… to deal with them. You don’t know when you are going down when you are coming back up again. It all depends. Will you be the “sleeping dog”, or the “around the world”, or…. yo-yo players know all the terms. I was always a novice at the yo-yo playing thing, and in life seem to continue to be so. One day I can be down yet think up, the other day think up and then be dropped down. I’m not sure… I could say there is a force that controls me, but I believe in God, so I’m not sure if it is because He gave me choices, if I am mentally chemically imbalanced, if I am the one holding the yo-yo that creates the different effects, or is it external – government, neighbours, family, friends – that affect me? Or is it all the above. Is it because I’m in a new phase of life that makes me wonder what comes next and so I wake up every morning expecting to get an answer that by the end of the day is not answered and has not been for over 10 years. I look at pictures and wonder what happened to that child, to that young adult, to that young wife, to that young mother, to what became that lady who joined the “First Wives Club” (love that movie), to that now aging mother?
The other day I met a wonderful man. I may never see him again. I was waiting for the bus and he responded to my mention of how cold it was. His name was Bruce. He told me he was 72 years old and every Wednesday was Chilly day at Wendy’s. A bus went by that I could have taken, but I waited with him for the next one that was taking me to the same place, only with a longer in-between transfer wait. I did that because he made me smile. He told me about his singing base baritone after I told him my father did and the love he had for theatre. Suddenly we spoke of the theatre groups (I had tried out for a part once because being in a play was on my bucket list, but didn’t make the cut) and he told me he has done many with the groups I knew. In thirty minutes I had made a friend that I don’t know I will ever see again. But he was kind, funny and caring and said “most people think I’m crazy”. I told him that I was in the same league, but that they didn’t have to think I was. I am.
I can be social to a fault, I can be isolated to a fault, I can be loving to a fault, and I can be all of the following to a fault:
- Demanding of myself
- Too hard on myself
- Afraid of myself
- Caring of others
- Afraid of dependency
- Intolerant of others who don’t try
- Intolerant of myself for not trying, not succeeding, in my failures
- Ignorant of why I have become who I am today
- Denial of why I have become who I am today
- Fear of all the failures I have been to my children
- Fear of how my children hate that their mother went from a secure and confident woman to one who just doesn’t care about how others perceive her or her environment
- Intolerant of fake people who cannot admit that their facade is there just to hide from their own insecurities
- Intolerant of those who hide behind money and power only because who they really are is buried behind all those who adore them for their successes and beauty
- Of my mind going until weeeee hours of the morning thinking about everything… everything from what I need to do, what I haven’t done – which pisses me off because I should be thinking about all I have done and all that I don’t need to do instead – and maybe worse yet not being able to balance everything anymore like I used to when I was younger
- Intolerant of my comparing who I am with who I was…. MOST OF ALL.
I should welcome the change and when I do, it is then, I believe, that I can move on from this severe anxiety into a world of “hey, it’s okay”. Everyone vouches for the fact that I have been strong and pulled through so much and helped so many. But on a resume it means nothing. Telling government officials that and that you need temprorary assistance while your neighbours are pouring out babies because of all the extra assistance and money they get (and by the way I found out they actually return items for credit and buy themselves junk food with that money that was suppose to be that snow suit for their child!!! OMG)… and rarely shower the extra money they get on the children they popped out and that they plan on swimming in the government programs and funding until they die, while you have been paying taxes for most of the 50 minus 1 years minus 16 to that put you into a working life and paying taxes, and as an entrepreneur paying others before you pay yourself and yet still paying taxes so that when they lose their jobs they get support, then the time you need help the most government says… OMG I’m so sorry we can’t help you…
So baby dispensers are helped but those who toiled for what is 50-1-16-1.5(business owner gone broke and unemployed)=34.5 years of paying taxes are not. Love it. Risk takers are risk takers because they help others but when the fall comes no one is there to pick them up. They have to get themselves up on their feet again….
… and to my always leaving on a good note, rather than a bad one, here is to my “friend” Bruce, who, when I said I’m getting myself back up on my feet again, observed my boots in which my feet were planted and commented “seems to me you are standing now, aren’t you?”
Thanks Bruce. I hope we meet again… even if it is over the rainbow someday.
p.s. I LOVE THE WIZARD OF OZ!! and my favourite song is indeed that….. “Over the Rainbow”. And always love the slippers…. and home is… where you feel you belong.