Well, here I am sitting alone on the eve of 2012. Me and my 7 pets and the television. And a glass of wine and cigarettes. (yes I smoke, and shouldn’t but I know that.) My wine is a treat. I don’t drink often anymore. Weekends only when I do. I was drinking too much during the loss of my business and all my material possessions. It actually started at the loss of my ex-husband, but increased as stress increased. I was trying to prove to everyone how I could build my own life, that I didn’t need anyone. I guess I did a good job. This is the first New Year’s Eve I am completely without a human around. I realized I have no friends. I have an ex-boyfriend who still visits, but I have no one else, other than my family. On nights like this each family member spends it with their own friends. So strangely enough next to the computer is where I reside, watching movies, with the last one taking me into 2012 being “When Harry Met Sally”. Love that movie.
I was thinking today (probably why some smelt burning) about all this. During my marriage I really started being around all “his” friends. Not only that, but when we divorced the ones I did have hung out with him because they didn’t want to be with a depressed woman. Then there were the idiot boyfriends I went out with that further isolated me from my friends. So here I am. No husband, no family, no boyfriend, no friends. For the most part I don’t mind it. I mean, I am going through a reclusive time in my life (have been for the past 7 years on and off, since my separation), and it’s at it’s peak for sure. I’m thinking about getting out again, but I wonder if you could ever build a friendship at this stage in life as bonded as the ones you once had. Hummm, on the other hand, bonded? I guess that is not quite so either seeing as I never hear from anyone even if I try to reach out to them. So after a while I decided to stop thinking and just watch RV. I want to laugh. I want to enjoy this quiet evening and be amazed that I made it to 2012 when midnight strikes. Next let’s see if I manage to make it to 22.214.171.124. 🙂
“There are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, I have met my New Year’s resolution.”
Hope everyone has a great New Year’s celebration, although I’m not sure what I’m doing yet. And did you know that somewhere out there December 31st will not exist? They will go to bed on December 30th and wake up on January 1st. Weird. 🙂
I watched a movie last night and a bit again this morning with Matthew Perry called Numb. Interesting movie about Depersonalization. I can’t quite grasp the whole concept of not knowing what is real or not, but there were several emotional characteristics I could associate with. Somewhat like my Avoidant Personality Disorder, or even at times my paranoia and my OCD. The need for my little “shack” where it’s the only place I really feel comfortable. The thing is in Hudson’s case there was no known cure for this disorder he had. It was like going in circles. At least as a recovered Bulimic, on my journey to recovery there was always hope and the knowledge that I could overcome this when the time was right and I wanted to. I, however, didn’t realize that it would take me 30 years to find that spot. I had indeed “stopped” on several occasions – but the beast was still inside of me. Today I can’t feel it there anymore. Not at all. I don’t have the trigger foods anymore. I can actually have a chocolate bar or chips sit in my cupboard for months! And when I do choose to have them, I only have a few to satisfy my craving, but I don’t like the thought of over indulging. It takes away from the true pleasure of that taste. One bite is enough to savour it, then put the rest away for when I have that desire for that taste again. With chips that used to be one of my triggers, I can easily munch on five or ten and it satisfies me. I guess what I’m saying is that food doesn’t frighten me anymore. I don’t deny myself anymore. I have, however, during my years of ED learned that I prefer a healthy salad for the most part then greasy foods. It’s an actual preference. I like the taste better, the way it doesn’t make me feel “weighed down” and my body has definitely adjusted to my healthier eating. It doesn’t crave much of the other stuff anymore. I love my own company, the company of my animals. When I’m in the mood, the company of family and friends. I don’t seek attention whatsoever. I don’t feel numb anymore.
…how to what? Now there is a question. How do you save yourself and others from this disease? How did I? I did because someone cared enough for me. Cared enough to tell me the truth. And I keep having people tell me the truth. The truth is my body type doesn’t reflect upon me. How my children, my dogs, cats, my parents, my sisters see the little girl inside of me come out is what matters. “It’s belief that gets us there” just played on the television in a movie called “Dragonfly”. How appropriate. I love when an appropriate saying comes up just when you are not sure what you are going to write about. I am feeling so much pain for those of you out there fighting the love of comfort of food that obviously has taken over a loss of love. Food is love. When you realize food is not the reason for your weight, but a place you go for comfort, then you learn to respect food for that. I learned to respect food. It wasn’t just honesty from my sister telling me “I know what you are doing!” . Those words just hit a cord that made me realize when I lived with her she made food like my mom did. Comfort. But when angry, or sad, or stressed, I reached out for that “comfort” which translated into food. But when I realized that, I also then remembered that my mom was poor, and food was a blessing, not something to be abused. I also thought of how blessed I was having food around me. But it doesn’t stop there.
I moved from my sister’s place and didn’t have a penny. Not for food or for transportation. It was then I really learned how to respect food. I made my own bread, ate a bit at a time all day of what I had left in my fridge. I had to sell most all I had of value to pay rent and buy food. I wasn’t eligible for any support because my ex was too well-to-do and that meant that there was “support” in that he decided to send them to private school. Oh ya “in kind support”. In kind what? So, I live day by day loving that my family and God provide for me food. I eat bits at a time six times a day. It fills me up with joy that I can eat. That I have food. And then it reminds me of when my parents fed the needy. Of when my parents cared for them and even if they had a different faith, invited them in on Christmas and gave.
Many have said I am too generous because I give to others before myself. I learned that from my parents here on earth. Gotta say, they did a great job in reflecting Heaven on earth where it can be so tough to live sometimes. God did good by me. Having said that I have some leftovers that I know how to make into a feast. And I will share that baking time with my neighbors just because. I mean it. JUST BECAUSE. And I so love being who my parents were. No matter how mean people are to you, you forgive. And no matter what people say about you being too kind, you keep giving. But to do that at your best, you have to love yourself.
Hugs to all you out there. And remember the saying to you new to this horrifying nightmare that now is just my past with dreams again of love, faith and hope and I really do believe there is full blown recovery of anything if you BELIEVE. Please, if you need help, contact me at email@example.com. I want to help you NOT go through 30 years like I did of this. Maybe I can not only save your life but save some years of your life too. DON’T ever think you are not loved. Biggest mistake.