blue baby that somehow you survived.  It was my gift to me when you did and He gave you back to me to help me through… life… Screw your dad for saying I gave you death when I was so happy when you born and I said we gave you life…. because… still to this day, you give ME life.  As do the other two who were born thanks to you.  YOU ARE SPECIAL.  You about life, NOT death.  Ross would attest to that.  Prop on you two!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *