I had bad night last night. And well today hasn’t been all that great either so far. Blood everywhere. After ten years!! Preferred the time off. Thought I was going to be immune to the menopausal bullshit that happens. Went through two weeks of nipple pain, and now I’m crying all the time and I ran out of whatever it was the doctor prescribed for my extreme anxiety.
I can’t get on any social assistance because of my ex (long beautiful Canadian story) and after 30 resumes I still don’t get calls because I suppose I’m too old to employ. There are children screaming next door. Dogs are barking. Mine are sleeping along side my kitty Sparta. My house is a mess and it’s not usually. I ordered really good Chinese food last night and a bottle of wine and had hoped to share it with someone. Right. Who? I have no ones. No peoples in my life. I stare out the window and wonder which car is pulling into the driveway and I listen to the texting dinging on my cell phone. No voice minutes left. I used them all up last night talking long distance to a friend about how I really didn’t care to be alive. I’m not suicidal. I wouldn’t kill myself, but life is so uneventful. Or is it the opposite? So at the end of the night I counted some pills and to this moment don’t know what I did with them or the pill bottle. I ate all the food and drank the whole bottle of wine and wondering what I did with those pills I threw up. First time in so long. I’m not sure if it was desperation or depression, or just plain hysteria or psychosis?? Who knows. I have a headache again. It had gone away, but it’s back again. It’s because my jaw is all tightened up again. Gotta love TMJ. I don’t know what to write anymore…. except for an excerpt from my daughter last night “mom, a heart is just an organ. It can’t feel.”