Falling Behind? Or just learning what it’s like to grow older?

I had bad night last night.  And well today hasn’t been all that great either so far.  Blood everywhere.  After ten years!!  Preferred the time off.  Thought I was going to be immune to the menopausal bullshit that happens.  Went through two weeks of nipple pain, and now I’m crying all the time and I ran out of whatever it was the doctor prescribed for my extreme anxiety.

I can’t get on any social assistance because of my ex (long beautiful Canadian story) and after 30 resumes I still don’t get calls because I suppose I’m too old to employ.  There are children screaming next door.  Dogs are barking.  Mine are sleeping along side my kitty Sparta.  My house is a mess and it’s not usually.  I ordered really good Chinese food last night and a bottle of wine and had hoped to share it with someone.  Right.  Who?  I have no ones.  No peoples in my life.  I stare out the window and wonder which car is pulling into the driveway and I listen to the texting dinging on my cell phone.  No voice minutes left.  I used them all up last night talking long distance to a friend about how I really didn’t care to be alive.  I’m not suicidal.  I wouldn’t kill myself, but life is so uneventful.  Or is it the opposite?  So at the end of the night I counted some pills and to this moment don’t know what I did with them or the pill bottle.  I ate all the food and drank the whole bottle of wine and wondering what I did with those pills I threw up.  First time in so long.  I’m not sure if it was desperation or depression, or just plain hysteria or psychosis??  Who knows.  I have a headache again.  It had gone away, but it’s back again.  It’s because my jaw is all tightened up again.  Gotta love TMJ.  I don’t know what to write anymore…. except for an excerpt from my daughter last night “mom, a heart is just an organ.  It can’t feel.”

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