In Between Being an Ex Bulimic and Chaos

So I’m telling you my story.  During the time of this story of MM I had been B-free for 7 months.  And here I stood in turmoil.  But I chose NOT to make this move me backwards.  Was it difficult?  Truth be known it wasn’t.  I didn’t want to.  I thought this was a good life lesson.  How would I deal with this mess that was escalating in my life without food?  I became thankful for food, for anything I had.  It really changed me.  I did without and when I got I was more grateful then I had ever been.  I quit drinking and lost 10 pounds.  But it wasn’t losing the weight, it was about why I lost the weight.  I eat healthy.  I’ve learned how to bake, cook, and take care of myself for the most part.  The system wont support me even if I paid all my employees before I paid myself during my entrepreneurial life.  I take care of others before me, including my pets.  They will eat before I do.   But I will not throw up what is a gift.  I will not deny what is a gift.  I will continue to smile and believe.  My M Miester is gone, I am with my animals, I am now spending time with my family, I am better.  My only wish now is for a job.  To give back unlike so many who use the system with the decision of staying on it.  That is NOT my life.  Not jealousy, no betrayal.  My animals, me and my little home and a job.  That’s all I ask for.  And I am proud that I have managed thus far without falling backwards… only moving forward with the belief that somewhere along the way, like my son said, I will “conquer the world”, understanding what he meant by that.  My son, my eldest son.  My sunshine and when I told him he was he asked me why?  He said he was never anyone’s sunshine.  How could he not see he was ALWAYS mine?  Now he knows.  But how did I not convey that in the 22 years he’s been alive?  He got me through two pregnancies in the absence of his father.  He was my rock.  He will always hold that special place in my heart.  I don’t know if he will ever understand.  But then again, my other two are my sunshine as well.  My daughter who stood by me and lived with me in my first years of my divorce and watched me cry.  My youngest son who came to visit me in the summers when I lived alone 2 hours away.  Each holds a candle to my heart.  Each hold a special place in my journey of life.  And how do they know what joy they gave me?  I only wish I could express it all in the right way.  Maybe some day they will find this post and know.

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