In my last blog I “spoke” to an ex-boyfriend. He is part of the subject of this site I blogged on for one of my clients. I blogged well on this in respect to finding articles that relate to me. My client didn’t update his website, so I can’t show you how important this blog and others were. The last BF I had has the “Othello Syndrome” issue. Beautiful man, but he can’t stand me even talking to another male. It’s not healthy. But his generousity that I never knew before kept me linked with him. We were best friends first. None of this reared its ugly head at that time. Even when he was drinking, he was nice to me. But then we started dating, then he moved in to my house, then it became a shambles. It was part of the reason too that I moved 2.5 hours away. Him, my children abandoning me for their father’s money, it was all too much. So I bought a company. That didn’t work out either because I lost my retirement funds and here I am. But all of this is a part of me now that I have to deal with without my ED. It hurts not to hurt means something. It means that you have to deal with it without hiding behind the ED. Without throwing up all the things you hate, love, the things that make you angry, nervous, frustrated… the things or situations that make you feel, that EDs make you have the ability to be numb to. But someday you wake up like me and say “enough, I have to face this”. Enough is enough. And then… your world becomes real. The numbness goes away and reality sets in. And you realize all the people you threw up. All the external world you tried to hide behind. Yet that is a fallacy. It’s not real. It’s a world behind a world and it’s hypocritical. Who cares what you look like outside. You can’t change that unless you know what is in the inside. And who care what women like? We are so bent out of shape about what other women will judge us by that we forget that some men will love us no matter what. Fat, skinny, wrinkled, older.
But here I am. In this on and off 7 year relationship I have had with this man who has this “morbid jealousy”. In his mind I am always cheating on him even if I am the most conservative one person person you could ever imagine. He is having an affair with a married woman yet still wants me with him. I refuse. We have not “been” together in 4 months after I found out. She’s 10 years younger than me, beautiful and never had children with a perfect body. Anyone out there with an ED gets the drift. But I refuse to. I chose not to compromise. I will not again because my ex did same. 10 years younger. Do I feel beautiful? No. Do I feel stronger dealing with this without my ED? ABSOLUTELY. So that is my final remark.
To those of you interested in the morbid jealousy jail someone can live in I’m providing a link. And my version of the Mother Goose? rhyme.
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Had a girlfriend, tried to keep her. Left her in a pumpkin shell, and there he didn’t treat her well.
But before I go. One of my issues with my ED was abandonment. This is true too to those with the “Othello Syndrome”. Somewhere along the line, be it genetic or life experience, they have been abandoned and they want to hold on. Hold one to what can be destructive. Sound familiar?